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Old Bitty Titties: Opinion

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So if you’ve seen this

https://themessenger.com/entertainment/poor-things-review-emma-stone-has-sex-with-an-apple-a-cucumber-mark-ruffalo-and-more

And this

https://www.dailystar.co.uk/showbiz/us-showbiz/heather-graham-53-full-frontal-31324286.amp

And this

https://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/jennifer-lawrence-joins-demi-moore-margot-robbie-going-full-frontal-hollywood.amp

Then you know where I am going with this OP-ED. So let me set this up with a axiom for movies I came up with in my teens. It goes

The eailer we see tits in a movie, the worse the flick is going to be.”

-Teenage Me

and most times, this holds true, at least for me. 99% of 80s horror movies used this formula to major box office receipts, but none of them were known for being good cinema. Now the same trend, is creeping into normal movies as well and to be fair, I’m pretty sure my axiom holds true here, as well, except that we change it to read

“if a majority of your marketing budget is spent on an actress, especially an aging one, doing soft core porn, your movie is probably going to suck.”

-me

Now, don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with older women showing off and feeling comfortable with their skin as some middle aged people are apt to do. Nor was there anything wrong with Brittney Spears doing something similar. I’m also not prutanical enough to say all nudity is bad. Titanic used it tactfully.

That said, this is a really dull and stupid trend that reeks of exploitation of aging women and their comfort zone with middle age to try and still be relevant in a world were your uturus dictates the value of a female actress, over a male counterpart.

One has to wonder whom this trend is really for, though. I mean, sure, I liked older women in my youth, but are teen boys really into middle age women baring it all? I don’t think so. In fact, I know so.

Let’s look at the fact that these movies are borderline Pornhub videos. Who the fuck wants to sit in the movies and watch that amongst a bunch of strangers? There is a reason why the last porn cinemas went out of business over 30 years ago and that’s probably because it as awkward to watch as asking your parents to buy you condoms in your teens. So unless you’re Paul Rubens, this probably isn’t the place for you.

I for one am already over this stupid trend and hope it goes away sooner, rather than later, because it perplexes me as to why and for what a person could possibly get from this. Hollywood needs to leave to Tity showing to barley legal b-movie actress and not well established veterans of acting. You’re a director, not Lary Flynt. Also, If these middle age actress’ want to show off, do it the old fashioned way, by calling Playboy, like Madonna did.

Writing

Kagegiving: Joker, 2019, movie review

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INTRODUCTION: This movie came out in 2019, as the most unique concept in movie history, but also very popularizing to audiences that thought this type of movie might embolden incels to mass violence, ala the Auroa, Co incident. That, thankfully, never happened. What we did end up with is a movie that is getting a sequel soon and so I decided to finally give this film a go. So is it something to be thankful for?

PLOT: A young man with NPD and a laugh condition, struggles to fit into a 1970s-1980s era world, then eventually becomes the joker.

MUSIC: Catchy retro tunes.

CHARACTERS: Arthur Fleck is the most remarkable and remembered of all the characters. The rest kinda exist and are not as well developed.

VISUALS: Stunning! I’ve seen enough retro movies to know that Todd Phillips nailed the style he was going for. It’s retro, but not tacky. Every thing, including the typewriter print, was so painfully accurate. The most non authentic part of this movie, I would argue, was the revolver. It had a pin on the hammer. While it never says what year the movie actually is, I suspect it’s between 1977-1982, Smith and Wesson revolvers with modern, no pin hammers were becoming way more common place. I like that Todd went with this choice though, because those type of revolvers were more dangerous than the strictly hammer ones. Which adds to the character of the joker.

DIALOGUE: very good!

ACTING: Superb! Joquian is amazing in this film. The rest of the cast is very good as well, leading to a believable world where this guy, very well could be, the joker.

FX: just basic faux ballsistics. The stunt with Joker getting hit by the car is good. Very cringe when the taxi hits.

CONCLUSION: a few weird artistic stylings aside, this movie is interesting. I cannot say I am a fan of it, because I think an otherwise, I Am Sam like movie, looking at the hardships of a human being, is bogged down in the safety of calling him the joker, in order for this film to be commercially viable. It also forces filming redundant Batman orgin mythology in order to make sure it is a DC film. It’s a unique strategy, which worked, but really shouldn’t and what makes me like this film less than I otherwise might have, had Arthur been given more opportunities to take a different path to a resolution in his life, instead of being a murderer, which ultimately makes this film predictable. That said, objectively, it’s not a bad movie, just not as great as it could of been and one that definitely doesn’t need a sequel to it. I’m thankful for it unique premise, but not much else.

3 out of 5

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Kageoween: Five Nights At Freddy’s Movie Review.

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INTRODUCTION: So I’ve never played the video games. I know very little about this series. My brother has played them and my sister played at least one, so that’s the extent of my knowledge of Five Nights At Freddy’s.I think that makes me the perfect guy to review this movie, since I have no vested interest in this franchise. So how was it?

PLOT: a security guard loses his mall job, to be hired to watch over a wish.com Chuckie Cheeses’, where there is more than just repurposed pizza to worry about.

CHARACTERS: Not bad. They took some care to develop the characters. I can’t say you care by the end, but you could be open to more of them in a sequel.

ACTING: Very good. No one is winning awards here, but they are all solid.

DIALOGUE: Good, nothing cringe

VISUALS: Excellent

FX: Very good.

MUSIC: Catchy, but not very memorable.

CONCLUSION: This movie does tension in a retro way and does it very well. Too bad the tension builds towards nothing of value in terms of scares. It’s hard to figure out the tone of the movie, given some times it’s comical, which I’m sure is unintentional, given the scene that produced it. Other times it seems like a family drama. It kinda lacks an identity and kinda success at both, whilst failing miserably. It’s not horrible, but it leaves more questions than answers. The big bad reveal fizzles like a scooby do ending. They don’t even really set up a sequel. Maybe I’m just to fuckin stupid to get what they are trying to achieve. The biggest takeaway was a couple of random Saw references. Maybe a sequel would do it justice.

2.5/5

Writing

Is Anybody Buying This?

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You know how I feel about YouTuber’s and their drama. if you do not, read

OMG! WHITE Person TAUNTS unsuspecting Asian by SPEAKING FLUENT Asian.

And read this

The Sick Sad Truth of YouTube Exposed!

YouTubers are a large grouping of social pariahs, made up of “Autistic” neck beards, weirdos, narcissistic personality disordered, antisocial personality disordered, pedophilic, toxic, want to be celebrities, that exist. In fact, if YouTube was a place you could visit in real life, it would be a prison. YouTube reminds me of Arkham Asylum, the only difference is that unlike Arkham, the prisoners aren’t interesting and even Batman would want to watch that world burn.

Live video of your typical YouTuber and their fans

Anyways, so I’ve seen some weird shit floating through my feed lately and it’s been trending for a few days. Like fish to bait, people are eating it up and talking about it. I’m talking the SSSniperwolf BS. Is anybody really buying into this? It seems more fake than a WWE storyline.

You want me to believe she, is stalking him? If only we could all be so lucky.

For some reason, the internet expects me to believe that SHE is stalking HIM! If only we could be so lucky to look like that and have her show up to our houses. By the way, my tin foil hat wearing neighbor is also currently being stalked by Megan Fox, which is probably just as legitimate/sarcasm

Now, I’m not saying such could never happen, no matter how unlikely it would seem. Yet I think about the average desperation of a YouTuber and it makes me take a small pause before having an opinion about such.

The last time my intelligence felt this insulted, this dude was on TV telling Vince and the fans that Hulk Hogan was sitting at home, watching him confront Vince. Totally two different people/sarcasm

The last time my intelligence felt this insulted, this dude was on TV telling Vince McMahon and the fans that Hulk Hogan was sitting at home, watching him confront the egotistical CEO of WWE. Clearly they are totally two different people/sarcasm

So I want to know, is anyone REALLY buying into this? I’m not and I don’t think a majority of people that read my work are, either.

Apparently after a few days it, things got worse for Ms. Sniperwolf, as old video surfaced of her, asking some underage girl to flash her on cam. Another thing I found hard to buy, given that a majority of “normal” sites are hosting the otherwise illegal video and people are passing it around. Now, I’m not a lawyer, but I highly reckon that is illegal and even so much as a retweet would get you picked up by the FBI.

I, unlike these other sites, will not be posting the link, but here is a screenshot of a source talking about this.

Just because it worked well, once before, doesn’t mean it should be done again!

I know WWE struck lightning with the Logan Paul signing, but just because it worked once, doesn’t mean they should try it again, or if they do, maybe inter-gender is not the way to go about it. Regardless, be this a stupid YouTube storyline people are talking at face value or real, All I know is that if this SSSniperwolf feud doesn’t end like this,

then I’m not buying into this Sunday’s premium live event.

EDIT: This, sadly, did not end with a well placed chair shot.

Not a single chair shot was exchanged, just a dull tweet. 😦
Writing

Kageoween: The Thing, 1982, movie review.

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INTRODUCTION: As I stated in my previous review, 2023 seems to be the year of John Carpenter. Sadly, the same could not be said, 41 years earlier, when Mr. Carpenter released The Thing to cinemas. So how good is this movie?

PLOT: A group of scientists fight a Ailen. No, you’re it wrong, that is the plot to Ailen (1979) as well.

CHARACTERS: Not bad. I mean, the star studded cast makes up for weak character development. These dudes are basically hibernating alcoholics, that already seem depressed as fuck, making the “threat” seem like a mercy killing. A tad bit more, upbeat characters and some banter between them, that suggests they’re at least friendly would of been nice. Not in this film though.

ACTING: Excellent! They all do a great job here. Granted it isn’t award winning, but given the material they have to work with, the fact they did their job seriously and not typical b movie, phone it in, is excellent.

STYLE: John Carpenter at his best. The visuals are stunning and a nice tidbit, the blue lights, which unbeknownst to scientists back then, for preventing suicidal tendencies, adds an accidental layer of depth to these men’s plights and isolation they’ve going through, making this choice very ahead of the curve.

DIALOGUE: Good

PACING: Typical slow moving pacing, which is nice, but doesn’t give us enough to make use of it, as it tries to be face paced with the sequences we’re seeing, making it awkward as to if it’s supposed to be an action or a horror movie that adds tension.

FX: Excellent, especially given how old the movie is. They hold up exceptionally well. Minus the early moments of the movie showing the space craft.

CONCLUSION: This movie bombed at the box office and is one of John’s biggest laments. It’s not a bad movie though, I think it suffers due to coming too soon on the heels of Ailen. It’s basically the same movie, but starring Kurt Russell. It some ways, that makes it better, in other ways it suffers for it. Had this movie been made in the 90s, 20 years after Ailen, I think it would of been a smash hit, especially post Ailen Reserection, given that movie sucked by most people standards, except me, who liked it. Sadly for John, it came 3 years after the 70s classic and didn’t add much new to the genre. This movie could beat be summarized as Evil Dead /Ailen hybrid, so much in fact, that I’m shocked they never showed the necronimicon. Despite its flaws, like needing more details about the Ailen and its purpose for possession of humans and it’s weak ending, it is still a very good movie and one I prefer over Ailen.

3.5 out of 5

Writing

Kageoween: John Carpenter’s Suburban Screams, 2023, review

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INTRODUCTION: So JC at one point said something to the effect of “I put my hand out and there’s a pay check in it, I’m happy” well, who can blame him? I love having money in my hand as well, but this isn’t a pay day for an old movie getting a remake based on his characters, rather it’s a sale of his name to another true crime series, the world doesn’t need.

PLOT: Maybe real crime stories re-enacted by actors that even porn would reject for their horrible acting.

CHARACTERS: What characters? I think they’re supposed to be based on real people, but the episode never mentions the crime that this is covering.

ACTING: This makes pornography actors seem like Kate Winslet.

VISUALS: Dated, retro and not in a very good way.

FX: Mid card as fuck!

CONCLUSION: This show is one more in a genre that’s done to death, no pun intended. JC doesn’t have much to do with this show, except in name only. It’s fine if he wants to milk his name for all its worth, but a little bit of editorial discretion as to what your name is on, would be a nice touch. Much like John Carpenter, I too placed my hand out, only I didn’t get a pay check, I just got a headache.

1 out of 5 stars