Category: Comedy

Breaking News:Ronald Regan Declares War on ISIS

AP-Washington

In a move that is shocking to most of the nation, since we’re so close to Christmas, Ronald Regan has declared war on ISIS from a brief televised interview at The White House.
Ronald Regan stood in front of reporters and stated “Mr. Goatatov, tear down that wall.” Referencing a figurative wall between the US and Middle East Relations that has been impeding US progress for years. “We need to be more vigilant in protecting our fine nations from terrorist and doing more, which why I have declared war on ISIS”

Ronald Regan closing out his speech, giving our troops a pep talk by quoting the movie “The Rock” with “Your “best”! Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen.”

It should be noted that Ronald Regan has been dead for the last 11 years. We will update this story as more develops.

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Kickstart my Heart.

     It is that time of year, when men everywhere forget to make plans for that romantic getaway, woman weep because they’re single and I can buy a large box of chocolates for $45.00 that only comes with one piece of candy that I like and about 35 pieces that I do not like, which taste no better than a common candy bar at the store. Yes, the Christmas. Er, Valentine’s day is here again.

     I’m not opposed to love, If you manage to find love, fantastic! My main concern is wondering why we need a stationary day to express our appreciation for the person that we’re in love with. Call me crazy, but if you’re in love, finding a day to express appreciation for your significant other should be the easiest thing in the world. Why could you show love for them just as much on August the 15th as you could on February the 14th? The boot to the economy, that is why, plus snow. Fuck you, snow!

     Going outside seems to be a wicked pissah for anything that isn’t going to work or something else that isn’t obligatory in the winter time, but it can be just as fun as any and without the bullshit of macro holidays that have little meaning.

     Which brings me to my next gripe with Valentine’s Day. When everyone is doing it at the same time, doesn’t it lack any semblance of being a special day? There is no surprise factor. Much like a flu shot for the millionth year in a row, it is mundane and routine. I think Valentine’s Day should be randomly assigned to a specific day each year, so that it is slightly more interesting. So starting with 2016, that special day could just as easily be the 25th of May as it is the 14th of February. Watching people scramble only two weeks ahead of time lends to Valentine’s Day the same excitement as a football game or a car chase.

     This single handily increases the worth of the day tenfold, which is great, because the other reason for finding this holiday to be a pissah is walking down the street and seeing all those single zombies slushing by with a grocery bag filled with Häagen-Dazs ice cream to cry and slowly feed themselves to death over the fact they don’t feel worthy of love. That is just the men that I’m talking about, never mind the woman who keep tissues at hand more readily than a teenage boy and feel much worse and drives them to watch movies like Fifty Shades of Grey.

     Speaking of bad decisions, while I’m at it, Valentine’s Day should be put on the schedule list of drugs. “Scientifically” speaking, Valentine’s Day, much like cocaine or heroin, often leads to bad decisions and not just the hideously awesome sweaters that you’ll wear once a year, but choices made out of desperation, just to not be alone when everyone else has someone. Like using dating profiles or worse, binge watching romantic comedies on Netflix. What other worse decisions could possibly be made than watching Four Christmas’ two months after the fact? Come on government, these atrocities need to be prevented, because no American deserves to be tortured by Vince Vaughn’s “acting.” It is inhumane and cruel and unusual punishment on both the psyche and the body, all because someone is single?

     If Valentine’s Day has taught us anything, thought, it is that people need someone validating their “love” like it is a parking garage ticket, which is a shame, because true love should need no affirmation from anyone other than the two people involved.

     The best way to express your feelings for a person isn’t with an expensive hotel room or hundred dollar box of chocolate that comes with a wicked awesome 10ft teddy bear–which in no way have I bought for myself, ever!—but with a simple kiss of appreciation for what your partner brings to the table on any day of the year and not just once. Simple expressions throughout the year make for a lot more than once a year when you try to compete with the world to show people how in love you are. Much like a closeted homosexual, it is obvious to everyone that isn’t you that you aren’t in love.

     Oh well, at least the 15th of February rocks, because 50% off Valentine’s Day candy is the shit!

(Minor corrections on 15 FEB 2015)

Life’s a Bitch and then you Die.

     “Life’s a bitch and then you die” says one Massachusetts doctor. Asking to remain anonymous, Doctor X has been studying the effects of life on humans for over twenty-five years now. “We’ve discovered that you start to die the minute you’re born.” he said, adding “and it sucks until then.”

     For such a bleak prognosis, surely there must be a cure. According to Dr. X, no cure is in sight. He explained “We’ve been looking for a cure for years. Life has a 100% mortality rate. You’re going to die and possibly sooner than you think.”

     Dr. X explained to this reporter that this need not be something to worry about. “Lots of people die, every day. The trick is to live before that happens.” he added. A tall order for some people, he knows, but when Asked about what people could do to make their life less of a bitch, all Doctor X had to say was “I find drugs help.”

     I inquired as to what type of drugs he has prescribed to patients in the past. “All of them.” he said. “Do as many drugs as humanly possible. I mean, odds are good that you’ll die tomorrow, so what the hell, right?” When asked if there was anything else he would like people to know, he said “Fuck and fuck often” Quickly adding “While on drugs.”

A Chance I didn’t Take.

Writer’s Note* Wrote this as a school assignment when I was 22. Kind of old, but those who read it, enjoy it.

———

     There once was a chance I didn’t take. It was, oh, so long ago now. I was twenty-two and fresh out of college, when I met this beautiful woman, by the name of Allison. Allison was ten years my senior, but that didn’t matter to me. She had gorgeous ruby red lips, which resembled a fresh apple that commanded you sink your teeth into it. Her long auburn hair, which smelled of watermelon, and contrasted with her baby blue eyes, and had long sweet natural waves, that washed over her head like the sea against the beach on a clear, moonlight night. She had a little tattoo on her forearm, which was classy, more so than trashy. She could be the envy of any woman that might have had the misfortune to stand next to her.

     We met one night, after work, at the local bar. I all ready had a couple of drinks in me, and I was a bit tipsy. Thats’ when I turned around on the bar stool and saw her. I don’t know weather it was the alcohol or what, but I swear she had one of those slow motion entrances you only see in the movies. I fell out of my seat in front of her. She giggled and in a soft, tender voice, asked if I was all right. I pulled myself up, dusted off and said.”I’m fine” She gazed at me with a seductive look and said “You definitely are.” Now, I’m never one to be so bold, even when liquid courage is coursing its way through my veins, but in a low voice I managed to ask “Would you care to get out of here?” She said she would, then whispered in my ear. I grew excited and we left.

     Since I was all ready near inebriation, we took her car and headed to the local liquor store. I went in and grabbed the cheapest wine with the most expensive sounding name, so I could impress her and not break my wallet at the same time. I quickly paid for the wine and made a mad dash for the car. Allison peeled out of      the parking lot and we sped to the local park. Thankfully, no one was around, so we laid out a blanket she had in her trunk and shared the wine straight from the bottle. By this time I was fully smashed and ballsy to boot, so I kissed her. We proceeded to make out like two teenagers. But it must of been a mixture of the adrenaline and the booze, because I don’t remember what happened after that.

     I awoke the next morning in my bed, with a throbbing headache. My vision was slightly blurred, but I could still make out that the clock said 9:00 am. Being late for work, I had no time to change or shower, so I just went in with what I had on. As I entered work, my supervisor looked at me and said “Wild night, huh?” It must have been the smell of booze wafting off me, along with the ruffed up look of my clothes that tipped him off. I nodded to him, my head hurt to bad to speak.”Be sure to tell me all about it at lunch” he said. I nodded again in agreement and he went off on his way.

     The rest of the day went by slow. At about eleven, I was finishing off paper work at my desk, when I reached into my pocket to find a folded piece of paper. It was a note from Alison, which read “Call me tonight” and had her phone number on it. I quickly flipped open my cell phone and started to dial when I was interrupted by a delivery guy. He placed a package on my desk and handed me a clip board to sign. Thats when I noticed the tattoo on his forearm. The same koi fish. It looked to be the same tattoo Alison had. I was going to pass it off as mere coincidence, but curiosity got the best of me. As the delivery guy left, I punched in Alison’s number and hit send. At that same moment, the delivery guy answered his cell and a man’s voice answered on mine. I quickly hung up as fast as I could. Maybe it was a coincidence, but that was a chance I wasn’t going to take.

Sexually Liberated Woman vs The Slut

     There seems to be, at least to me, people confusing the idea of a sexually liberated woman and a slut as one and the same thing. This is just not true and is something that needed to be taken to task for a long time.

     I think these ideas of that just sleeping around is equality for woman, is something that is being passed onto younger females and it is a bad thing to be passing on. You’re teaching these girls that if men can sleep around, so can’t they. This argument isn’t logical and we don’t take the time to think about what it really means to be sexually liberated as opposed to being an outright slut.

     How often do you hear someone calling a woman a “slut”, when she may in-fact, not be one? A lot of woman use the term “slut” to denigrate other woman. Some use it as a greeting, much like black modified the dreaded N-word to great one another. Some use it as a joking poke: ”Oh, you’re such a slut” Granted, a lot of women oppose the idea of being a slut and some will even try to justify the behavior of a slut as a woman being “sexually liberated” yet, that isn’t true at all. We throw the term slut, around too lightly. Why, then, do we get riled up when our daughters grow up to become the later, rather than the former, all under the guise of being sexually liberated? Allow me to give you a clue as to what separates a slut, over the sexually liberated

     The slut, quite often, sleeps around and has many, many partners.The sexually liberated woman is one who may have had many partners in her past. So what separates the two? A little thing called personal responsibility. The sexually liberated woman exercises personal responsibility, where as the slut only exercises that hole between her legs.

     The sexually liberated woman will sleep with any man she wants or even none at all. The slut will also sleep with any man she wants. What is the difference? The Sexually Liberated woman will exercise discrimination, on who she sleeps with. The slut won’t discriminate and sleep with just about any man giving her attention.

     The sexually liberated woman uses condoms. She makes sure the man has one, and if not, she will provide her own. The slut is lucky if she even knows what a condom is, never mind how to use one.

     The Sexually liberated woman isn’t just looking for attention. She, like any man, desires physical pleasure as well. The slut will make out with anyone 10 feet from the closest camera. Remember, whores are not just whores in the bedroom; they are whores in all aspects of their lives, especially when it involves attention.

     The sexually liberated woman will get sexually transmitted infection testing every few months, to ensure her health and the health of her partners. If she is in a long lasting relationship, she may, of course, forgo these test, unless she has reason to suspect she might need one, do to her or her partners infidelity, or if they choose a swingers lifestyle, or some other valid reason. The slut thinks the STD test is something you have to take to get a job and is the equivalent to a high school diploma.

     The slut may go months, and months of unprotected sex, possibly accumulating many sexually transmitted infections along the way, and possibly infected many unsuspecting partners because of her own ignorance or her lack of respect for anyone she sleeps with, by just withholding the information back.

     We cannot blame the slut for passing all of the sexually transmitted infections in the world. We need to blame the man who didn’t exercise his personal responsibility by going for the quick piece of ass, rather than looking for better quality woman, who exercises her personal responsibility.

     Some more signs include:

     Where are you picking her up?
     If you’re picking her up in a bar, chances are someone you know did the same thing the night before. You won’t find sexually liberated woman making out with other sexually liberated woman in a club to shitty hip-hop to draw your attention to them. You’ll find them everywhere else, but clubs and bars. If you do happen come across one at the club, then that is a woman out of her element and you’re lucky or easily fooled.

     If you found her on Craigslist she is probably an emotional train wreck. These women are very dangerous. A lot of them are disgruntled over a past relationship, most likely, they are not fully over it yet and you’ll bear the brunt of it. Stay away, for sluts and emotional wrecks await ye at Craigslist.

     How many kids does she have?

     If the woman you are thinking about fucking has had a lot of kids, or does have a lot of kids, and the fathers vary, you’ll want to stay away. Sexually Liberated woman wouldn’t have a lot of children, and if they did, it wouldn’t be with multiple fathers, because they have respect for themselves and that is why they use caution with personal responsibility, to make sure unwanted pregnancy doesn’t happen. Yet, the slut may have many children, and usually, those kids are taken by the state, yet, they can’t keep their legs and continue to produce more offspring to make them feel better, entrap men and get free money from the system. The do not exercise personal responsibility at all, and you’ll be wise to stay far away from them.
Of course, the list could go on and on about the difference, but the best way to tell isn’t always by looking, but by a woman’s actions. If she appears to be irresponsible for her own actions, she will be this way in all her endeavors and you should stay away.

     Do you feel like your pee burns just from looking at her?

     If you can’t even look at a woman without your penis itching, or your pee burns just thinking of her, than you are in the presence of a bona fide slut, and not a sexually liberated woman. Congrats, you probably have aids now.

     In other words, sluts are men and sexually liberated woman are just that, woman.

A Prespective on the Marijuana Movment

    The greatest detriment to the Marijuana legalization movement is not the plant itself, and not even so much the stigma and falsehoods perpetuated against the plant. It is none other than the smokers themselves that ruin the cause.

;     Think back to when Michael Phelps got busted in a picture smoking a bong, what was the first thing he said after-wards? How smoking it was a mistake. No, it wasn’t a mistake that you smoked it, your mistake was getting caught and you wanted to protect your endorsements…and yet, no one cared you toked up, because people’s perceptions of weed itself is changing.

    If we can photograph celebrities smoking a cigar or having a few cocktails and not care, why can’t we also do the same for a bong hit?

    We need more Bill Maher, and Michael Phelps types to come out and say they smoked Marijuana and that they enjoyed it, and it should be legal. Instead, we get stuck with people like Tommy Chong, who, to his credit is a great comedian, but no one takes him seriously.

    If a Nobel prize winner,scientist or billionaire came out and said “I smoke dope” people would look at smokers in a whole new light; that those of us who enjoy marijuana are not smelly hippies with nasty dreadlocks, reciting Bob Marley lyrics ad nausem , who have an I.Q. below that of wet paint.

    If you were dressed in a suit and tie and worked for a fortune 500 company and said told someone you smoke Marijuana, they probably be stunned. Mainly, because some peple have this notion that all pot smokers are stupid, dirty hippies and they are not. They now have to re-assess what they think they know about Marijuana and its smokers. Getting people to think is a positive thing in the Marijuana legalization movement.

    Joe Rogan, comedian and former host of Fear Factor, gave his story about Marijuana and his first time with it. He used to abstain from smoking it, because all his “stupid” friends smoked it, then he met a top flight martial artist and saw that it wasn’t morons and losers who toke up, productive people could, too!

    Weed doesn’t create losers and morons, it just exacerbates the symptoms all ready present. If you are a loser without dope, you’ll most likely be one with it. Same goes for the likes of other drugs, like alcohol as well. Of course, you get your wild cards, were, ironically, the person is actually more productive when they are not sober, but those are few and far between, I believe.

    I deplore the idea of sacrifice for a cause, but some of us, mainly celebrities, have a podium an average guy like me doesn’t have. Admitting to smoking dope doesn’t get an actor fired; it gets him on the cover of Time magazine. All press is good press when you are famous. Look at Brittney Spears, who goes insane and is now on a comeback role.

    If you are someone who can break the stereotype of the stupid stoner and perpetuate a new image, one of a smart, productive member of society, then you should do so, so long as it will not bring grief to your normal life.

   The Marijuana movement, I think, would be better off with 500 productive members of society, like Michael Phelps, then 5,000 well intentioned hippies protesting for the repeal of Marijuana prohibition.

    The continued debate cannot continue to be all about how marijuana is a safer alternative to a substance like alcohol. We know that now and we continue to tell people the truth, from the lies that have surged through the Marijuana movement. Now it is time to change the way people perceive us, as a collective of individuals, not a culture of wastrels looking to Turn on, tune in and drop out, but rather a group of eclectic individuals who prefer the alternative.

Sources:

Joe Rogan interview:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMLSyOMiYd4

Micheal Phelps interview:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cilWSl6T2s