Category: Satire

Local Girl Plans to Lose Virginity at Prom (2011)

Prom is the highlight of any teenager’s high school days, often leading to fond memories during a person’s midlife when they realize life didn’t turn out how they planned. Students spend the entire year, saving and awaiting this one night and at least one girl, plans to make the most of it.

“I’m gonna lose my virginity at prom” says eighteen year old, Chinpoko High Student, Jessica Marsh. “It’s gonna be so much fun. I’ve been planning it since Freshman year.”

Showing off her pink prom dress that she designed and made herself, she mentions how she always pictured the perfect moment that she would lose her virginity. “Every girl always dreams of that perfect moment, that she’ll have her first time and hopes it will be special. I’m no exception.”

When asked if there was one special boy she planned to give this gift to, she said “My dream has always been to lose it to the football team.”

Going into graphic detail that can’t be printed here, she laid out her whole night and how she hopes it will unfold. “Nothing can stop this perfect moment. Not even that stuck up bitch, Brittney Olsen” she said. “it’s gonna be magical. I can’t wait to have all those Cocks.”

“The Cocks” are Chinpoko High’s championship winning team and Jessica is hoping that they will enjoy the extra perks of winning the state championship this year. “I hope this means as much to them as it does to me.” She added, smiling.

The Kage Daily Sun reached out to the Chinpoko High “Cocks” for comment, and all we got where sly grins and everyone high fiving one another.

Asked about her plans for the future, she told me how she can’t wait for college. “I’m majoring in woman’s studies” She said. “It’s not science, but there’s gonna be a lot of experimenting, if you know what I mean.”

Brittney Olsen couldn’t be reached for comment.

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Life’s a Bitch and then you Die.

     “Life’s a bitch and then you die” says one Massachusetts doctor. Asking to remain anonymous, Doctor X has been studying the effects of life on humans for over twenty-five years now. “We’ve discovered that you start to die the minute you’re born.” he said, adding “and it sucks until then.”

     For such a bleak prognosis, surely there must be a cure. According to Dr. X, no cure is in sight. He explained “We’ve been looking for a cure for years. Life has a 100% mortality rate. You’re going to die and possibly sooner than you think.”

     Dr. X explained to this reporter that this need not be something to worry about. “Lots of people die, every day. The trick is to live before that happens.” he added. A tall order for some people, he knows, but when Asked about what people could do to make their life less of a bitch, all Doctor X had to say was “I find drugs help.”

     I inquired as to what type of drugs he has prescribed to patients in the past. “All of them.” he said. “Do as many drugs as humanly possible. I mean, odds are good that you’ll die tomorrow, so what the hell, right?” When asked if there was anything else he would like people to know, he said “Fuck and fuck often” Quickly adding “While on drugs.”

Young Man Destroys Establishment.

AP-United States

     It was just spouse to be another day at the office for John Pearson, but it turned out to be historical for both him and his home country.
Born in small town New England, John Person left the simple life in pursuit of his dream of being a full time journalist.

      “I wanted to be a journalist for years.” John Pearson said. “I can recall back, being as young as five years old and interviewing people using my handy-dandy notebook from Blue’s Clues. “ He pulled out the tattered old notebook, showing the scribbling of his youth. “I didn’t grow up enjoying the greats, like Prez Hilton as my peers did. Instead, I turned to little known journalist, like Christopher Hitchens, in order to hone my craft.”

     You might be wondering who John Pearson is and why he is all over the place. He is the young man who has written a technically sound news article. He remembered the who, what, when, where and why. Did his own fact checking and didn’t alter one quote that was said to him. I’m surprised this is news. John solemnly said. I was just doing my job.

     In today’s modern world of sound bites, salacious headlines that have nothing to do with the actual article and TMZ style reporting, a young man like John would be considered too traditional to work for any major publication. Only his second article, his first being about a couple of gay Squirrels getting married, he has reason to not let it go to his head.

     “You know, I only have these two stories under my belt, so let’s see if I can continue to be the journalistic Jesus that the media is making me out to be.” He chuckled and then reminded me that journalist don’t actually get to pick the stories they will be covering and need to make a living just like any other American.

     “It’s not as if I’m going to win the Murrow award for this piece.” He added. “I have some real competition. Did you see the piece about Paris Hilton stumbling from the bar? You cannot compete with journalistic heavy-weights writing about the things Americans truly care about.”

     Indeed, John is spot on. So young and humble. We here at Best in your Girl have no doubt that John will continue to improve the journalistic landscape, one article at a time. He is already onto his next piece entitled Living with cancer at five years old.

     “I know it’s nothing, but it’s interesting to me and I just know someone out there will enjoy the piece just as much as I do. I figured with the major success I’ve garnered, perhaps they’ll cut me some slack with this next one.”

     We look forward to reading the piece and keeping you up to date on John’s career.

     Update: John did, in fact, receive a Murrow award nomination. Losing to the Paris Hilton article he cited.