Category Archives: humor

Dickoloden

While I do not intend on necessarily using this name as a finished project, the other title is “Stickaloadein” or Stick a Lode In. I thought this might make for an interesting idea to converse about.

So essentially this is a fun project that will be one of many parodies and one I think has a market for. The 90’s have been making a huge cum back and now we can re-imagine our favorite old shows, but with a XXX bent.

This will be a DVD project, as opposed to multiple stand alone parodies, because I think that one of the many issues of porn parodies is that they are often too long and have a lot of filler that is just not needed for you to enjoy.

For instance of Klarrisa Does it all parody. No one wants to see Ferguson banging anyone. It’s Sam & Klarrisa that everyone wanted to see bang, from the second that ladder hit her window. Let’s be honest, Ferguson would of been outside his sister’s window, jacking his tiny penis and moaning Donald Trump’s name.

I plan on finding and paying performers who have never done porn before, as opposed to hiring traditional artist. The high number reflects the fact that I desire to actually make this seem as close to the originals, right down to set design as I can without going over budget.

Given the fact there have been tons of parodies out their, coupled with the nostalgia for the 1990’s, this seems like an idea ripe for the picking.

What do you think of the idea?

Please feel free to comment and suggest things about the Indiegogo campaign.

https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/dickoloden–2/x/13473227#/

Conception Begins at Rape

Just in Time to buy for the Republican Cacucas’ and the Presidential Race.
Use this classic GOP slogan and show your support!

http://www.cafepress.com/mf/103584097/gop-parody_tshirt?productId=1731459405

Kickstart my Heart.

     It is that time of year, when men everywhere forget to make plans for that romantic getaway, woman weep because they’re single and I can buy a large box of chocolates for $45.00 that only comes with one piece of candy that I like and about 35 pieces that I do not like, which taste no better than a common candy bar at the store. Yes, the Christmas. Er, Valentine’s day is here again.

     I’m not opposed to love, If you manage to find love, fantastic! My main concern is wondering why we need a stationary day to express our appreciation for the person that we’re in love with. Call me crazy, but if you’re in love, finding a day to express appreciation for your significant other should be the easiest thing in the world. Why could you show love for them just as much on August the 15th as you could on February the 14th? The boot to the economy, that is why, plus snow. Fuck you, snow!

     Going outside seems to be a wicked pissah for anything that isn’t going to work or something else that isn’t obligatory in the winter time, but it can be just as fun as any and without the bullshit of macro holidays that have little meaning.

     Which brings me to my next gripe with Valentine’s Day. When everyone is doing it at the same time, doesn’t it lack any semblance of being a special day? There is no surprise factor. Much like a flu shot for the millionth year in a row, it is mundane and routine. I think Valentine’s Day should be randomly assigned to a specific day each year, so that it is slightly more interesting. So starting with 2016, that special day could just as easily be the 25th of May as it is the 14th of February. Watching people scramble only two weeks ahead of time lends to Valentine’s Day the same excitement as a football game or a car chase.

     This single handily increases the worth of the day tenfold, which is great, because the other reason for finding this holiday to be a pissah is walking down the street and seeing all those single zombies slushing by with a grocery bag filled with Häagen-Dazs ice cream to cry and slowly feed themselves to death over the fact they don’t feel worthy of love. That is just the men that I’m talking about, never mind the woman who keep tissues at hand more readily than a teenage boy and feel much worse and drives them to watch movies like Fifty Shades of Grey.

     Speaking of bad decisions, while I’m at it, Valentine’s Day should be put on the schedule list of drugs. “Scientifically” speaking, Valentine’s Day, much like cocaine or heroin, often leads to bad decisions and not just the hideously awesome sweaters that you’ll wear once a year, but choices made out of desperation, just to not be alone when everyone else has someone. Like using dating profiles or worse, binge watching romantic comedies on Netflix. What other worse decisions could possibly be made than watching Four Christmas’ two months after the fact? Come on government, these atrocities need to be prevented, because no American deserves to be tortured by Vince Vaughn’s “acting.” It is inhumane and cruel and unusual punishment on both the psyche and the body, all because someone is single?

     If Valentine’s Day has taught us anything, thought, it is that people need someone validating their “love” like it is a parking garage ticket, which is a shame, because true love should need no affirmation from anyone other than the two people involved.

     The best way to express your feelings for a person isn’t with an expensive hotel room or hundred dollar box of chocolate that comes with a wicked awesome 10ft teddy bear–which in no way have I bought for myself, ever!—but with a simple kiss of appreciation for what your partner brings to the table on any day of the year and not just once. Simple expressions throughout the year make for a lot more than once a year when you try to compete with the world to show people how in love you are. Much like a closeted homosexual, it is obvious to everyone that isn’t you that you aren’t in love.

     Oh well, at least the 15th of February rocks, because 50% off Valentine’s Day candy is the shit!

(Minor corrections on 15 FEB 2015)

Best in Your Girl Podcast 1.0

http://bestinyourgirl.podomatic.com/swf/joe_multiplayer_v112.swf

Transcript 1.0
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     Hello and welcome to my very first podcast, the first ever best in your girl podcast. You come for the Kage and stay for the awesome and let’s be honest, who doesn’t come for Kage?

     You’re not getting a catchy hook, meant to lure you into the show, at least not yet. In other words, music wasn’t needed to get you to give this format a chance and I’m pleased to have you listening. In the future, we might need to add something catchy to listen to, but for now, we are music non grata.

     So let me get right into the podcast and that is about one thing, an extremely interesting night I had back in May of this year.

     Yes kids, we’re going back to the past for something that I think, was really hilarious. Hell, if you don’t think this is funny, you might not have a pulse, because it is without a doubt the worst sexual encounter in the history of sexual encounters and then I want to make mention to another topic, which I think you’ll be interesting. If you recall, I wrote an essay called the cult of personality and this is an extrapolation to those thoughts, so without future ado, here…we…go!

     One night, I was alerted to a message on a website, Plenty of Fish. It’s a dating website and like most dating websites, it’s not very good and doesn’t have a lot of option. It’s free, for the most part, so we get what we pay for. I didn’t message her first, she messaged me. Great start to a mediocre night.

     I replied and we got the ball rolling. Now, what was said was mundane and uninteresting, but it is irrelevant to the story.

     The point was reading between the lines and boy did I. She was very interested in sex. She didn’t say that, exactly, but I tend to read between the lines because fuck me, I’m arrogant like that.

     Yes, this arrogant son of a bitch is read between the lines, because that’s what you do when you want to enjoy the end means, which is sex.

     Now, I play back and forth, maybe, nah, fine I guess I can come over. So I make a short trek to the other side of town and find her waiting upon her porch.

     I ascend the stairs to the third floor and greet her. She seems optimistic enough and we “enjoy” some alright conversation.

     Meanwhile, inside, I’m awaiting for a family member of hers to leave for the night and so see her boyfriend, presumably to do the same exact thing that I was hoping to do, which is sexy times.

     Now, once we’re inside, finally, I’m still waiting for this young woman to leave and give us our space. It was about midnight when I left and three a.m. by the time I got space. So, naturally, I’m tired and not in the mood to be sauve so I say fuck it, and just blurt out, want to fuck?
Yes, she does. Great, let us adjourn to the bedroom so as to better express our carnality and enjoy the debauchery. I don’t say this, because I want the sex and sex isn’t literature, so fuck it, we’re doing it live!

     kissing is awkward. I mean, George Takei in Star Trek, kissing the beautiful Nichelle Nichols. (Quick digression, why does Microsoft word say I misspelled Nichelle Nichols’ name wrong when it’s right, but knows I misspelled George Takei’s last name wrong?)

     I get her on the bed, pants off and have a go orally. A few minutes of this and that. I ask her if she want to suck my dick and in her best John Waters impersonation “yeeeesssss.” I like her enthusiasm. Good god, is this the worst head imaginable. My dick isn’t a carrot, please do not scrape it with teeth. I’ve had so much better. So then I’m like, let’s just skip to fucking and so we do. This sex sucked so bad, you would have sworn we were virgins. We had the sexual chemistry of a dial up connection.

      I plunged into her with my engorged phallus and proceed to promptly ask the question no man wants to hear a woman ask, and is even worse when he has to ask it himself, am I in yet? Yes, I had to ask that. The plus side, at least I got her to try anal and she never would, so hey, go it wasn’t all bad for me. Who am I fucking kidding, yes, yes it was.At one point, I had to say fuck it and have her on top. She does her thing for a few seconds and next thing I know, she’s off of me. Having the worse night of my life, I become a fuckin’ cliché and ask, did you? Big smile, yes. She looks me in the eye and says, did you. I pause, and answer, no.

     I thought woman looked bored when their husbands thrust away and not notice the dull look in their eye and here I am with the opposite problem; a very wet and into it woman with a guy who is board as fuck!

     So Kage ended the night because the condom came off and I didn’t bring back ups. Which I’m glad, because it would have been boring until 6 in the morn. Needless to say, I had to finish myself off. Could have stayed home, but nope.

     Now there is one thing about this story that I didn’t mention in the beginning and it’s here now to segway into the next topic.

      If you have two thousand or so fans, do you count as a celebrity? If you read cult of personality, you now the very definition of celebrity is celebrated, thus even with a rather paltry amount of fans, she must count, right?

     So if anyone out there listing has a celebrity fantasy, I don’t want to burst your bubble, but if you’ve built it up over the years, you are most likely in for a rude awakening.Seriously, do not have pre-conceived notions about anyone you desire to fuck. Have a fantasy about anyone is healthy and fine. You’re not weird and it happens to most people, usually when you’re younger. Occasionally older, but its fine.

     Brings me to the next part, which is, of course, how you might find yourself in such a predicament. Now, this isn’t my first rodeo, but this is probably the first time I failed backwards into banging a person with fans. That sounds right, because celebrity should be reserved for someone who has a wider following. It’s the difference between cult following and summer blockbuster. This was the Rocky Horror Picture Show of sex. In other words, It was great when it all began, but ended with a floor show.
Now, for those of you who are awesomely challenged, let me tell you something, I’m a nerd par excellence. The fact I know what that last sentence means, gives me the credibility to refer to myself as such.
Look at how verbose my writing is. If that isn’t nerdy, I don’t know what is, but let us be honest, nerd or not, few are as awesome as I am.

     If you’re listening, you are either as awesome as I am or you want to be.
Now back to the topic at hand, I desire to express you to the following, which is that anyone and I do mean anyone, can have sex with anyone they desire. Yes, even you. I see your mid-90’s Chicago Bulls jersey and much like the bulls you haven’t had a championship in years. Prepare yourself, because you just might find yourself back in the playoffs, unlike the bulls.

     There is no simple pill that you can take to become awesome, all it takes is a dose of testicular fortitude. That’s right, to borrow from Sarge in the Gears of War series, nut the hell up, son!
That is it, really, just grow a pair. Nothing to it. Now, if you want to bang a “celebrity.” Well, same applies. Seriously, that’s it. They’re people too and that is something that needs to be made clear.
I don’t think I need to mention that persistence is probably not best for business when pursuing this personal endeavor. Remember kids, its persistence when you’re famous and stalking when you’re not.

     Should you find yourself, say, were a seemingly innocuous meet cute might happen to arise, then why not? you really have nothing to lose, other than the perhaps the desire to ever fondle a “celebrity” again.

     You should, of course, treat everyone you come across with some basic human respect. In other words, your end game probably shouldn’t be a routine fuck and chuck. Make it seem less conspicuous. Unless you’re dealing with a rock star, than fuck it and rock out with your cock or pussy out.
There is really nothing preventing you from them, other than perhaps a restraining order for your “persistence.” The librarian down the street can get one of those as well, though. So you really don’t have an excuse, just do not be a dick.

     If you recall, I made mention that idolization of anyone is a really, really dumb prospect. I think, as the doc has always said, that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. I really believe this and that’s why I’m making this my first topic. My sex life is like Kevin Smith’s film career, if I can do it, anyone can. Plus it’s life, that’s kind of what happens, you fail upwards.

     Just a few tips to keep in mind, should you be ballsy enough to go take a shot from the half court line with less than a minute on the clock in the final four.

     1. Be polite. This isn’t redundant. It’s basic edict for all human beings.
     2. Introductions. Not everyone is known by everyone. Even if you know them, odds are, someone might not.
     3. Act or actually be interested in them. Everyone’s favorite topic is themselves, but do not be too interested that you downplay yourself. In other words, don’t be a fanboy or girl.
     4. Maintain eye contact and exude confidence.
     5. When in doubt, treat them as you would a friend.

     This is good advice for dealing with anyone. You could attempt to be cocky, but save it for the pros.

     So until next time, remember that life is just a ride and we can change it, anytime we want to.

Top 10 Reasons for Sex with Friends.

     a new study suggest a link between friendship and similar genetics. This isn’t actually new or out of the realm of plausibility. If you do a search for the major histocompatibility complex, you find that our mates often have dissimilar traits to us than our relatives do. In fact, similar genetics tend to be akin to incest and inbreeding is bad for the species as a whole.

     That said, if your friends are not the equivalent of fourth cousins, here are 10 reasons why having sex with your friends is beneficial to you.

     1. SEX HAS BENEFITS.

     If you’ve lived under the rock for the last several years, you’re bound to find a plethora of information disseminating scientific facts showing a correlation between sexual intercourse and health benefits. Some studies have shown reduced risk of blood pressure, mental health benefits and even keeps the immune system healthy. In other words, sex is natural medication for a lot of health problems that currently plague our society. That said, I wouldn’t skip the annual checkup, no matter how much sex you have.

     2. NO STRESS SEX.

     Not everyone is a social rock star. In fact, given the wide use of social media and smart phones, it’s a wonder anyone is able to socialize. In fact, people seem to be getting worse with live interactions. If you’re a social type, you’re in luck, because for everyone one man that isn’t out there scouting, that is one extra chance for you for find someone.
We’re comfortable with friends. They’re familiar, they know us and we can let our guard down. The benefit is better sex, without the weirdness. Ladies, who else has seen you with your hair up and without the make up on? Perhaps that guy in the friend zone is a sexual savant.

     3. MORE FUN FOR HALF THE COST

     If you’ve never read Richard Dawkins, The Selfish Gene, you should. It’s an incredible book that continues to hold up. One of the hallmarks of an excellent book, mind you.
Within its pages, you’ll find a breakdown of what is called cost-benefit analysis. In other words, you exert energy for each daily task you do. It only makes sense that they should have a benefit, then, right? Well, with work, school, friends and family, sometimes self-neglect is bound to happen. Why not allow for the stress relief you deserve, just because you’re not in the mood to go out for the night? Call a friend for those times when you absolutely, positively, need to orgasm.

     4. LET YOUR FREAK FLAG, FLY.

     Do you have a fetish that isn’t quite common? Afraid to ask the woman or guy you like, due to rejection, humiliation or judgment? Chances are you already discussed it with your friends and they don’t mind. They know how crazy you are and love you all the same. If they didn’t know, they wouldn’t be your friends. So why not experiment with those closest to you?

     5. THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS.

     Keeping sex to an intimate circle of friends is a great way to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted infection. In fact, keeping it in house could keep you safer than meeting a stranger. Your friends care about you and vice versa, as such, they’re bound to be more open to keeping you and everyone involved, safe. This occurs, usually, in open relationships were you wouldn’t want to expose your loved one to any potential hazards. Face it, its human nature to care about those closest to you, over complete strangers. Now it benefits your sex life.

     6. Uppers, not downers.

     Friends are supportive of one another, or they should be. If you’re lucky enough to have supportive friends, you’ll be glad to know it boost yourself esteem. Isn’t it nice to get a self-esteem boost from people we care about over those we don’t? You can learn a lot about a person by the company they keep and sex is no different. Instead of getting boosted by the act of sex, you’re boosted by the friend instead and that is worth more than a night with any stranger will give you. In other words, supportive friends will always be supportive and not just to slip into your pants.

     7. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

     True friends have a great respect for one another and with that comes giving yourself completely. It also means someone who will respect your limits and not force you into uncomfortable moments. When someone respects you as a person, instead of a notch on their belt, it’s a great thing and rare to find. Too many people have less respect for people than they should. While admiration and other types of respect are earned, basic human respect should never be.

     8. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

     Getting to know someone is a lot of work. It can take months, even years to learn all their ins and outs. Better put in the Lord of the Rings, You can learn all there is to know about their ways in a month and after a hundred years, they can still surprise you.
Isn’t it nice to know someone so well, they can surprise you in a pinch by giving you exactly what you desire? It’s almost like a psychic bond between two people, they don’t need words, and you both could express each others thoughts, non-verbally. What more could you ask for in a friend, let alone a sexual partner?

     9. KNOWING YOUR LIMITS.

     Much like respecting you enough to know what not to do, or knowing you well enough to be intuitive, we get knowing your limits. We all have different sex drives, buttons and things that make us tick. It’s these little idiosyncrasies that make us, well, us. Does the guy at the bar know when to quit because you couldn’t quite handle it? Does he make sure you’re OK during the sex? A good partner should know how to take you to your limit without driving you past it or is able to push it past that, safely. You know your friends know how to push your buttons and then pull back, it’s what they do best. It can also apply to sex to make it even better.

     10. NO FEAR

     Your friends are friends for a reason. They like you as you are and they don’t care how you look. With that comes things you won’t get from the guy you hook up with. Cuddling for instance is something few men still understand is a great way to enhance your girl’s sexual pleasure after the fun time ends. Friends can do what most men fear to try, intimacy. They know all your secrets, so make sure to hold them close as they do your darkest fears and desires. Who knows, perhaps you might even fall in love with the least likeliest of candidates, your best friend

a-guy-gets-out-of-le-friendzone_o_651677

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*Minor edits and added a link.

The Art of Trolling and Motocycle Matinence.

     Trolling is an ancient art, passed on from Leet (1337 for the layman.) forum user to Leet forum user for eons, or circa 1997 A.D. whichever way you want to see it, it’s been around for a while and will not go away.

     You’ve most likely seen the occasional celebrity or others bitching about them, but they provide a valuable service. In fact, saying “troll” is just an ignorant way for a person to shield themselves from intellectual responsibility. If you understood the fine art of trolling, then you would realize that you’re also a troll.

     Anyone with any internet presence, what so ever, is a troll. Simply put, trolling is either a comedic act or arguing. Let us, for the sake of argument, assume that trolling is simply pointing out the flaws in a person’s argument or engaging someone in lively debate.

     Said person has the balls to stand up to someone and assert that the person is wrong. Perhaps, more harsh than the mark (to use a wrestling term.)would like. Simply saying “LOL, you sux” Or “I hope you die of cancer” is not trolling. They are simply, assholes. Regardless of how someone has gone about pointing out that you’re wrong, you shouldn’t be obstinate in thinking you’re 100% right.

     The catch is, though, that not every person has the time, nor should be required to shift through hundreds and hundreds of tweets, post, e-mails or other digital data. How does one rectify this? Harsh language, use of special characters (Leet-speek) or some other form of communicative pea cocking. In other words, much like a peacock uses its bright tail to attract a mate, so too does it attract predators.

     When you send something out to into the world, say a thought or argument, a point of view or even just musings, expect to invite replies, retorts, counter arguments, fatuous statements and even the vulgar comments. You are not the U.S.S. Enterprise with Sulu driving you away from danger, you’re Han Solo with C-3PO giving you the odds of navigating an asteroid field, successfully. In other words, you open yourself up to whatever your post merits.

     Now, while calling you an idiot (Layman) for lacking that technical knowledge or special knowledge about something, isn’t the best way for giving criticism or expressing that your point is wrong, it is a way to get the intended point across.

     The first thing we need to do is stop trolling were it starts, celebrities. You know the old saying “Any press is good press?” That is exactly what trolling is. Any bit of notice is good notice. Oh, sure, you might lose your show or two, but your short term loss will be long term gains, when the ire of the consumers dies down and then it’s back to business as usual. Just look at R.Kelly and others to see what an apology can do. In other words, lead by example if you want what trolling has become to evolve. Everyone, celebrity or not, could afford to reign in their trolling for the better.

     Arguing on the internet, it was once said, is like winning the Special Olympics. Even if you win, you’re still retarded. Arguing is a brilliant form of communication that is intended to change people’s views by pointing out flaws in reasoning, logic or ill-gotten facts. To argue is actually a politeness. It expresses concern for the intellectual welfare of our species. To allow you to go off half-cocked is funnier, but degrading. Tougher love, so to speak. In other words, be happy that someone is willing to help you see what is wrong, so that your mental space is less cluttered with rubbish.

     Arguing on the internet is spontaneous, instant, engaging and fun. These pros often lead to negative cons that we’ve all been guilty of more often than not and should be wary of in the future. Here is Kage’s rules for optimum trolling.

     1.Define what it is you’re expressing. Few words have one definition and as such, we all have a preconceived concept in our head as to what we think it is that we’re arguing about. If it’s about capitalism, define what it means. There are a number of things that capitalism could mean to anyone. It helps to express it to the best of your ability. Make sure no one can misunderstand you.

     2.Avoid pea cocking your reply. It will get noticed, sure, but it won’t change things. A concise and to the point retort is worth more than the 146 characters you’ll use to express such.

     3.Think before you send anything. Are you expressing yourself as eloquently as possible? Where are you wrong? Are your arguments solid? Are you expressing fact or opinion? There is room for all, but make sure each is defined. Such as, all these rules are merely guidelines based off my experiences and in my opinion, will suit you well in engaging people in person or online debate.

     4.Do not jump the gun and attack. You need to understand your potential opponents position, in order to better counter the argument and

     5.Never be afraid to agree with someone or point out were a person is right. Few people are rarely 100% wrong. Sometimes they get things half right, but not entirely. If they’re right on something, say so.

     6.Humor will cement ideas and diffuse a situation that might otherwise be a tad bit tense. No one likes to be wrong, but we sometimes are and that is OK. Most people have a sense of humor and to use it when needed will allow for more enjoyment in your debate.

     Keep these in mind when trolling the internet and you’ll have a much better go at it, as well as argue more efficiently than you would have otherwise and might even change some minds. If you cannot change the mind of someone who is wrong through thoughtful and humorous discourse, than they will most likely never budge. Even if the intended mark doesn’t agree or get it, you might have changed the minds of any lurkers reading the conversation.

     If you’re one of those lurkers, please express such, if you happen to change your tune and never be afraid to share anything that has opened your eyes or mind.
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*Edited to remove slight errors

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