Fashionably Late Movie Reviews: Friday The 13th 2009

INTRODUCTION: I saw this movie in 2009 when it came out. I wasn’t hugely keen on remakes and especially not Platinum Dunes taking the lead and even though I tend to like Michael Bay flicks, which I know it isn’t hip, cool, edgy or intellectual of me, but you know what? Fuck the pretentious cucks that hate him. He has made some fun movies and Friday the 13th remake seemed like one for the ages. So how good is it after ten years?

PLOT: This makes retro Jason movies seem like they took good care to create plot.

CHARACTERS: Cliché Jason fodder, but that is pretty much the point. It takes a whole group of WB tv show rejects and gives them a movie. Personally, the douche leader is the most interesting, followed by the Stoners. Oh and the blonde girl the douche bangs, she really was stupendous, who was acting in that scene? No one!

ACTING: Surprisingly good from everyone but that one dude from Supernatural, who normally is a better actor, albeit, dry. Must not have been feeling it in 2009.

FX: It is Friday the 13th. Everything is practical and looks good.

LIGHTING: Retro, but works.

STYLE: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003. It works here, but the faux dated shit is old.

KILLS: Not the most over the top, but solid and cool.

TITS: Only that one blonde. The other woman need to sue their plastic surgeon for malpractice. I’d rather see real A cups than fake DD’s any day.

MUSIC: You couldn’t tell there was any, but Sister Christian, am I right?

SUBTEXT: STUPENDOUS!

CONCLUSION: I’m not really sure why this movie was made. I mean, it doesn’t even know what decade it is in. Retro Budwiser cans that are dated between 1970-2000 ish and retro 70s/80s clothing mashup. It looks like the 03 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, which sucked balls and this wasn’t much better. Even the lighting was very 70s in some scenes. How the fuck could you do a movie when you can’t even figure out what decade the original series is from? Still Jason runs and is super aggressive again, which was much needed and different from Kane Hodder’s and Friday the 13th needed that, very much. Derek Myers very much deserves one more flick, he was a fun Jason. The ending was a major let down, but it had some cool jump scares, but nothing new or original. If you just want something that is retro cool to drink and chill with, this is your flick and in that case, it is very good, but if you were expecting a really good movie, then find something else. This serves as nothing more than a kill count movie and sometimes, that is all it needs to be.

3 out of 5.



Categories: Movies, Review, Writing

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