“Life’s a bitch and then you die” says one Massachusetts doctor. Asking to remain anonymous, Doctor X has been studying the effects of life on humans for over twenty-five years now. “We’ve discovered that you start to die the minute you’re born.” he said, adding “and it sucks until then.”

     For such a bleak prognosis, surely there must be a cure. According to Dr. X, no cure is in sight. He explained “We’ve been looking for a cure for years. Life has a 100% mortality rate. You’re going to die and possibly sooner than you think.”

     Dr. X explained to this reporter that this need not be something to worry about. “Lots of people die, every day. The trick is to live before that happens.” he added. A tall order for some people, he knows, but when Asked about what people could do to make their life less of a bitch, all Doctor X had to say was “I find drugs help.”

     I inquired as to what type of drugs he has prescribed to patients in the past. “All of them.” he said. “Do as many drugs as humanly possible. I mean, odds are good that you’ll die tomorrow, so what the hell, right?” When asked if there was anything else he would like people to know, he said “Fuck and fuck often” Quickly adding “While on drugs.”