Writing

Basic Internet Bitches and You

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So the world full of idiots. Everyone but the idiots themselves know it. However, you occasionally come across an idiotic moron so dull that it perplexes even you. So numbnuts wanted to throw down in May of last year. So the dullard starts e-dicking. He’s a Mensa guy. Cool! I remember when I hung out with embittered bitches too. It was called my school years. So he got in with less IQ points than I have had since birth. I started to humble him with the whole having fucked a woman with 4k followers and the whole getting solicited by a woman with 40k or so followers and a couple other similar stories. He wanted me to go see him and redo our whole internet “sparing” with his “fans”. Well we’re almost in July and he never made good. Like we didn’t figure this out then. However, since he was a waste of flesh and oxygen, I’m burying him here for my own pleasure, because I don’t live to please, I live to piss all the basic bitch millennials off.

“Legit” musician uses cheap looking bass to impress absolutely no one.
Writing

In Honor of Jaws 50: An excerpt of a screenplay from a teenage version of myself

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So I’ve been writing since I was young. I’ve done every major style I could produce and spent unteen million hours honing myself. Writing seems to run in my family. So my first screen, vs back in the 90s when I worked out a couple pages here and there for learning purposes, came about when I was 22. However, I was working out ideas in 2004 as well, long before YouTube even existed. My brother and I decided we would try to co-write a screenplay together, individually working on different scenes by ourselves and then I would type up our stuff into a word 1995 document. Remember, this is right before YouTube and we didn’t have any real reason to do this outside of wanting to challenge ourselves. So the premise? Parody Jaws. The take away? Writing screenplays by yourself is so much easier of a task. I don’t understand why Hollywood has to have 15 bajillion writers for one movie. However, it was a fun experience. So for the 50th anniversary of Jaws, here is a small example of what I was trying 20 years ago.

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EXT. Emity docks- DAY

A crowd starts to gather excitedly. Roy walks over to a fisherman.

(Roy)

What’s all the commotion?

(Fisherman)

We caught the sharks

(Roy)

Sharks? As in more than one?

(Fisherman)

Yeah, i caught one, Ben caught one. So on and so forth.

(Roy)

Well congrats.

Roy and the fisherman shake hands as a photographer takes a picture.

(Hooper)

Roy, that’s not the shark.

(Fisherman)

What do you mean that’s not the shark. Look at the thing, it’s vicious.

(Hooper)

Its bite radius is too small for one.

(Fisherman)

Yeah, and?

(Hooper)

And it’s a dolphin.

(Fisherman)

A WHAAAT?

Above: How it could have looked if AI had existed in 2007. – couple years after we wrote it. Fisherman wasn’t supposed to look like Robert Shaw though.

Fun fact. The original shark we had in mind was a giant dildo that we put a WW2 dive bomber face on.

Also a fun fact, the original unwritten ending was going to be the Trex from Jurassic Park randomly eating the shark, making fun of Jurassic Parks deus ex machina ending.

Very glad my late teenage version of myself never got the chance to make this. Not quite cringe, but goddamn!

No doubt Jaws is a Great movie and possibly the only near perfect movie to ever get made. Hope to see it turn 60, too. Here’s to swimin with Bo legged woman. 🍻

🤘

Writing

Popeye:The Revenge Movie Review

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INTRODUCTION: So when Winnie the Pooh became public domain, some Indy producers decided to get cute and turn it into a horror movie. It worked, albeit it was a poor movie. However, it started a trend that didn’t need to happen. Now we have the famous sailor hero killing people. Groan!

PLOT: Jason Vorhees returns again…wait, I mean popeye.

CHARACTERS: Sparse as fuck.

ACTING: Almost 1980s bad, which to be honest is actually the best part of this cringe fest, because Hollywood has been so sterilized with acting that finding a horrible performance is actually a nice change of pace. Look, it’s rare for me to dogg on someone for their looks, normally you got to be a real asshole for me to do that, but these actresses aren’t even ready to be on public access, never mind a movie. The point of casting pretty people is because they make good propaganda. Why? Think of a murder. Grizzly and ugly. Think of something like a hamburger, juicy and beautiful. Beauty is tied to human psychology with aesthetics and seems to always positively associate with good vs bad. So if you cast mid card actors with terrible development, it makes the movie even less effective. Well, at least one of them had nice tits, so there’s that, I guess.

STYLE: Low budget. It looks 2007 and that might as well be the 80s style wise now.

FX: Tom Savani called, he wants his retro fx back.

MUSIC: horribly mid as per the usual. You know the internet has plenty of musicians than can score well and much like Hollywood ignores the music industry in favor of horrible wanna be John Williams, we get garbage.

CONCLUSION: a movie no one needs, no one wants and managed to turn an icon into a knock off jason Vorhees. It’s no easy task to be this big of a fuck up, but boy did these assholes say “hold my beer.” Which I guess is ironically a success, because hey, here they are getting attention for it, which at the end of the day, most people are all about. Too bad this pitiful pos won’t recoup the most important part of doing this, the money.

2 out of 5 stars

Writing

“Scuse me while I kiss the sky“ a Jimi Hendrix Biography by David Henderson

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INTRODUCTION: So I’m not a fan of the biography genre. I’ve read very few of them. Probably about 10 in my 39 years on this planet. Most people don’t intrigue me enough to want to know about their background. Normally it’s trite experience anyways, regardless of skin color. It’s normally birth, shit happens, some people you meet are good, some are bad, other adversaries apply, maybe a lover or two and then the person is famous or dead, one of the two. I went wanting to know more of the psychology of Jimi Hendrix, since I’m learning his music, it only makes sense to get deeper into a man, whose music I’ve heard my whole life, but never thought to learn more about. So this is my first real biography review. Not really sure how to do one, but we will try.

WRITING STYLE: Fair. From my understanding the author isn’t a non fiction writer, he was a creative writer and did this as a favor to Jimi. However, I’m reading the kindle version and the slightly wonky style could be from a bad transfer. It’s not unreadable though. There is a small bias on the authors part, as they were friends. So keep that in mind as well.

lIFESTYLE: So this biography is different than no others, as it’s basic structure as above. To be fair, Jimmy was so unique that the basic structure works here. That’s not what I’m here for though. There’s going to moments you sympathize with him and the occasional WTF moments. If you like that, this is for you.

HISTORY:This book was written in 1978, and it shows. However, the author takes great detail in explaining to you the events of the era, so people like myself get an idea of the world around him. Not necessarily a unique trope for such, but necessary for future generations who will need this context to understand Jimmy or anyone really.

MUSIC: Now this is what I’m here for! Oh god did Jimmy and his family have amazing taste in music. Songs and people I’ve never heard of. Bad bad Wiskey, live, being my favorite of all the songs I’ve listened too.

Amazing!

CONCLUSION: if you’re coming here for something salacious, you’re going to be disappointed. Sure it has its moments of “very 60s” bullshit, however it’s a very conservative portrayal of such. If you’re interested in a man and how he developed his style, you won’t be disappointed. It also offers up and otherwise interesting perspective on Jimi’s death that should not be discounted as being accurate. That’s an article for a different time, though.

5 out of 5 for Jimi fans and 4 out of 5 for a person who may just want a biography of an otherwise, interesting person.

Writing

Why Father’s and Mother’s Day need to be Abolished.

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These two “holidays” should be abolished from history books because they narcissistic as fuck and falls under the category of Valentine’s Day, aka all commercials day, a day when candy and card places get together to make you buy unnecessary crap, because you were too self absorbed the rest of the year to appreciate your lover.

There’s nothing wrong with loving your parents or even appreciating them, however, just because you forgot to pull out isn’t a good enough excuse to party. Nor should your kids be forced to worship you. If you’re a good parent, you kids will, at minimum, mostly appreciate you during the year.

Can kids be moderately ungrateful? Sure! I know there were times I might not had been the most grateful, but that doesn’t make the kid bad. Any level of appreciation for what you do for them is better than none, but it still doesn’t deserve a day to itself.

If the day was for the government to appreciate the family unit, you would not have woman fighting for paternity leave and you would make it a bank holiday and make allowance for it, whilst giving people the day off. We do it for Veterans Day and for Memorial Day and isn’t family equally as important?

Speaking of which, ever notice it’s called paternity? It comes from the Latin, pater, or father. It’s all about us men, which is interesting, because some people consider kids a legacy, and well, wouldn’t a woman potentially desire that too? I doubt they wanted to be over glorified incubators for nine months out of the sheer pleasure. Although, I’m sure they enjoyed the nine months of judgement free eating that comes with it. Much like weddings are all about the woman, because it’s called holy matrimony. Which, as you guessed, comes from the Latin “mater” or mother. Because historically, within our nation, it was socially acceptable to parade your future gendered slave in front of each other’s families before you chained them to the house to basically be an over glorified surrogate mother for the boomer man-child.

Instead of caring about just the mother or father’s, I think we should consider combining them into family day. It’s like Thanksgiving, but without the historical bugaboo of slaughtering an entire race of people, like the fuckin Nazi’s, to celebrate it.

I know some of you will say “What about people who are family displaced?” To those unfortunate few, appreciate your friendships more, because that’s your family.

Happy Families Day!

-Kage

Writing

Top 5 songs that would have been better for Heavy Metal.

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5.) Heart, Barracuda

A riff that goes heavy. Iron Maiden were probably the ones that popularized the metal gallop in guitar, however, Heart used it, in this 70s hit, combining that with high strings, you got something iconic. Apparently it’s based around a Nazareth song. There is slightly a bit of truth that they sound the same, but legally they’re vastly different. This one definitely gets the nod for giving you a dank riff to satisfy that metal craving.

4.) Neil Young, Hey Hey, My My

Moody, atmospheric and dark, this song is a key change away, or a distortion pedal away, from being one hell of a metal song.

3.) One more time, Brittney Spears

Ok hear me out before you scoff. New Found Glory already showed this song could fit into the rock category, but could you imagine the chugging with distortion on the opening beat? It would have made nu-metal dudes creaming their pants.

2.) Taylor Swift-Look what you made me do

Leap Frog Studios already proven this song could go hard as fuck! That how I even found out this song existed. The dark lyrics with straight up gansta vibes, would be having people starting mosh pits in the streets. definitely should have been in the genre from the start.

1.) Coolio Gangsta’s Paradise

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this song was never rap and always in line with the metal genre. Gritty realism, deaths, loss and more and you got a song that sounds like it could have been part of the Melodic Swedish death metal music. plenty of YouTube guitarist have proven this correctly.