Tag: horror movie reviews

Army of the Dead

This isn’t so much of a review, as much as it is a bitch fest, so this will be wicked short. I watched this the other night and well, while the movie is alright, I couldn’t help but see one too many parallels to something else that deals with zombies, so my review is going to be summed up in this picture.

The Movie

CONCLUSION: Besides Zynder’s call backs to his remake of Dawn of the Dead (2004), which seem hokey and retro in a badway, this movie doesn’t move the genre forward in anyway, shape or form. It’s a mediocre movie in everyway, shape and form. All the most interesting parts are ripped off the game Left4Dead, which is the super zombies that are harder to kill. Included are the witch, the hunter and some Glen Danzig wanna be. If you added the “boomer” zombies, you could of easily called this Left4Dead 3. I hope Netflix gets sued for plagiarism.

2 out of 5 stars.

Kageoween: Halloween Kills Review (Mostly Spoiler free)

INTRODUCTION: Welcome back to another edition of Kageoween! This year, we’re taking a look at Halloween 2-2, aka Halloween Kills or Halloween 2020-21.

Is this the horror movie of our nightmares or another dashed potential at the film series?

PLOT: It’s technically November 1st, probably, but Halloween is still continuing to be a horrific nightmare, thanks to the escape of Michael Myers, only hours earlier.  

CHARACTERS: Mostly characters from the last outing or in Antony Michael Hall’s case, an updated actor to an old role. None of them are really better developed in this one, but they don’t really need to be.

STYLE: Very great visuals, especially when they go back to 1978 for a very special surprise, which will make you explode with joy as a fan.

ACTING: Very good! Not a single weak ass mutha’ fucker, even the extras brought their A game.

DIALOGUE: Clunky at moments, but otherwise fine. This movie would have been great even with dialogue.

FX: Retro, but good. Nothing is going to stand out to you.

MUSIC: It’s Halloween! It’s that same one fuckin’ song and the occasional eerie Myer’s screech/beat, but it is fuckin’ effective as all hell, so who cares?

SUBTEXT: None that I could discern at present.

CONCLUSION:

The critic consensus isn’t good, but fuck them, am I right? This movie just proves that this Halloween is following typical three act structure and this is The Empire Strikes Back of Halloween movies. Oh sure, it has a few weak moments when it comes to potential recons, that don’t really make sense, given that Halloween (2018) picks up right after Michael is shot by Loomis in Halloween (1978) but they’re not committed enough to those for it to have really matter, at least not in this flick. Yes, it’s a movie devoid of anything but senseless killing and in that, we find brilliance, because this movie is really Michael’s voice, in that he speaks through his actions, leading up to what should be a amazing third act in Halloween Ends (2022) Ultimately, this movie didn’t need to be anything but carnage candy and it satisfies. Now only time will tell if the series will end on a high note. It has me already looking forward to next Halloween.

4 out of 5 stars.

Fashionably Late Movie Reviews: Friday The 13th 2009

INTRODUCTION: I saw this movie in 2009 when it came out. I wasn’t hugely keen on remakes and especially not Platinum Dunes taking the lead and even though I tend to like Michael Bay flicks, which I know it isn’t hip, cool, edgy or intellectual of me, but you know what? Fuck the pretentious cucks that hate him. He has made some fun movies and Friday the 13th remake seemed like one for the ages. So how good is it after ten years?

PLOT: This makes retro Jason movies seem like they took good care to create plot.

CHARACTERS: Cliché Jason fodder, but that is pretty much the point. It takes a whole group of WB tv show rejects and gives them a movie. Personally, the douche leader is the most interesting, followed by the Stoners. Oh and the blonde girl the douche bangs, she really was stupendous, who was acting in that scene? No one!

ACTING: Surprisingly good from everyone but that one dude from Supernatural, who normally is a better actor, albeit, dry. Must not have been feeling it in 2009.

FX: It is Friday the 13th. Everything is practical and looks good.

LIGHTING: Retro, but works.

STYLE: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003. It works here, but the faux dated shit is old.

KILLS: Not the most over the top, but solid and cool.

TITS: Only that one blonde. The other woman need to sue their plastic surgeon for malpractice. I’d rather see real A cups than fake DD’s any day.

MUSIC: You couldn’t tell there was any, but Sister Christian, am I right?

SUBTEXT: STUPENDOUS!

CONCLUSION: I’m not really sure why this movie was made. I mean, it doesn’t even know what decade it is in. Retro Budwiser cans that are dated between 1970-2000 ish and retro 70s/80s clothing mashup. It looks like the 03 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, which sucked balls and this wasn’t much better. Even the lighting was very 70s in some scenes. How the fuck could you do a movie when you can’t even figure out what decade the original series is from? Still Jason runs and is super aggressive again, which was much needed and different from Kane Hodder’s and Friday the 13th needed that, very much. Derek Myers very much deserves one more flick, he was a fun Jason. The ending was a major let down, but it had some cool jump scares, but nothing new or original. If you just want something that is retro cool to drink and chill with, this is your flick and in that case, it is very good, but if you were expecting a really good movie, then find something else. This serves as nothing more than a kill count movie and sometimes, that is all it needs to be.

3 out of 5.

Kagemas:Jack Frost Movie Review

INTRODUCTION: Jack Frost, a movie I saw years too late and watched again recently. Not to be confused with that heart felt movie that with Michael Keaton, where the father comes back as a snowman, after he dies, produced around the same time. This one is a horror comedy with a young Shannon Elizabeth. It is quite interesting and very 90s.

SYNOPSIS: A killer, being transported to his execution, ends up in an accident. Unbeknownst to anyone, it is also transporting a top secret government science project that turns the killer into a snowman.

CHARACTERS: Well, it seems like a tight nit community and the characters are developed ok. I wouldn’t say you care about them, but it is done well enough to make you think this is real.

ACTING: Better than a Hallmark movie, worse than a good movie, but very passable.

MUSIC: Works, but nothing to write home about.

FX: Dated, but they would have been decent in their time. It works, I mean, it’s about a killer snowman, don’t overthink this.

SUBTEXT: Honestly, I think this has some, but it is weak. It’s about community, family and coming together in a way a lot of cheesy, hallmark rom-coms cannot even pull off.

CONCLUSION: This is a fun movie, but doesn’t really go far enough. It lacks the old school suspense of things like Halloween or Friday the 13, but is still enjoyable to watch. It has all the makings of a cult classic and is an excellent change of pace compared to other horror in its time. It wasn’t ever going to be an amazing flick, but for fucks sakes, it has a Snowman rape scene that is pretty brutal and hilarious at the same time and if that isn’t enough to sell you on at least seeing this one time, I don’t know what will, because it rarely gets more fucked up than that. Watch it for Christmas, because it is a lot less corny in comparison to everything else on television.

2 ½ out of 5

DeadTectives from Shudder, Review

INTRODUCTION: Deadtective’s is a great horror comedy in the vain of Ghostbusters. It isn’t a very unique premise, but it is still an interesting flick.

SYNOPSIS: Ghost hunters, whose show is usually faked, get sent to Mexico for one last attempt at a rating boosting show or risk being canceled. Unfortunately, this place is actually haunted.

CHARACTERS: No a lot of depth, but unique and different that we can enjoy them for who they are.

ACTING: Fantastic, from all of them. Some off moments, but not many.

DIALOGUE: Very good!

VISUALS: Surprisingly, very good!

MUSIC: Not bad, but nothing spectacular.

TENSION: Strong enough, but not enough to get you there.

SUBTEXT: None

CONCLUSION: This is another win for Shudder with their exclusives. I really like Shudder and what they offer and the movies they’re doing are different, but familiar at the same time and quite a few of them are a win. It’s a lot better than your straight to DVD fare from back in the day. This is funny, scary in some parts and a good way to kill an afternoon. Recommended.

3 1/2 out of 5

Kageoween: Found Footage 3D in 2D Review.

INTRODUCTION: These movies, as of late, seem to be making a lier out of me. I know I said I hate these films, but Found Footage 3D is another exception to this rule. I don’t know why it has taken the better part of two decades to produce some quality found footage films, but they’re here now and it might be a good thing. At least this one was pretty epic, besides HellHouse LLC trilogy.

SYNOPSIS: Group of people, go off into the woods, like every damn movie, albeit this one with some meta aspects to it, making it “different”.

CHARACTERS: Well done! Granted, none are overly remarkable, but they draw you in and keep you glued into the edge of you seat. I found myself caring at the end, which is a rarity for me.

ACTING: Very, very good! None are well known that I am aware of and all of them put their best foot forward. That, or my standards are getting lower the older I get.

KILLS: Fuckin’ wicked! Oh good, they’re good stuff. Seriously, the ending is amazing!

DIALOGUE: Fantastic! I love the Evil Dead homage along with a great line, pointing out how these films tend to suck. Brilliant!

PACING: Fantastic! Moves at a great pace and keeps you enthralled until the end.

SUBTEXT: none of note. It’s not really a thinker, but it doesn’t need to be. You really just enjoy it and a popcorn flick is always alright.

CONCLUSION:
This one took a tired old cliché and didn’t turn it on its head, but made it tolerable and enjoyable. Found Footage 3D is how these films should have been produced years ago and it is nice to see that people are taking the genre as more than just a cash grab as it has been for years and they’re making haters of the genre like myself, eat crow for the fact that they can be fun, even with an overblown formula. This one is well worth the check out.

4 out of 5.