So I’ve been writing since I was young. I’ve done every major style I could produce and spent unteen million hours honing myself. Writing seems to run in my family. So my first screen, vs back in the 90s when I worked out a couple pages here and there for learning purposes, came about when I was 22. However, I was working out ideas in 2004 as well, long before YouTube even existed. My brother and I decided we would try to co-write a screenplay together, individually working on different scenes by ourselves and then I would type up our stuff into a word 1995 document. Remember, this is right before YouTube and we didn’t have any real reason to do this outside of wanting to challenge ourselves. So the premise? Parody Jaws. The take away? Writing screenplays by yourself is so much easier of a task. I don’t understand why Hollywood has to have 15 bajillion writers for one movie. However, it was a fun experience. So for the 50th anniversary of Jaws, here is a small example of what I was trying 20 years ago.
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EXT. Emity docks- DAY
A crowd starts to gather excitedly. Roy walks over to a fisherman.
(Roy)
What’s all the commotion?
(Fisherman)
We caught the sharks
(Roy)
Sharks? As in more than one?
(Fisherman)
Yeah, i caught one, Ben caught one. So on and so forth.
(Roy)
Well congrats.
Roy and the fisherman shake hands as a photographer takes a picture.
(Hooper)
Roy, that’s not the shark.
(Fisherman)
What do you mean that’s not the shark. Look at the thing, it’s vicious.
(Hooper)
Its bite radius is too small for one.
(Fisherman)
Yeah, and?
(Hooper)
And it’s a dolphin.
(Fisherman)
A WHAAAT?
Above: How it could have looked if AI had existed in 2007. – couple years after we wrote it. Fisherman wasn’t supposed to look like Robert Shaw though.
Fun fact. The original shark we had in mind was a giant dildo that we put a WW2 dive bomber face on.
Also a fun fact, the original unwritten ending was going to be the Trex from Jurassic Park randomly eating the shark, making fun of Jurassic Parks deus ex machina ending.
Very glad my late teenage version of myself never got the chance to make this. Not quite cringe, but goddamn!
No doubt Jaws is a Great movie and possibly the only near perfect movie to ever get made. Hope to see it turn 60, too. Here’s to swimin with Bo legged woman. 🍻
INTRODUCTION: So when Winnie the Pooh became public domain, some Indy producers decided to get cute and turn it into a horror movie. It worked, albeit it was a poor movie. However, it started a trend that didn’t need to happen. Now we have the famous sailor hero killing people. Groan!
PLOT: Jason Vorhees returns again…wait, I mean popeye.
CHARACTERS: Sparse as fuck.
ACTING: Almost 1980s bad, which to be honest is actually the best part of this cringe fest, because Hollywood has been so sterilized with acting that finding a horrible performance is actually a nice change of pace. Look, it’s rare for me to dogg on someone for their looks, normally you got to be a real asshole for me to do that, but these actresses aren’t even ready to be on public access, never mind a movie. The point of casting pretty people is because they make good propaganda. Why? Think of a murder. Grizzly and ugly. Think of something like a hamburger, juicy and beautiful. Beauty is tied to human psychology with aesthetics and seems to always positively associate with good vs bad. So if you cast mid card actors with terrible development, it makes the movie even less effective. Well, at least one of them had nice tits, so there’s that, I guess.
STYLE: Low budget. It looks 2007 and that might as well be the 80s style wise now.
FX: Tom Savani called, he wants his retro fx back.
MUSIC: horribly mid as per the usual. You know the internet has plenty of musicians than can score well and much like Hollywood ignores the music industry in favor of horrible wanna be John Williams, we get garbage.
CONCLUSION: a movie no one needs, no one wants and managed to turn an icon into a knock off jason Vorhees. It’s no easy task to be this big of a fuck up, but boy did these assholes say “hold my beer.” Which I guess is ironically a success, because hey, here they are getting attention for it, which at the end of the day, most people are all about. Too bad this pitiful pos won’t recoup the most important part of doing this, the money.
INTRODUCTION: So I’m not a fan of the biography genre. I’ve read very few of them. Probably about 10 in my 39 years on this planet. Most people don’t intrigue me enough to want to know about their background. Normally it’s trite experience anyways, regardless of skin color. It’s normally birth, shit happens, some people you meet are good, some are bad, other adversaries apply, maybe a lover or two and then the person is famous or dead, one of the two. I went wanting to know more of the psychology of Jimi Hendrix, since I’m learning his music, it only makes sense to get deeper into a man, whose music I’ve heard my whole life, but never thought to learn more about. So this is my first real biography review. Not really sure how to do one, but we will try.
WRITING STYLE: Fair. From my understanding the author isn’t a non fiction writer, he was a creative writer and did this as a favor to Jimi. However, I’m reading the kindle version and the slightly wonky style could be from a bad transfer. It’s not unreadable though. There is a small bias on the authors part, as they were friends. So keep that in mind as well.
lIFESTYLE: So this biography is different than no others, as it’s basic structure as above. To be fair, Jimmy was so unique that the basic structure works here. That’s not what I’m here for though. There’s going to moments you sympathize with him and the occasional WTF moments. If you like that, this is for you.
HISTORY:This book was written in 1978, and it shows. However, the author takes great detail in explaining to you the events of the era, so people like myself get an idea of the world around him. Not necessarily a unique trope for such, but necessary for future generations who will need this context to understand Jimmy or anyone really.
MUSIC: Now this is what I’m here for! Oh god did Jimmy and his family have amazing taste in music. Songs and people I’ve never heard of. Bad bad Wiskey, live, being my favorite of all the songs I’ve listened too.
Amazing!
CONCLUSION: if you’re coming here for something salacious, you’re going to be disappointed. Sure it has its moments of “very 60s” bullshit, however it’s a very conservative portrayal of such. If you’re interested in a man and how he developed his style, you won’t be disappointed. It also offers up and otherwise interesting perspective on Jimi’s death that should not be discounted as being accurate. That’s an article for a different time, though.
5 out of 5 for Jimi fans and 4 out of 5 for a person who may just want a biography of an otherwise, interesting person.
So you want to be a guitar guy,uh? Well, it’s a long way to the top of you want to rock and roll. Maybe you’re a bored teen and want to play heavy metal to vent your frustration, or maybe you’re middle age, have a great IRA and want to retire to become a hippie playing 60s folk songs, regardless of your reason for picking up a guitar, you made a great choice in expanding your horizons in musicality.
Remember, learning is always a positive and it’s never too late to start a musical journey. The rewards along the way are endless. From the joy of playing your first chord, to the joy of playing your first full song;the first time you’ve played a chord progression or note progression and felt the natural high of creating something more than yourself and that will give you the drive to continue.
You’ll meet some interesting people along the way as well. Some you meet may stay a while and others a short time, but it will hopefully help you grow as a musician as well.
This isn’t an entire guide to play guitar, but will it assist you in the beginning to become more than just a four chord, “baby baby baby” player. Unless you want to be Justin Beiber, nothing wrong with that. I’ll even help you,
A, D, E and G make up a backbone of a lot of music. Pick any one or more and you’ll be Bob Dylan in no time.
A Chord “rock version”
Place your index finger on all three, informally referred to as the rock star A or place you index (1) on the D string (third string down from the thickest string, AKA the “High E String”) middle finger (2) on G string and then your ring (3) on the B string. APEGIATE(pluck each string starting with just the string above the one your index, this is the A string. Once each note comes out clear, no muting, strum down. If that rings out clear, congratulations! You’ll have panties in your face in no time! *Claims of panty throwing, unsubstantiated*)
The E Shape
The E shape. This is going to play an important role when we look at barre chords. So your index goes where the single red highlight is. Then your middle and ring where the double red highlight is. Arpeggiate from the high string (thicc est one) down to the thinnest. All clear? Strum down on all strings. If that sounds clear, congratulations! You’re now two chords in. Justin Bieber will be running scared of your musical prowess and Zombie Elvis will come back from the dead to reclaim his throne.
By now, your hands are feeling the burn! Unlike the 27 club you can’t burn out now. You got two more chords to learn!
The G Chord
It sounds heavenly and makes chord progressions in these 4 more rounded. It’s a tad bit awkward but once you get it down, you’ll be good. I put the numbers above. Once you place them and arpeggiate them for clarity and then strum down. Everything sound clear? Congrats! That’s three chords? *Richard Simmons Voice* Don’t you just feel like a pop star when you three chord?
The D Chord, the one ya momma loves!
The D chord! It’s bigger than Justin Bebier. More hit songs use the D even more than the G chord. At least the internet tells me. See the string with the redl line and use the numbers for your fingers to depress them. Arpeggiate from the string just above the index to the final. All clear? Now strum. If that’s clear, than you completed our first level of lessons. Like the Real Men of Genius song, here’s to you Mr 4 chord pop star. For giving us all, a slew of trite hits. This is also a moveable cord. Go up one, you get the D7. Keep going down and you get a plethora of others.
What we learned!
A, D, G and E chord. ✅
Arpeggiation ✅
How to strum ✅
The notes of the strings (E-thicc est, A, second thicc est, D, third thicc est, G, first thinnest, B second thinnest and the last one, E again. Good to remember it as E ddie A te D ynamite G pod B ye E ddie! ) ✅
Any questions?
*Raise hand*
What if we don’t want to be Justin Bebier and just pick up girls at the local bar?
KAGE: learn those for chords, then see INDEX (future link when full version releases)
Psst…now that the pop star posers are gone, we can have a real chat. You’re not like the Beiber guys, wanting to pick up chicks. You love guitar and you want to learn more, but you want to your rhythm to have a pair of balls? Well, you might not be a rock star, but at least it’s more than jeans and a top hat to get people to notice you. Not that there’s anything thing wrong with jeans and top hats, they practically built the 1980s. So buckle up and hey hey, you’re gonna be a rock star!
Right now you’re going to be having more 5th’s than 90 % of 1970s-1980s rockstars. Don’t drink to victory yet! We need to be more precise in playing.
The E minor chord. Kinda like a 5th.
So a 5th is any two notes you depress like the above. You can move this shape pretty much everywhere and it sounds powerful. When you strum, only hit the two strings that you depressed the notes on. Although not the full gambit of power chords, this will surely allow you to cut the line to clubs you never get in and maybe, maybe, even that person at the bar that everyone knows, will compliment you. That’s almost a celebrity!!!!! A 5th of a celebrity, if you will. (KAGE NOTE: This is why I didn’t excel in comedy. Also the fact I hate entertaining people, but, yet, I still like to be clever. 🤔)
The reason I point out the E minor, is two fold. 1st, phrasing is everything and telling you how to put your hands on minors will probably red flag you. The second is they don’t sound great on electric guitar and that’s why you’re here, to be a Jukebox Hero, with stars in their eyes…hopefully they’re stars, otherwise I might recommend a doctor.
If you made it this far you have learned
The A, D, G, E chords. ✅
You have learned to Arpeggiate ✅
You have learned to strum ✅
You have learned 5ths ✅
You have learned playing guitar hurts your fingers ✅
You have learned patience, my young padawan ✅
But most importantly, you learned the most 1980s hero movie lesson of all time, to believe in yourself and never give up til the freeze frame. ✅
In the end, they’ll see you how they want to see you. A pop poser, a punk leader, a rockstar or a pesudeo celebrity-Sincerely, The 5th players Club
Only shit, you’re still here? Woha! Here I taught you enough to have parties and sex with practically nobody worthwhile, but you want to learn more? You rebel you! That obviously because you’re unpretentious. You must be some, well, punk. Your music is going to end aprtihid. Save the whales and even make Micheal Jackson hold hands with random celebrities without gloves. damn!
So here is your sobering lesson. It’s the F chord and no, I won’t teach you the hacks. You’re already proved momma didn’t raise no quitters. Get your index finger ready, cause it’s going to be used more than a lesbians.
The E chord, again. This time, you need to visualize your finger as the white part on the neck (aka, the nut, oh no, you know a dirty word and If You Know, You know!)
So essentially the chord is the E shape, down one fret to put us away from the nut. place your index near the fret. Find what’s most comfortable to you. Your finger is acting as a sorta capo/nut thing. You’re really going to feel this one, but no pain, no gain. Other basic barre chords follow similar shapes to the open chords. just get the index part down now, it’s the most necessary part of these chords.
Arpeggiate and check that each one rings out clear. Unless your like me, where one is almost always muted and gives it a percussion like sound, you show them strum from
If you find yourself getting the percussion fx, try laying down with the guitar. I’ve gotten perfect bar chords by doing this. Then try to adapt it to sitting up and then finally standing.
Once it’s clear playing consistently, move up a fret and get it perfect again until you run out of frets to move up. Hint, that’s fret 12, unless you want really cramped fingers.
And unlike Bieber fanboy, still playing What’s on OnlyTabs….er, UltimateGuitar, you can try this list of songs
Cult of personality -In Living Color
Strawberry Fields Forever-The Beatles
Smells like Teen Spirit-Nirvana
Shenna is a punk rocker by the Ramones
As a few examples.
So here’s what you learned.
A, D. G, E chord ✅
5th chords ✅
If you’re just a pretentious dick or a real guitarist ✅
Indexing technique, plus using open chord shapes with it to make new chords. ✅
Dealing with an insufferable sarcastic bastard like myself. ✔️ ☑️ ✅
Congrats! thank God, that much like YouTube, guitar playing has no real formal authority like real organizations that give credentials to relevant people. Closest we got is a music theory degree, but that has less to do with an instrument. So you’re getting what you pay for.
However, since you have stuck with it this far, you are now a guitarist. Sticking with it or any instrument is what matters. Here’s to show the world you officially made it, ma.
Mama always said life is like a Xbox achievement, you never know what you’re gonna unlock.-Forrest Gump, maybe.
Now some unsourced, internet words of encouragement that may or may not have actually been said by the musician.
“Some days playing guitar is going to suck, but if you stick with it, you’ll be rewarded”-Jimi Hendrix
And now that you made it this far and are officially a guitarist, I guess ima have to teach you what Biber boy forgot, which is, tuning. Ugh! Probably should’ve put this in the beginning. Besides, some ass clown out there is saying “but Jimi Hendrix didn’t tune!” He did, in fact, tune, and made a rousing joke of having Clapton doing it for him too. That said, you’re not Jimi Hendrix and neither am I!
These things are called tuners. Sometimes three to a side or all going up at an angle.
So we need to 1. Buy a tuner from a place like Sweetwater, Guitar center or Amazon, which would the recommended way to tune or 2. Go to the App Store and find the fender or another free version you are comfortable with.
There is a 3rd way, until you develop the ear for it (note, been playing since I was 12 and I’m 39 now and still not great at ear tuning.) use a piano, find the notes and tune the pitch to the piano. This will help develop your ear.
And now, here’s what you won! A free link to Google looking for videos on how to restring!!! Harley Quinn Voice: Woha! Ain’t you the lucky one, eh?
Psst, go to Google and type it in like the picture. Stay away from those other types of sites though.
Now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk the last piece of the learning puzzle. Pedals! They used to be expensive and now they’re affordable. So affordable in fact, that I’m contemplating quitting the cigs just to get more, especially if certain people aren’t mad though.
It’s not necessarily to use them, but they are kinda like stimulants. They can enhance the mood of your guitar playing if you will. However, you don’t need to buy them to get good at guitar. Just play ”from your fuckin heart“-Bill Hicks
Thanks for coming to my Kage talk. Hopefully you learned something. If not, well 🖕you too!
These two “holidays” should be abolished from history books because they narcissistic as fuck and falls under the category of Valentine’s Day, aka all commercials day, a day when candy and card places get together to make you buy unnecessary crap, because you were too self absorbed the rest of the year to appreciate your lover.
There’s nothing wrong with loving your parents or even appreciating them, however, just because you forgot to pull out isn’t a good enough excuse to party. Nor should your kids be forced to worship you. If you’re a good parent, you kids will, at minimum, mostly appreciate you during the year.
Can kids be moderately ungrateful? Sure! I know there were times I might not had been the most grateful, but that doesn’t make the kid bad. Any level of appreciation for what you do for them is better than none, but it still doesn’t deserve a day to itself.
If the day was for the government to appreciate the family unit, you would not have woman fighting for paternity leave and you would make it a bank holiday and make allowance for it, whilst giving people the day off. We do it for Veterans Day and for Memorial Day and isn’t family equally as important?
Speaking of which, ever notice it’s called paternity? It comes from the Latin, pater, or father. It’s all about us men, which is interesting, because some people consider kids a legacy, and well, wouldn’t a woman potentially desire that too? I doubt they wanted to be over glorified incubators for nine months out of the sheer pleasure. Although, I’m sure they enjoyed the nine months of judgement free eating that comes with it. Much like weddings are all about the woman, because it’s called holy matrimony. Which, as you guessed, comes from the Latin “mater” or mother. Because historically, within our nation, it was socially acceptable to parade your future gendered slave in front of each other’s families before you chained them to the house to basically be an over glorified surrogate mother for the boomer man-child.
Instead of caring about just the mother or father’s, I think we should consider combining them into family day. It’s like Thanksgiving, but without the historical bugaboo of slaughtering an entire race of people, like the fuckin Nazi’s, to celebrate it.
I know some of you will say “What about people who are family displaced?” To those unfortunate few, appreciate your friendships more, because that’s your family.
A riff that goes heavy. Iron Maiden were probably the ones that popularized the metal gallop in guitar, however, Heart used it, in this 70s hit, combining that with high strings, you got something iconic. Apparently it’s based around a Nazareth song. There is slightly a bit of truth that they sound the same, but legally they’re vastly different. This one definitely gets the nod for giving you a dank riff to satisfy that metal craving.
4.) Neil Young, Hey Hey, My My
Moody, atmospheric and dark, this song is a key change away, or a distortion pedal away, from being one hell of a metal song.
3.) One more time, Brittney Spears
Ok hear me out before you scoff. New Found Glory already showed this song could fit into the rock category, but could you imagine the chugging with distortion on the opening beat? It would have made nu-metal dudes creaming their pants.
2.) Taylor Swift-Look what you made me do
Leap Frog Studios already proven this song could go hard as fuck! That how I even found out this song existed. The dark lyrics with straight up gansta vibes, would be having people starting mosh pits in the streets. definitely should have been in the genre from the start.
1.) Coolio Gangsta’s Paradise
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this song was never rap and always in line with the metal genre. Gritty realism, deaths, loss and more and you got a song that sounds like it could have been part of the Melodic Swedish death metal music. plenty of YouTube guitarist have proven this correctly.
Best in Your Girl 