Tag Archives: 50 Shades of Grey

Comedy, Essays, Non-fiction

Kickstart my Heart.

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     It is that time of year, when men everywhere forget to make plans for that romantic getaway, woman weep because they’re single and I can buy a large box of chocolates for $45.00 that only comes with one piece of candy that I like and about 35 pieces that I do not like, which taste no better than a common candy bar at the store. Yes, the Christmas. Er, Valentine’s day is here again.

     I’m not opposed to love, If you manage to find love, fantastic! My main concern is wondering why we need a stationary day to express our appreciation for the person that we’re in love with. Call me crazy, but if you’re in love, finding a day to express appreciation for your significant other should be the easiest thing in the world. Why could you show love for them just as much on August the 15th as you could on February the 14th? The boot to the economy, that is why, plus snow. Fuck you, snow!

     Going outside seems to be a wicked pissah for anything that isn’t going to work or something else that isn’t obligatory in the winter time, but it can be just as fun as any and without the bullshit of macro holidays that have little meaning.

     Which brings me to my next gripe with Valentine’s Day. When everyone is doing it at the same time, doesn’t it lack any semblance of being a special day? There is no surprise factor. Much like a flu shot for the millionth year in a row, it is mundane and routine. I think Valentine’s Day should be randomly assigned to a specific day each year, so that it is slightly more interesting. So starting with 2016, that special day could just as easily be the 25th of May as it is the 14th of February. Watching people scramble only two weeks ahead of time lends to Valentine’s Day the same excitement as a football game or a car chase.

     This single handily increases the worth of the day tenfold, which is great, because the other reason for finding this holiday to be a pissah is walking down the street and seeing all those single zombies slushing by with a grocery bag filled with Häagen-Dazs ice cream to cry and slowly feed themselves to death over the fact they don’t feel worthy of love. That is just the men that I’m talking about, never mind the woman who keep tissues at hand more readily than a teenage boy and feel much worse and drives them to watch movies like Fifty Shades of Grey.

     Speaking of bad decisions, while I’m at it, Valentine’s Day should be put on the schedule list of drugs. “Scientifically” speaking, Valentine’s Day, much like cocaine or heroin, often leads to bad decisions and not just the hideously awesome sweaters that you’ll wear once a year, but choices made out of desperation, just to not be alone when everyone else has someone. Like using dating profiles or worse, binge watching romantic comedies on Netflix. What other worse decisions could possibly be made than watching Four Christmas’ two months after the fact? Come on government, these atrocities need to be prevented, because no American deserves to be tortured by Vince Vaughn’s “acting.” It is inhumane and cruel and unusual punishment on both the psyche and the body, all because someone is single?

     If Valentine’s Day has taught us anything, thought, it is that people need someone validating their “love” like it is a parking garage ticket, which is a shame, because true love should need no affirmation from anyone other than the two people involved.

     The best way to express your feelings for a person isn’t with an expensive hotel room or hundred dollar box of chocolate that comes with a wicked awesome 10ft teddy bear–which in no way have I bought for myself, ever!—but with a simple kiss of appreciation for what your partner brings to the table on any day of the year and not just once. Simple expressions throughout the year make for a lot more than once a year when you try to compete with the world to show people how in love you are. Much like a closeted homosexual, it is obvious to everyone that isn’t you that you aren’t in love.

     Oh well, at least the 15th of February rocks, because 50% off Valentine’s Day candy is the shit!

(Minor corrections on 15 FEB 2015)

Essays, Nerding, Sex

Whip it, Whip it Good!

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“Couples should explore their mutual fantasies.” There’s no such thing as a mutual fantasy. Yours bore us; ours offend you.”-Bill Maher

      BDSM is lame. I’m going to go out on a limb here and express something that–ever since the illiterate hack of a writer called E.L. James wrote 50 Shades of Crap–has become the hip thing all the kids were talking about.

      On a surface level, BDSM to most people seems to be about Dominate and Submissive persuasions. It’s actually a lot deeper than that, but for the sake of brevity, since I could write an entire book detailing all the little nuances of the culture, we’re going to leave it here. In BDSM you take on a role of either Master/Slave or Dominate/Submissive depending upon your preferred preference of role. They refer to it as taking on a role within the BDSM “Community.”In other words, you could be a Dominate guy, running a fortune 500 company by day and a submissive slave at night. Put even better in 1975, in the Rocky Horror Picture Show, “I’m not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I’m one hell of a lover.”

      I’m not casting judgment on this lifestyle and for many, it is just that. Let us be honest, it’s fucking nerdy! BDSM is on par with Live Action Role Playing. It’s Dungeons & Dragons, for “Adults.” Your mistress gets +12 at night and must roll a D20 for damage modifier to her whip.

      Look to nature, do you see Bucks wearing ass-less chaps? No, that’s because they don’t change roles, they’re static in their persuasion. BDSM is exclusively unique to humans and I think it’s because humans don’t quite understand dominance vs submission. They have rough ideas because of how warped society is and how religion has changed everything, effectively fucking humanity up.

      Rape is a horrible crime. Even in nature, no means no. I had a female pit bull for 10 years. She was a hard up lesbian. Anytime a male dog attempted to mount her, she would promptly move. If the dog didn’t take the hint, she would attack to protect herself. Does that sound like allowance of rape?

      There is a major difference from being a rapist and being a man. Masculinity, for those who don’t get it (I.E. woman and 99% of men) is not about rape. “Rape” is often tossed about as being a common fantasy of woman. Yet, when you read the description, it’s not even akin to rape at all. It’s something out of a stupid Harley-Quinn romance novel featuring Fabio on the cover, in a shirt that the front man of The Cure would rock for Gothic flavor.

 

      Men are intuitive, with luck. Not all are, but since the birth of humanity, one thing was certain, sex was most likely accomplished non-verbally. Hence why there are so many books on how to know if a woman is flirting with you. It’s in human

 

      nature and it didn’t go away just because we developed a language which allows for far more efficient communication. You can be a man and not be a rapist. It is quite easy, so long as you pay attention. What woman are really saying, but lack the ability to verbalize is not rape, but passionate, strong, aggressive sex.

      Getting back to the topic at hand on BDSM, is it any wonder that it catches on in a society with a childlike understanding of sexual persuasions? Scratch that, because one look at a schools structure and how children group will show a much better understanding of those persuasions. There are leaders, followers and uncategorized. They don’t just extend to sex.

      Dominance is no more a role than being a gender is an identity. It’s something that is innate and cannot be faked by people who aren’t. Whips, chains, dog collars and pleather jackets, (because to rock real leather would be harming animals and the pseudo-dominate couldn’t allow that, could they?) are not dominate.

      Leather doesn’t make you dominate, fuck, it doesn’t make you anything. Try making it yourself, instead of buying a machine made, Chinese lead filled, cheap piece of shit. Does wearing elves ears make me a Vulcan? Nope and it doesn’t extend anywhere else, either. You either are or you’re not, but you can play the role as so many do in this lifestyle. Emphasis on the play.

      Going back to 50 Shades of Grey, which isn’t about a dominate male and a submissive woman, but rather about a scared little boy who wants total control over everything, including woman. Security is a hallmark of men. Woman seek it and men need to have it and that doesn’t need to mean money or status, since status is so varied that it will depend on a woman’s preference.

      How does BDSM fit into that? It doesn’t. It’s all up to the individual to do what’s right for them, but one thing is for sure, BDSM and 50 Shades of Grey are not, nor will it ever be legit dominance. My personal understanding of a dominatrix, is that it is something woman do, in order to be more actively engaged in sex. Nature kind of decrees that they’re usually in a more passive role, during the sex. This is wholly understandable, yet I will never understand why men are drawn to it. It’s on par with studying masculinity. If you have to study masculinity, you’re probably not too much of a man, anyways and that’s fine, nature needs you as well. Don’t attempt to be “Alpha.” Anyone with a brain knows this type of guy just doesn’t exist. You can be masculine and great with woman and not be the top dog. In some cases, that “Alpha” guy is taking it in the ass from his boyfriend, if he happens to be gay. Yes, they exist on both sides of sexuality.

      If you know a thing or two about programing, you know Alpha testing is the shit phase. That’s when you work out all the kinks out and figure out how to fix them. In other words, your alpha phase should be childhood and by your teen years, you should have a much better grasp on yourself as a person and your likes and dislikes.

      Best way to be dominate in the bedroom? Be active in the sex and not passive. That is being dominate. Direct the traffic and take some chances. If something doesn’t work, she’ll express herself and you can stop doing as such. It doesn’t make you less of a man to have respect for any human, regardless of gender.

      Think with the right head and you’ll be fine.

Postscript:Cleaned up the article a bit, made a few minor errors, which are now corrected.

EDITED 9/08/18 TO REMOVE PICTURES IN THIS ARTICLE, DUE TO NOT FORMATTING RIGHT.