Army of the Dead

This isn’t so much of a review, as much as it is a bitch fest, so this will be wicked short. I watched this the other night and well, while the movie is alright, I couldn’t help but see one too many parallels to something else that deals with zombies, so my review is going to be summed up in this picture.

The Movie

CONCLUSION: Besides Zynder’s call backs to his remake of Dawn of the Dead (2004), which seem hokey and retro in a badway, this movie doesn’t move the genre forward in anyway, shape or form. It’s a mediocre movie in everyway, shape and form. All the most interesting parts are ripped off the game Left4Dead, which is the super zombies that are harder to kill. Included are the witch, the hunter and some Glen Danzig wanna be. If you added the “boomer” zombies, you could of easily called this Left4Dead 3. I hope Netflix gets sued for plagiarism.

2 out of 5 stars.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Netflix 2022, review. (Mostly Spoiler Free)

INTRODUCTION: Ok, I make it not secret that I cannot stand the Texas Chainsaw Massacre film series. Yes, as a horror fan, I know this piece of shit is sacrosanct, but I could never find a way to like it. I went into this with lower than average expectations, even lower than I have with politicians, which is saying a lot, so was good?

STORY: Douche-bag Youtubers buy shit ghost town, accidentally kill leatherface’s mamma and how they’re fucked. Very Original/sarcasm

DIALOGUE: Mostly good, minus two cringe moment, one about death following one chick to this shitty town and the other about the wanna be Laurie Strode not being remembered by Micheal…er, leatherface.

SFX: Standard, but good.

VISUALS: Very good looking town, realistic for what is probably just stand ups as opposed to actual full sets. Sadly the shitting yellow lighting of a good portion of the movie to remind us the original was set in the 70s, was annoying.

KILLS: Decent, but not amazing. At one moment, what could of been a great massacre on par with Darth Vader in Rouge One, is plagued by “humor”.

SUBTEXT: Seriously? Consider the source material.

CONCLUSION: For a movie that is just a rip off of Halloween (2018), it is still the “best” this “series” has to offer and sadly way too late to be really worth your wild. When I say rip off, it is nearly point for point in the structure. Ignore all but the original movie? Check! Have actors that aren’t the most photogenic? Check! Have the original villain be smarter than he was in previous versions? Check! Original, albeit recast, character making a comeback for a show down? Check! Cliche ending? Check! This movie wins the 2018 horror movie bingo. Sadly, it is still just a mediocre horror movie at it’s core.

3 stars out of 5 for a normal horror movie.

4 out of 5 stars for a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie.

Breaking News: Washington Redskins change Name to Washington Rednecks.

Washington- in a attempt to appeal to their core fan base and promote a more inclusive world, the Washington Redskins have decided to change their name to the Washington Rednecks.

“It’s about time our teams reflected our audience, instead of alienating potential watchers.” Said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

“I think our fans are going to love the new team. We already have our logo, something out fans are very familiar with on the back of their Fords.” Said coach Ron Rivera

Rednecks New Logo

Currently, there are currently several more teams considering changes, including The Patriots,choosing to call themselves the U.S. Collin Kapernicks. The Buccners, to the depth perceptive challenged, better reflecting real world pirates and The Colts , whose name is inflammatory due to being associated as black stereotype, to the Indianapolis Heneseys , which beloved by Justin Bieber and basic white people everywhere.

Corey Graves likes to get Pegged?

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

graves

TOP DEFINITION
peggedsex
a man who recieved a strap on dildo in the ass from a woman
Jake was pegged from behind by Jane.
by Joe June 28, 2004

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=pegged

Now, I’m not saying Corey Graves likes to be pegged, but the subtext on this tweet is a little too good to pass up, even for me, to not post this. So, does WWE’s Graves like to take it up the ass or do you think it was two people engaging in juvenalia?

Heffalumps and Woozles: Netflix’s Dracula (2020)

INTRODUCTION: I don’t think I need to remind my audience how much I love Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Here is the review on the novel for you. So naturally, I came across Netflix’s Dracula “series” and well, I’m perplexed as to who exactly greenlit this and why. It’s not really a series. 3 one hour and thirty minute episodes aren’t really a series. It could have been two six hour movies and it might have got somewhere. I do not like the liberties they took with the novel, but it isn’t all bad. So is it worth watching?

CHARACTERS: All of the original players are there with some new friends as well. Trigger warning for those who hate woke culture, one character from the book is gender swapped and the other is color swapped. The new characters are interesting, such as the Doctor from India. The other’s had some potential if given more screen time but ultimately, it doesn’t work. Harker is worse than in the novel, his fiancé Mina is all but forgotten about, the queer nun is very intriguing and Dracula is very fun mix of the old Hammer style with homages to other Dracula’s as well.

ACTING: Even the bit players are phenomenal. Dracula and Van Helsing are the only two really memorable performances, but the others are no slouches, you won’t come away from this like one would an 80’s slasher, with remembering how bad the bit actors are. All of them are excellent at what they do and deserve to be there with all the stars.

SFX: Pretty damn good! You can tell this was done on a very good budget, but slightly more money couldn’t have hurt.

TENSION: Virtually nonexistent. You get three jump scares and nothing more for “horror” in this, except for maybe some visuals, which isn’t enough to make you scared. It needed to be better.

DIALOGUE: Excellent! Nothing cringe worthy, unless you are a stickler for historical accuracy. Very excellent quotable in this as well, outside of the iconic lines from the novel.

CONCLUSION: So while I hate the fact they changed the source material to “freshen” this up and ultimately failed at that, they still kind of crafted a semi interesting “show”. It lacks suspense and intrigue, but makes up for some of it with homages to old shows and movies. Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets a reference in episode three with the way one vampire is dispensed. This is a movie that didn’t need to happen, but yet it did. It was as if the idea was born from a drunk watching of Dracula: dead and loving it and said “what if someone did that in a serious tone.” This is most noticeable when Renfeild, now Dracula’s lawyer, goes on about Vampire rights. The last part of season one takes place in the future, which sucks, because you’re introduced to all new characters whom are related to the old source characters and different from the first three hours of character development you got, so you don’t care for the resolution at all. It is as if they wrote themselves into a corner and didn’t know how to get out without such trite writing. Still, it has it has its moments and isn’t a complete let down. I don’t quite understand how they will take this to another season. Much like the Haunting of Hill House, it isn’t the worse thing, but it sure as hell is well below the mark.

3 out of 5 stars.

Another Evil: Movie Review

INTRODUCTION: This looked like a quirky, fun flick. It is billed as a horror comedy, but that is misleading, it is more horror with humor than a horror comedy. In my mind, the difference between horror comedy and horror with humor, is that a heavy part of the movie is humor driven if it is a horror comedy. This is such filled with some, dry, but still funny humor.

CHARACTERS: Pretty interesting. The family could be better developed, but the two main characters are pretty good. I found myself giving a shit, even with the less developed characters.

ACTING: Good, but still kind of weak. It’s not the “oh, I’ll hire my friends type of movie” but its more that “oh, I’ve done a few indie flicks, but need to hone my craft a bit still” type.

FX: VERY GOOD!

MUSIC: Very effective and works.

TENSION: High!

SUBTEXT: Appearances can be deceiving. Mental illness in our country and the plight of our neighbors which can spill into our own lives. Millennial’s inability to connect with people correctly. Take your pick!

CONCLUSION: It’s flawed, but it is quite the gem and really worth giving it a good. I enjoyed the flick the whole way though and don’t think it lagged behind anywhere. It is really worthwhile!

4 out of 5 stars.