http://bestinyourgirl.podomatic.com/swf/joe_multiplayer_v112.swf

Transcript 1.0
—————-

     Hello and welcome to my very first podcast, the first ever best in your girl podcast. You come for the Kage and stay for the awesome and let’s be honest, who doesn’t come for Kage?

     You’re not getting a catchy hook, meant to lure you into the show, at least not yet. In other words, music wasn’t needed to get you to give this format a chance and I’m pleased to have you listening. In the future, we might need to add something catchy to listen to, but for now, we are music non grata.

     So let me get right into the podcast and that is about one thing, an extremely interesting night I had back in May of this year.

     Yes kids, we’re going back to the past for something that I think, was really hilarious. Hell, if you don’t think this is funny, you might not have a pulse, because it is without a doubt the worst sexual encounter in the history of sexual encounters and then I want to make mention to another topic, which I think you’ll be interesting. If you recall, I wrote an essay called the cult of personality and this is an extrapolation to those thoughts, so without future ado, here…we…go!

     One night, I was alerted to a message on a website, Plenty of Fish. It’s a dating website and like most dating websites, it’s not very good and doesn’t have a lot of option. It’s free, for the most part, so we get what we pay for. I didn’t message her first, she messaged me. Great start to a mediocre night.

     I replied and we got the ball rolling. Now, what was said was mundane and uninteresting, but it is irrelevant to the story.

     The point was reading between the lines and boy did I. She was very interested in sex. She didn’t say that, exactly, but I tend to read between the lines because fuck me, I’m arrogant like that.

     Yes, this arrogant son of a bitch is read between the lines, because that’s what you do when you want to enjoy the end means, which is sex.

     Now, I play back and forth, maybe, nah, fine I guess I can come over. So I make a short trek to the other side of town and find her waiting upon her porch.

     I ascend the stairs to the third floor and greet her. She seems optimistic enough and we “enjoy” some alright conversation.

     Meanwhile, inside, I’m awaiting for a family member of hers to leave for the night and so see her boyfriend, presumably to do the same exact thing that I was hoping to do, which is sexy times.

     Now, once we’re inside, finally, I’m still waiting for this young woman to leave and give us our space. It was about midnight when I left and three a.m. by the time I got space. So, naturally, I’m tired and not in the mood to be sauve so I say fuck it, and just blurt out, want to fuck?
Yes, she does. Great, let us adjourn to the bedroom so as to better express our carnality and enjoy the debauchery. I don’t say this, because I want the sex and sex isn’t literature, so fuck it, we’re doing it live!

     kissing is awkward. I mean, George Takei in Star Trek, kissing the beautiful Nichelle Nichols. (Quick digression, why does Microsoft word say I misspelled Nichelle Nichols’ name wrong when it’s right, but knows I misspelled George Takei’s last name wrong?)

     I get her on the bed, pants off and have a go orally. A few minutes of this and that. I ask her if she want to suck my dick and in her best John Waters impersonation “yeeeesssss.” I like her enthusiasm. Good god, is this the worst head imaginable. My dick isn’t a carrot, please do not scrape it with teeth. I’ve had so much better. So then I’m like, let’s just skip to fucking and so we do. This sex sucked so bad, you would have sworn we were virgins. We had the sexual chemistry of a dial up connection.

      I plunged into her with my engorged phallus and proceed to promptly ask the question no man wants to hear a woman ask, and is even worse when he has to ask it himself, am I in yet? Yes, I had to ask that. The plus side, at least I got her to try anal and she never would, so hey, go it wasn’t all bad for me. Who am I fucking kidding, yes, yes it was.At one point, I had to say fuck it and have her on top. She does her thing for a few seconds and next thing I know, she’s off of me. Having the worse night of my life, I become a fuckin’ cliché and ask, did you? Big smile, yes. She looks me in the eye and says, did you. I pause, and answer, no.

     I thought woman looked bored when their husbands thrust away and not notice the dull look in their eye and here I am with the opposite problem; a very wet and into it woman with a guy who is board as fuck!

     So Kage ended the night because the condom came off and I didn’t bring back ups. Which I’m glad, because it would have been boring until 6 in the morn. Needless to say, I had to finish myself off. Could have stayed home, but nope.

     Now there is one thing about this story that I didn’t mention in the beginning and it’s here now to segway into the next topic.

      If you have two thousand or so fans, do you count as a celebrity? If you read cult of personality, you now the very definition of celebrity is celebrated, thus even with a rather paltry amount of fans, she must count, right?

     So if anyone out there listing has a celebrity fantasy, I don’t want to burst your bubble, but if you’ve built it up over the years, you are most likely in for a rude awakening.Seriously, do not have pre-conceived notions about anyone you desire to fuck. Have a fantasy about anyone is healthy and fine. You’re not weird and it happens to most people, usually when you’re younger. Occasionally older, but its fine.

     Brings me to the next part, which is, of course, how you might find yourself in such a predicament. Now, this isn’t my first rodeo, but this is probably the first time I failed backwards into banging a person with fans. That sounds right, because celebrity should be reserved for someone who has a wider following. It’s the difference between cult following and summer blockbuster. This was the Rocky Horror Picture Show of sex. In other words, It was great when it all began, but ended with a floor show.
Now, for those of you who are awesomely challenged, let me tell you something, I’m a nerd par excellence. The fact I know what that last sentence means, gives me the credibility to refer to myself as such.
Look at how verbose my writing is. If that isn’t nerdy, I don’t know what is, but let us be honest, nerd or not, few are as awesome as I am.

     If you’re listening, you are either as awesome as I am or you want to be.
Now back to the topic at hand, I desire to express you to the following, which is that anyone and I do mean anyone, can have sex with anyone they desire. Yes, even you. I see your mid-90’s Chicago Bulls jersey and much like the bulls you haven’t had a championship in years. Prepare yourself, because you just might find yourself back in the playoffs, unlike the bulls.

     There is no simple pill that you can take to become awesome, all it takes is a dose of testicular fortitude. That’s right, to borrow from Sarge in the Gears of War series, nut the hell up, son!
That is it, really, just grow a pair. Nothing to it. Now, if you want to bang a “celebrity.” Well, same applies. Seriously, that’s it. They’re people too and that is something that needs to be made clear.
I don’t think I need to mention that persistence is probably not best for business when pursuing this personal endeavor. Remember kids, its persistence when you’re famous and stalking when you’re not.

     Should you find yourself, say, were a seemingly innocuous meet cute might happen to arise, then why not? you really have nothing to lose, other than the perhaps the desire to ever fondle a “celebrity” again.

     You should, of course, treat everyone you come across with some basic human respect. In other words, your end game probably shouldn’t be a routine fuck and chuck. Make it seem less conspicuous. Unless you’re dealing with a rock star, than fuck it and rock out with your cock or pussy out.
There is really nothing preventing you from them, other than perhaps a restraining order for your “persistence.” The librarian down the street can get one of those as well, though. So you really don’t have an excuse, just do not be a dick.

     If you recall, I made mention that idolization of anyone is a really, really dumb prospect. I think, as the doc has always said, that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. I really believe this and that’s why I’m making this my first topic. My sex life is like Kevin Smith’s film career, if I can do it, anyone can. Plus it’s life, that’s kind of what happens, you fail upwards.

     Just a few tips to keep in mind, should you be ballsy enough to go take a shot from the half court line with less than a minute on the clock in the final four.

     1. Be polite. This isn’t redundant. It’s basic edict for all human beings.
     2. Introductions. Not everyone is known by everyone. Even if you know them, odds are, someone might not.
     3. Act or actually be interested in them. Everyone’s favorite topic is themselves, but do not be too interested that you downplay yourself. In other words, don’t be a fanboy or girl.
     4. Maintain eye contact and exude confidence.
     5. When in doubt, treat them as you would a friend.

     This is good advice for dealing with anyone. You could attempt to be cocky, but save it for the pros.

     So until next time, remember that life is just a ride and we can change it, anytime we want to.