Army of the Dead

This isn’t so much of a review, as much as it is a bitch fest, so this will be wicked short. I watched this the other night and well, while the movie is alright, I couldn’t help but see one too many parallels to something else that deals with zombies, so my review is going to be summed up in this picture.

The Movie

CONCLUSION: Besides Zynder’s call backs to his remake of Dawn of the Dead (2004), which seem hokey and retro in a badway, this movie doesn’t move the genre forward in anyway, shape or form. It’s a mediocre movie in everyway, shape and form. All the most interesting parts are ripped off the game Left4Dead, which is the super zombies that are harder to kill. Included are the witch, the hunter and some Glen Danzig wanna be. If you added the “boomer” zombies, you could of easily called this Left4Dead 3. I hope Netflix gets sued for plagiarism.

2 out of 5 stars.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Netflix 2022, review. (Mostly Spoiler Free)

INTRODUCTION: Ok, I make it not secret that I cannot stand the Texas Chainsaw Massacre film series. Yes, as a horror fan, I know this piece of shit is sacrosanct, but I could never find a way to like it. I went into this with lower than average expectations, even lower than I have with politicians, which is saying a lot, so was good?

STORY: Douche-bag Youtubers buy shit ghost town, accidentally kill leatherface’s mamma and how they’re fucked. Very Original/sarcasm

DIALOGUE: Mostly good, minus two cringe moment, one about death following one chick to this shitty town and the other about the wanna be Laurie Strode not being remembered by Micheal…er, leatherface.

SFX: Standard, but good.

VISUALS: Very good looking town, realistic for what is probably just stand ups as opposed to actual full sets. Sadly the shitting yellow lighting of a good portion of the movie to remind us the original was set in the 70s, was annoying.

KILLS: Decent, but not amazing. At one moment, what could of been a great massacre on par with Darth Vader in Rouge One, is plagued by “humor”.

SUBTEXT: Seriously? Consider the source material.

CONCLUSION: For a movie that is just a rip off of Halloween (2018), it is still the “best” this “series” has to offer and sadly way too late to be really worth your wild. When I say rip off, it is nearly point for point in the structure. Ignore all but the original movie? Check! Have actors that aren’t the most photogenic? Check! Have the original villain be smarter than he was in previous versions? Check! Original, albeit recast, character making a comeback for a show down? Check! Cliche ending? Check! This movie wins the 2018 horror movie bingo. Sadly, it is still just a mediocre horror movie at it’s core.

3 stars out of 5 for a normal horror movie.

4 out of 5 stars for a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie.

Kagemas: Spicy fun

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Me trying a chocolate 7 pot. One of the hottest peppers in the world.
A gift given to me 12/24/21

So the above photos are to give some background to this short Kagemas review. I have been eating hot peppers heavily since I was about 17. This would be 2003. Although I did try some in the 1990’s, I wasn’t overly enchanted with a lot of spicy stuff. Anyways, the point is I have a pretty high fuckin’ tolerance after nearly 20 years of eating hot shit.

Let me start with Steve O’s hot sauce. I watched Jackass as a kid. It had it’s moments, but it isn’t high brow by any stretch of the imagination. Steve O is a fuckin’ idiot, so when I was given this hot sauce, I actually had high hopes that it would be stupid hot. That wasn’t to be. While it smells and taste great, it is, overall a mostly meh sauce. You can get one that smells like, but taste slightly different than this one, if you buy Badia’s Ghost Pepper sauce or Melinda’s Ghost pepper sauce. Both are far cheaper than this stuff is and probably comparably hot. Granted, it will probably be hotter if you’re not a “expert” like I am at peppers or eating hot sauce, so a rookie might think it is too hot. Overall though, it’s good and I could be inclined to keep a bottle around every once in a while.

3 1/2 stars out of 5.

The next product is not to be underestimated. It only has the scoville rating of a Jalapeno, which, for me, is like eating a bell pepper. So I had a bowl, sans the stir fry part and boy did this fucker kick. You would of thought I was a rookie at eating hot stuff, but nope, as I assured you above, I have been an hot sauce idiot aficionado, for quite some time. I can see why so many people didn’t make it through the Youtube challenges. It’s price is decent, but not the cheapest ramen. If you try it, make sure to have milk, because it doesn’t fuck around.

4 out of 5 stars.

Kageoween: Halloween Kills Review (Mostly Spoiler free)

INTRODUCTION: Welcome back to another edition of Kageoween! This year, we’re taking a look at Halloween 2-2, aka Halloween Kills or Halloween 2020-21.

Is this the horror movie of our nightmares or another dashed potential at the film series?

PLOT: It’s technically November 1st, probably, but Halloween is still continuing to be a horrific nightmare, thanks to the escape of Michael Myers, only hours earlier.  

CHARACTERS: Mostly characters from the last outing or in Antony Michael Hall’s case, an updated actor to an old role. None of them are really better developed in this one, but they don’t really need to be.

STYLE: Very great visuals, especially when they go back to 1978 for a very special surprise, which will make you explode with joy as a fan.

ACTING: Very good! Not a single weak ass mutha’ fucker, even the extras brought their A game.

DIALOGUE: Clunky at moments, but otherwise fine. This movie would have been great even with dialogue.

FX: Retro, but good. Nothing is going to stand out to you.

MUSIC: It’s Halloween! It’s that same one fuckin’ song and the occasional eerie Myer’s screech/beat, but it is fuckin’ effective as all hell, so who cares?

SUBTEXT: None that I could discern at present.

CONCLUSION:

The critic consensus isn’t good, but fuck them, am I right? This movie just proves that this Halloween is following typical three act structure and this is The Empire Strikes Back of Halloween movies. Oh sure, it has a few weak moments when it comes to potential recons, that don’t really make sense, given that Halloween (2018) picks up right after Michael is shot by Loomis in Halloween (1978) but they’re not committed enough to those for it to have really matter, at least not in this flick. Yes, it’s a movie devoid of anything but senseless killing and in that, we find brilliance, because this movie is really Michael’s voice, in that he speaks through his actions, leading up to what should be a amazing third act in Halloween Ends (2022) Ultimately, this movie didn’t need to be anything but carnage candy and it satisfies. Now only time will tell if the series will end on a high note. It has me already looking forward to next Halloween.

4 out of 5 stars.

My Experience with the Covid-19 Vaccine.

The summer is dwindling down to a close and I find it is important to write about my experiences with the Covid-19 vaccine.

My 2021 started off in the shitter and didn’t get much better from there. I started growing my own food, something I’ve wanted to do for years and got a nice, but small crop of spring garlic. They were very good and I moved on to planting Habanero. Sadly for me, 2021 isn’t a very good year for Habaneros on the north east. Several major storms and 4 of the 6 plants I had are dead and the two left are 8 weeks in and they’re still tiny. I may have to bring them in and try growing them in the winter, or try again in the spring of 2022. I have managed to make some very good, fresh hot sauces in my own house and will have to post about those at a later date. What I really want to bring up most though is my experience with the Moderna vaccine.

June 15th was my first shot and everything went well. I watched the entire 5 seasons of Breaking Bad, plus El Camino. I haven’t reviewed it yet, regardless, that isn’t the point, which is to say, I had to fill my time awaiting the next dosage and trying to go outside as little as possible. The beginning of July sucked, as I slept for nearly an entire week straight, quite literally, and could barley eat. I had all the symptoms of Covid-19, except it wasn’t. My parents and siblings all got the same virus and 3 of the 5 of us got the covid shot and turned up negative. My siblings, at the time, had not gotten the shot, as we each did it in waves. My parents are approaching their 60’s, so they’re the most venerable and got it first. Then I got it, then finally my siblings. Now we’re all vaccinated. The second part of the shot went off without a hitch and I’ve been very good ever since, although I’m thinking I will get the booster when it is available.

Now, I believe vaccinations work and are fantastic, have had all my shots and the only time I don’t is with the flu shot. When it comes to the flu, normally I end up with it before the vaccines are even available, flu strains are not the weather and are not overly predictable anyways, so even if I didn’t get sick, there is a chance that you could get the wrong strain of flu shot, because no one is perfect. Anyways, this is a newer version of an old technology that was rushed through FDA procedures, with good reason, but still, any reasonable person that was skeptical of the shot, myself included, would have had good reason to be. Science isn’t McDonalds and you cannot rush it, especially when it comes to Virology or anything similar.

So does the shot work? I think it does. I initially got sick in December of 2019 with something I wasn’t quite sure of. It hit me like a ton of bricks, which is a rare thing. Fast forward to January and well, we start to be aware of Covid-19. I had already recovered and so didn’t my family from this mystery illness. I spent most of my time drinking and watching Lucifer, of which I reviewed. Side note, I really need to stop getting sick and binge watching Netflix. I did my part to stay inside during covid, venturing out very little, which is normal for me, since I’m not a partier or anything, I don’t patron many restaurants, since it is cheaper to dine in. I order my books from Amazon and I wait for most movies to hit DVD before I watch them anyways, unless something really interest me. So, short of going out to get laid, or visit the local nerd shop, I am very adept at the whole, stay home and fuck around thing.  

Now, while I didn’t get checked for covid, remember I was fine by the time we knew what it was and there were no test yet, I strongly suspect I did have it. Every six months, I would get very light covid seeming symptoms, though. I didn’t get checked, because it seemed counter intuitive. If I don’t have it, I am exposing myself and risking others to see if I do. If I did have it, it is very mild and not worth the ER or Doctors trip. So I stayed in.

Since I have had the vaccine, the only time my nose drips, is when I have hot sauce and the only cough I have is from smoking a cigarette.  I don’t even get any of the mild aspects anymore. I went around without the mask for a while, before the CDC recommended that even vaccinated people wearing it again and was fine.

While the numbers of people dying to covid aren’t overly drastic, that small minority of people which are not vaccinated would be wise to do so, regardless of autonomy over their own body, because that small number, could be even smaller than it already is and since it doesn’t hurt or cause any issues, on top of the fact it is free, you really aren’t doing you or anyone else any favors by not getting it.

In the future, I think the covid shot might be like a flu shot. You get an annual booster of it and off you go until it disappears or is replaced by something more aggressive than it is. While fears of future complications might not be entirely unfounded, only time will tell about both, but until then when it comes to the shot, I say it is highly recommended.

Mortal Kombat Remake, Review

Normally, I am a lot more wordy with my reviews, but I’m speechless when it comes to how fuckin good of a movie this was. It was worth the nearly 3 decade wait to see it. If you’re a certain age, and remember MK one and how bad Annihilation was, then this needs to be seen and experienced. Just watch it!

4 out of 5 stars.