Tag Archives: Horror

Writing

Thanksgiving by Eli Roth

Leave a comment

INTRODUCTION: So about 14 years ago, a movie came out called Grindhouse. It was making fun of 70s/80s exploitation films of the past. Not a bad couple of flicks in Tarantino later, but far from his best. The best part of the whole double feature billing was the faux trailers during it. Thanksgiving was one of those trailers that really stood out besides the Rob Zombie one and the other from Shaun of the Dead director Edgar Wright. So, all these years later and this movie is a trailer no more. What to make of it?

PLOT: Thanksgiving is upon Plymouth Massachusetts and there is a killer on the lose. Oh noes!!!!!

CHARACTERS: Not bad, but a tad bit more development would have been nice.

ACTING: Very strong given the source material was a joke, throw away thing.

DIALOGUE: Excellent

STYLE: Excellent

FX: Very good

SUBTEXT: Zero

CONCLUSION: I normally hate everything Eli Roth has ever done. Hostel sucked, Cabin Fever sucked, everything but this trailer sucked. Incidentally, this movie, trite in certain ways though it may be, really worked. A few jump scares got me and Eli finally struck a nice balance between gore/fx and nuance. There only a couple small flaws, but otherwise this is a horror movie and I would love a sequel.

3.8 out of 5

Writing

The Meg/The Meg 2

Leave a comment

INTRODUCTION: So I never see these films until today, during a fuckin heatwave and to be honest, I’m pretty sure the hundred degree heat was better than either of these fuckin flicks.

PLOT: The 1970s delivered a movie so awesome, called Jaws and it took nearly 50 years for someone to want to make a completely different shark movie and make a sequel to it.

CHARACTERS: Not developed well. This was just a reason to cast Jason Stratham as a badaas for like the millionth time. Like we need another Jason lead action flick? Well, we did, but not this one.

ACTING: Acadmy award winning! How these mutha fuckers made it through this movie straight faced is beyond me. Someone pay these muthas scale+20 million, please.

DIALOGUE: it ain’t cringe, but it ain’t anything likeable either.

FX: Worsa den de Jar jar Binks! Is that fuckin shark even go scale? It looks worse than Jaws! Seriously, fuck this series.

CONCLUSION: I have no clue what the fuck was going on in either of these movies. Why they needed to happen or why they felt a need to sequelize it. All I know is that I’m glad I waited to watch them and didn’t see them when they were new.

Writing

Kagemas, Violent Night, a review

Leave a comment

INTRODUCTION: So I love weird, especially something like this. Naturally, when I saw the trailer, I knew at some point I was going to watch and review this. I had a friend when I was younger and this is the type of shit we lived for, creating zany comics of stick figure men. A killer Santa would of had us both in theaters that very day. So I’m excited to have finally watch it.

PLOT: Santa found himself in the wrong house one Christmas Eve and becomes a reluctant hero.

CHARACTERS: Not very well developed, but who cares, Santa is killing mercs. Need I say more?

ACTING: Some really good performances, especially Beverly D’Angelo playing a bitch very well. John leguizamo is playing his best villain/gangster yet. The worse acting comes from Alex Hassell, whom emotes like a robot.

STYLE: Very beautiful. Nice use of color, crystal clear and clean.

DIALOGUE: Nothing cringe. Believable.

MUSIC: Forgettable.

CONCLUSION: For a movie that is Tim Allen’s Santa Clause mixed wit Die Hard, this really should not work. Plenty of fucked up Santa movies have been made. The 80s had Silent Night, Deadly Night, a Tales from the Crypt Episode and a movie called Christmas Evil, which I reviewed in 2019. The 90s didn’t have much in terms of bad Santa’s, other then Robo Santa from Futurama, but the 00’s did, with, you guessed it, Bad Santa. So a movie like this is relatively novel and it totally hits, even if it should not. I look forward to a sequel here.

3.5/5

Writing

Would You Survive a Horror Movie?

Leave a comment

So a meme floating around showing John Cena vs Jason Vorhees, ala Freddy Vs Jason, but minus the cool back then, horribly retro now, El Niño song.

So It got me to thinking, who wins? Well, unlike Freddy and Jason that have non niche, well, as non niche as horror can be, fanbases; John only has WWE to make him a non jobber. Sans this being a WWE presents, just being a walking invisible joke isn’t enough, spoiler alert, it wasn’t for Freddy either. This movie came down to Friday the 13th fanboys making Jason “win” because he was a sympathetic serial killer/mass murder. That’s the part on which this essay hinges. Would you survive a horror movie would be as simple as do you like Freddy or Jason?

I personally am a Freddy guy. Yeah he killed kids and the remake made him a child molester, but he’s a formidable foe. You may not like his background, but objectively, he has powers. Jason biggest power is necromancy bringing him back from the dead. Freddy basically can never die, he is no longer mortal or even reanimated biological matter. So if you pick Freddy, you’re objective and got a good head on your shoulders, you’re probably going to survive the movie.

If you pick Jason, based on sympathy, you’re easily swayed by emotion, not very logical and you’re probably going to die in a horror movie because you fell for the classic blunder of many a real killers victims did, which is they hooked you with a false story to get your guard down and you fell for it, now you dead. I’m not sure how much merit this would truly hold in the real world, but 20 years after the movie came out, it is still an interesting question, who wins, Freddy or Jason?

Writing

Kageoween: Five Nights At Freddy’s Movie Review.

Leave a comment

INTRODUCTION: So I’ve never played the video games. I know very little about this series. My brother has played them and my sister played at least one, so that’s the extent of my knowledge of Five Nights At Freddy’s.I think that makes me the perfect guy to review this movie, since I have no vested interest in this franchise. So how was it?

PLOT: a security guard loses his mall job, to be hired to watch over a wish.com Chuckie Cheeses’, where there is more than just repurposed pizza to worry about.

CHARACTERS: Not bad. They took some care to develop the characters. I can’t say you care by the end, but you could be open to more of them in a sequel.

ACTING: Very good. No one is winning awards here, but they are all solid.

DIALOGUE: Good, nothing cringe

VISUALS: Excellent

FX: Very good.

MUSIC: Catchy, but not very memorable.

CONCLUSION: This movie does tension in a retro way and does it very well. Too bad the tension builds towards nothing of value in terms of scares. It’s hard to figure out the tone of the movie, given some times it’s comical, which I’m sure is unintentional, given the scene that produced it. Other times it seems like a family drama. It kinda lacks an identity and kinda success at both, whilst failing miserably. It’s not horrible, but it leaves more questions than answers. The big bad reveal fizzles like a scooby do ending. They don’t even really set up a sequel. Maybe I’m just to fuckin stupid to get what they are trying to achieve. The biggest takeaway was a couple of random Saw references. Maybe a sequel would do it justice.

2.5/5

Writing

Kageoween: The Thing, 1982, movie review.

Leave a comment

INTRODUCTION: As I stated in my previous review, 2023 seems to be the year of John Carpenter. Sadly, the same could not be said, 41 years earlier, when Mr. Carpenter released The Thing to cinemas. So how good is this movie?

PLOT: A group of scientists fight a Ailen. No, you’re it wrong, that is the plot to Ailen (1979) as well.

CHARACTERS: Not bad. I mean, the star studded cast makes up for weak character development. These dudes are basically hibernating alcoholics, that already seem depressed as fuck, making the “threat” seem like a mercy killing. A tad bit more, upbeat characters and some banter between them, that suggests they’re at least friendly would of been nice. Not in this film though.

ACTING: Excellent! They all do a great job here. Granted it isn’t award winning, but given the material they have to work with, the fact they did their job seriously and not typical b movie, phone it in, is excellent.

STYLE: John Carpenter at his best. The visuals are stunning and a nice tidbit, the blue lights, which unbeknownst to scientists back then, for preventing suicidal tendencies, adds an accidental layer of depth to these men’s plights and isolation they’ve going through, making this choice very ahead of the curve.

DIALOGUE: Good

PACING: Typical slow moving pacing, which is nice, but doesn’t give us enough to make use of it, as it tries to be face paced with the sequences we’re seeing, making it awkward as to if it’s supposed to be an action or a horror movie that adds tension.

FX: Excellent, especially given how old the movie is. They hold up exceptionally well. Minus the early moments of the movie showing the space craft.

CONCLUSION: This movie bombed at the box office and is one of John’s biggest laments. It’s not a bad movie though, I think it suffers due to coming too soon on the heels of Ailen. It’s basically the same movie, but starring Kurt Russell. It some ways, that makes it better, in other ways it suffers for it. Had this movie been made in the 90s, 20 years after Ailen, I think it would of been a smash hit, especially post Ailen Reserection, given that movie sucked by most people standards, except me, who liked it. Sadly for John, it came 3 years after the 70s classic and didn’t add much new to the genre. This movie could beat be summarized as Evil Dead /Ailen hybrid, so much in fact, that I’m shocked they never showed the necronimicon. Despite its flaws, like needing more details about the Ailen and its purpose for possession of humans and it’s weak ending, it is still a very good movie and one I prefer over Ailen.

3.5 out of 5