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Movies, Review, Writing

Fashionably Late Movie Reviews: Friday The 13th 2009

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INTRODUCTION: I saw this movie in 2009 when it came out. I wasn’t hugely keen on remakes and especially not Platinum Dunes taking the lead and even though I tend to like Michael Bay flicks, which I know it isn’t hip, cool, edgy or intellectual of me, but you know what? Fuck the pretentious cucks that hate him. He has made some fun movies and Friday the 13th remake seemed like one for the ages. So how good is it after ten years?

PLOT: This makes retro Jason movies seem like they took good care to create plot.

CHARACTERS: Cliché Jason fodder, but that is pretty much the point. It takes a whole group of WB tv show rejects and gives them a movie. Personally, the douche leader is the most interesting, followed by the Stoners. Oh and the blonde girl the douche bangs, she really was stupendous, who was acting in that scene? No one!

ACTING: Surprisingly good from everyone but that one dude from Supernatural, who normally is a better actor, albeit, dry. Must not have been feeling it in 2009.

FX: It is Friday the 13th. Everything is practical and looks good.

LIGHTING: Retro, but works.

STYLE: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003. It works here, but the faux dated shit is old.

KILLS: Not the most over the top, but solid and cool.

TITS: Only that one blonde. The other woman need to sue their plastic surgeon for malpractice. I’d rather see real A cups than fake DD’s any day.

MUSIC: You couldn’t tell there was any, but Sister Christian, am I right?

SUBTEXT: STUPENDOUS!

CONCLUSION: I’m not really sure why this movie was made. I mean, it doesn’t even know what decade it is in. Retro Budwiser cans that are dated between 1970-2000 ish and retro 70s/80s clothing mashup. It looks like the 03 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, which sucked balls and this wasn’t much better. Even the lighting was very 70s in some scenes. How the fuck could you do a movie when you can’t even figure out what decade the original series is from? Still Jason runs and is super aggressive again, which was much needed and different from Kane Hodder’s and Friday the 13th needed that, very much. Derek Myers very much deserves one more flick, he was a fun Jason. The ending was a major let down, but it had some cool jump scares, but nothing new or original. If you just want something that is retro cool to drink and chill with, this is your flick and in that case, it is very good, but if you were expecting a really good movie, then find something else. This serves as nothing more than a kill count movie and sometimes, that is all it needs to be.

3 out of 5.

Fashionably Late Reviews, Movies, Reviews

Fashionably Late Movie Reviews: Friday The 13th Part 7

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Introduction
Another installation of fashionably late movie reviews. This time we’re reviewing Friday the 13th part 7:The New Blood. This is another of my favorites in this series. If you never seen this one, it’s the one were someone had a pair of balls in some shitty production meeting in 1987 and said “What if Jason fought Carrie White?” and in typical Hollywood fashion some rich asshole with more money than brains said “fucking brilliant, here is 20 million bucks, go make it!” That is pretty much how these things are app to go. So without further ado, I call this review, Friday the 13th part 7: The Search for More Money!

Synopsis
A plethora of cliché and shallow “teen” characters played by early 30 something actors are stranded in the woods of Crystal Lake for the billionth time, when PLOT TWIST, a psycho named Jason Vorhees shows up to kill them!

Characters
All the bullshit tropes are accounted for, nothing new here and all shallow as fuck!

Acting
Holy shit is it bad! I mean, the porn your parents made on their honeymoon was probably better acted then this shit. One of the worse acted of them all.

Dialogue
Fine, nothing that really stands out as absolute garbage.

Kills
Nothing over the top or interesting. This is one that could hold up well on TV, with minimum edits.

Conclusion
This is easily one of the more interesting entries in the series, if only for the psychic aspect. Had the characters been given more depth so we could care about them getting axed, along with developing the story a tad bit more, even with terrible acting, the seeds were there for a even better version of this flick. What we ultimately got was a mess of a movie that seemed to want to wade into unfamiliar territory but too scared to make those choices because it didn’t want to drop it’s successful formula in favor of originality. Had the film makers been less reticent, this might have spawned a whole slew of slashers straying from their A-B, horror by numbers. It is an ashame too, given Part 6 did just that and gave room with excellent box office numbers to get them to give different another go. Clearly, it wasn’t meant to be and it still turned out to be OK entry into the series and still one of my favorites, regardless.

3 out of 5

Fashionably Late Reviews, Horror, Reviews, Writing

Fashionably Late Movie Reviews:Jason Lives, Friday the 13th part VI.

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INTRODUCTION
Jason Lives is without a doubt my favorite of the Friday the 13th movies. It was Meta before Scream and I adore Scream, so this one was defiantly up my alley. This one holds up the best on television and it was not as over the top as some of the earlier and later sequels. So does it hold up 33 years after the fact?

SYNOPSIS
Tommy Jarvis, past victim of Jason, returns to Crystal Lake to burn Jason’s dead body. A lighting strike hits Jason, resurrecting him, ala old 1930-1950 style movies and Jason is back to kill a bunch of people with poor character development for our entertainment.

CHARACTERS
Tommy had been built for three movies and still he is a mediocre Nancy Thompson for this franchise, but he is acted much better in this flick. The rest of the characters are filler to see killed because it is a Friday the 13th and who the hell needs character development?

ACTING
Some of the stronger acting of the series. It really wanted to set itself apart from past sequels and do its own thing. Even the smallest role is very well acted in this movie. It’s not hokey, even 33 years later.

KILLS
Nothing over the top, just your quick machete to the gut or something else just as tame by this series standards but that is ok and one of the things that makes this flick hold up.

SUBTEXT
It’s Friday the 13th, for real tho!

CONCLUSION
Part 6 didn’t reinvent the wheel by any stretch of the imagination, but it did make the old structure fresh and fun, while giving birth to the meta genre. Its kills are banal and mediocre, there is no nudity and ultimately it seems like it should not satisfy gore hounds, yet it does and it looks really good to this day.

3.5/5

FUN FACT:
Jason Lives seems to take place in the future, given the fact that Jarvis is at least 30 something, as the actor himself was. If we are to use the chronical age of the actors, given that there is no real way of telling the age of the characters themselves, since Corey Feldman was a teenager in the former sequels, then Part 6 takes place in 2006/2007 and would technically be the final Friday before Jason X would come about.