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Kageoween: The Thing, 1982, movie review.

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INTRODUCTION: As I stated in my previous review, 2023 seems to be the year of John Carpenter. Sadly, the same could not be said, 41 years earlier, when Mr. Carpenter released The Thing to cinemas. So how good is this movie?

PLOT: A group of scientists fight a Ailen. No, you’re it wrong, that is the plot to Ailen (1979) as well.

CHARACTERS: Not bad. I mean, the star studded cast makes up for weak character development. These dudes are basically hibernating alcoholics, that already seem depressed as fuck, making the “threat” seem like a mercy killing. A tad bit more, upbeat characters and some banter between them, that suggests they’re at least friendly would of been nice. Not in this film though.

ACTING: Excellent! They all do a great job here. Granted it isn’t award winning, but given the material they have to work with, the fact they did their job seriously and not typical b movie, phone it in, is excellent.

STYLE: John Carpenter at his best. The visuals are stunning and a nice tidbit, the blue lights, which unbeknownst to scientists back then, for preventing suicidal tendencies, adds an accidental layer of depth to these men’s plights and isolation they’ve going through, making this choice very ahead of the curve.

DIALOGUE: Good

PACING: Typical slow moving pacing, which is nice, but doesn’t give us enough to make use of it, as it tries to be face paced with the sequences we’re seeing, making it awkward as to if it’s supposed to be an action or a horror movie that adds tension.

FX: Excellent, especially given how old the movie is. They hold up exceptionally well. Minus the early moments of the movie showing the space craft.

CONCLUSION: This movie bombed at the box office and is one of John’s biggest laments. It’s not a bad movie though, I think it suffers due to coming too soon on the heels of Ailen. It’s basically the same movie, but starring Kurt Russell. It some ways, that makes it better, in other ways it suffers for it. Had this movie been made in the 90s, 20 years after Ailen, I think it would of been a smash hit, especially post Ailen Reserection, given that movie sucked by most people standards, except me, who liked it. Sadly for John, it came 3 years after the 70s classic and didn’t add much new to the genre. This movie could beat be summarized as Evil Dead /Ailen hybrid, so much in fact, that I’m shocked they never showed the necronimicon. Despite its flaws, like needing more details about the Ailen and its purpose for possession of humans and it’s weak ending, it is still a very good movie and one I prefer over Ailen.

3.5 out of 5

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Kageoween: John Carpenter’s Suburban Screams, 2023, review

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INTRODUCTION: So JC at one point said something to the effect of “I put my hand out and there’s a pay check in it, I’m happy” well, who can blame him? I love having money in my hand as well, but this isn’t a pay day for an old movie getting a remake based on his characters, rather it’s a sale of his name to another true crime series, the world doesn’t need.

PLOT: Maybe real crime stories re-enacted by actors that even porn would reject for their horrible acting.

CHARACTERS: What characters? I think they’re supposed to be based on real people, but the episode never mentions the crime that this is covering.

ACTING: This makes pornography actors seem like Kate Winslet.

VISUALS: Dated, retro and not in a very good way.

FX: Mid card as fuck!

CONCLUSION: This show is one more in a genre that’s done to death, no pun intended. JC doesn’t have much to do with this show, except in name only. It’s fine if he wants to milk his name for all its worth, but a little bit of editorial discretion as to what your name is on, would be a nice touch. Much like John Carpenter, I too placed my hand out, only I didn’t get a pay check, I just got a headache.

1 out of 5 stars

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Kageoween: The Fog, 1980, review

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INTRODUCTION: So my television decided this year should be dedicated to John Carpenter movies. I assume it has to do with his soon to be released Peacock Halloween anthology series. Anyways, I seen a majority of this man’s movies, but never reviewed them, so I’m doing so for Kageoween. The Fog has to have had the weirdest of pitch meetings ever attached to it, because I don’t know who in the blue hell could of say straight faced through it, Which seems fitting to say about most of John’s movies. Lame concepts turned into iconic movies. So what are my thoughts? Read on!

PLOT: The Fog is rolling in. People are trapped on this island or something, IDK! Ahhh! Scary/sarcasm

VISUALS: It was made in the 1980’s on what appears to be a $13 dollar budget. Not millions, but literally $13 dollars USD. Thankfully John had great people surrounding him and a knack for visual flair, which makes a movie that should look a lot no retro, seem like it still could of be released yesterday to capitalize on nostalgia with retro movies, instead of being limited to tacky styles due to actually being filmed in the decade that birthed those styles. Unlike Halloween, where bell bottom are seen, along with middle age men, running around in tweed jackets thinking those were excellent style choices. (Writers note, I tend to like tweed jackets.) The most dated thing in this movie is a shot of a captains cup, looking like a middle schooler’s first attempt at clay firing and shellacking. You know, the hard to wash cups that get filled with cracks from day one and still, for some reason, exist? While still not John at his best, visually, it definitely shows a director making better overall choices and about to hit his peak with style by the time he gets to The Thing.

ACTING: Mostly good, but Jamie Lee is at her worst acting ever and her character is basically worthless, making her dialogue to Tom Akins in the boat, the most meta dialogue ever, about how she is basically worthless.

CHARACTERS: Mostly good, albeit sparse character development. Compared to other movies of its time though, this is still pretty good.

FX: You get two FX styles in this. Ghouls and the fog. The only really bad FX shot is near the end as the fog, rolling over a crespecular bay, looks like it’s on par with the moon in Evil Dead, except instead of a box, it looks like the fog is moving sideways on top of the water, like those old kids toys, that pretended to be video games, but just featured a moving background with a plastic car on top of it. Except those toys were bigger eye sores.

DIALOGUE: Good. Nothing overwhelming cringe.

CONCLUSION: For a movie whose title misrepresents the entire premise is a pretty good movie. It even has some pretty intense and scary moments that got me, even. The scariest part, is the lack of Tom Atkins mustache. The story is mildly interesting and done very well, for what is really a “from beyond the grave” ghost movie. Albeit I’m not quite sure why it took the Ghost nearly a century to take revenge, but lack of plot details aside, it works, minus the weak resolution that leads to an awesome finale sequence that more than makes up for it. Still a great Halloween movie, that hold up, some 43 years later.

4 stars out of 5

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Kageoween: One Chip Challenge Video.

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Normally I won’t post videos. Not really my thing. I don’t absolutely hate it, though. It has its place, but for the stuff I do, I find it a major waste of time. No one needs a 25 min long, super edited video of a review. Although I enjoy some of those videos myself, I just don’t think the footage is worth it. It would be different if I was directing a movie, but overall I think it would be unnecessary to to videos. That said, I did mention in my review that I recorded video of me talking the #OneChipChallange in Sept, so I am posting it here as well. I also updated the review with the video, which is at the bottom. Enjoy!

Me eating the #OneChipChallange

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Kageoween: Clash Royale, app game.

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Quick view at gameplay. I won this one, thankfully to a crazy start.

INTRODUCTION: Normally this time of year I focus on Horror reviews, I mean it is Halloween time after all. While couple of those may be coming this month, I want to focus on this game as it has a Halloween theme this month so it fits right in.

GAME: Simple game. It’s like Infinity Wars, meets WWE Supercard with a bit of Magic:The Gathering sprinkled on. The concept is capture the flag like. First person to destroy all three castles or the major one wins. Seems super simple and in a small part it is, but it can be challenging and rewarding.

GRAPHICS: Remember Advanced Wars for the Nintendo Advanced? Yeah, these graphics were on point 22 years ago, but it suits the games cartoon like aesthetic.

PRICE POINT: Free to download but in app purchases. You can play without making a lot of purchases and this game does not seem like a pay to play. It balances everything out.

OVERALL: This game can be a time sap. My brother has been playing for over a year and I’ve been playing for three days, but it has its moments. I think it’s worth a gander.

4 out of 5 stars

Source:IMDB.com
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Paqui One Chip Challenge 2023

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INTRODUCTION: What’s to say that hasn’t already been said about this chip since 2016? Seven years, seven different challenges and more combinations of hot chili peppers torture devices than should be legal. So naturally, even though I despise trends and find these viral challenges stupid and not my thing. Still I enjoy spicy things and have heavily been doing so since I was a teenager. I’m 37 now, so that’s 20 years of stupidity. I’m what you call an “expert” here. So how was it?

PACKAGE: Way better than the old red one of yore. The marketing team has up their game and it shows. The package alone is worth paying $10 for.

INSIDE: You get a nicely packed chip and a pull out, plus a graphic warning you of the potential pain you are going to be in.

CHIP: Opening it smells of fruity blue berries and quite inviting. Do not let that fool you, because it isn’t innocent. Also mine was in one piece, so that’s good. Taste wasn’t as bad as people claimed. I think it tasted better than the Haunted Ghost Pepper chips. Still a little dry though.

HEAT: So you have probably seen all the horrible videos online of people screaming and running, dousing themselves in milk as if Kurt Angle just showed up to WWE Raw circa 2001. Well I didn’t think it was as hot as people claimed, that’s why I tried it. Well I was half right and half wrong. The problem isn’t so much the heat, rather in how it burns. Normally a burn from a pepper is on the tounge. The lips feel a burning as well. The reaper is an exception as it hits the throat. This though wasn’t burning my tounge, it was a muted burn. It hit mostly my vocal chords and cheeks, something that doesn’t normally happen. Also a rarity was feeling it inside my ears. Peppers usually cause myself to cough a lot. Here I coughed very little. I also do not tend to tear up in the eyes and yet here I did. My nose will run more with peppers or sauce, with this, I had very little. I recorded this, but it was hard to speak with my vocals aflame. So overall it was kinda hot but weird. I swear it was made just to induce a sense of pepper burn as opposed to a real pepper. I had their Haunted Ghost Pepper chips and those are more conductive to what one would expect from a real pepper and not this. Overall all though, even with my very high tolerance, I would not recommend it to most people that are not experienced with peppers.

Burn Time: You’ll find a fold out within that gives you the time and a title. Hold off up till and hour and you’re an apex predator. The problem is though, it last only about five minutes at max before it is over. Leaving even the biggest chili heads looking like bitches because you had a drink long after it subsided and now they know you will buy another just to man up. Excellent marketing but very transparent.

One chip to destroy them all-Tolkien, maybe

PROBLEMS: With peppers I get some stomach cramps. Nothing too crazy. Super hots give me a nice, warm internally. Similar to chili on a cold winters day. That was true of this, until I ate a couple Cheetos a few hours later, causing a sharp pain in my stomach. This type of pain only if I over eat, say like Thanksgiving dinner and that can be taken care of with a couple tums and Tylenol. Although alcohol will allow me to eat more and experience no pain, but would not recommend with this. If I had avoided the Cheetos, I probably would of been fine all night. It says to eat something for pain or drink dairy. I don’t recommend eating after this.

OVERALL: It wasn’t that bad until I had the Cheetos. Then I was like, well, I regret this. I bought two and might eat the second for Halloween. It was fun, but I have spent $10 bucks on better. Would I do this annually? No! I could just buy reapers and eat those and be happier cause I can make my own hot sauces or sprinkle it in what food I want with a better experience. I’m glad I tried it though and give it 3.5 out of 5.

Video of me taking the challenge.