Tag Archives: horror movie reviews

Kageoween: John Carpenter’s Suburban Screams, 2023, review

INTRODUCTION: So JC at one point said something to the effect of “I put my hand out and there’s a pay check in it, I’m happy” well, who can blame him? I love having money in my hand as well, but this isn’t a pay day for an old movie getting a remake based on his characters, rather it’s a sale of his name to another true crime series, the world doesn’t need.

PLOT: Maybe real crime stories re-enacted by actors that even porn would reject for their horrible acting.

CHARACTERS: What characters? I think they’re supposed to be based on real people, but the episode never mentions the crime that this is covering.

ACTING: This makes pornography actors seem like Kate Winslet.

VISUALS: Dated, retro and not in a very good way.

FX: Mid card as fuck!

CONCLUSION: This show is one more in a genre that’s done to death, no pun intended. JC doesn’t have much to do with this show, except in name only. It’s fine if he wants to milk his name for all its worth, but a little bit of editorial discretion as to what your name is on, would be a nice touch. Much like John Carpenter, I too placed my hand out, only I didn’t get a pay check, I just got a headache.

1 out of 5 stars

Kageoween: The Fog, 1980, review

INTRODUCTION: So my television decided this year should be dedicated to John Carpenter movies. I assume it has to do with his soon to be released Peacock Halloween anthology series. Anyways, I seen a majority of this man’s movies, but never reviewed them, so I’m doing so for Kageoween. The Fog has to have had the weirdest of pitch meetings ever attached to it, because I don’t know who in the blue hell could of say straight faced through it, Which seems fitting to say about most of John’s movies. Lame concepts turned into iconic movies. So what are my thoughts? Read on!

PLOT: The Fog is rolling in. People are trapped on this island or something, IDK! Ahhh! Scary/sarcasm

VISUALS: It was made in the 1980’s on what appears to be a $13 dollar budget. Not millions, but literally $13 dollars USD. Thankfully John had great people surrounding him and a knack for visual flair, which makes a movie that should look a lot no retro, seem like it still could of be released yesterday to capitalize on nostalgia with retro movies, instead of being limited to tacky styles due to actually being filmed in the decade that birthed those styles. Unlike Halloween, where bell bottom are seen, along with middle age men, running around in tweed jackets thinking those were excellent style choices. (Writers note, I tend to like tweed jackets.) The most dated thing in this movie is a shot of a captains cup, looking like a middle schooler’s first attempt at clay firing and shellacking. You know, the hard to wash cups that get filled with cracks from day one and still, for some reason, exist? While still not John at his best, visually, it definitely shows a director making better overall choices and about to hit his peak with style by the time he gets to The Thing.

ACTING: Mostly good, but Jamie Lee is at her worst acting ever and her character is basically worthless, making her dialogue to Tom Akins in the boat, the most meta dialogue ever, about how she is basically worthless.

CHARACTERS: Mostly good, albeit sparse character development. Compared to other movies of its time though, this is still pretty good.

FX: You get two FX styles in this. Ghouls and the fog. The only really bad FX shot is near the end as the fog, rolling over a crespecular bay, looks like it’s on par with the moon in Evil Dead, except instead of a box, it looks like the fog is moving sideways on top of the water, like those old kids toys, that pretended to be video games, but just featured a moving background with a plastic car on top of it. Except those toys were bigger eye sores.

DIALOGUE: Good. Nothing overwhelming cringe.

CONCLUSION: For a movie whose title misrepresents the entire premise is a pretty good movie. It even has some pretty intense and scary moments that got me, even. The scariest part, is the lack of Tom Atkins mustache. The story is mildly interesting and done very well, for what is really a “from beyond the grave” ghost movie. Albeit I’m not quite sure why it took the Ghost nearly a century to take revenge, but lack of plot details aside, it works, minus the weak resolution that leads to an awesome finale sequence that more than makes up for it. Still a great Halloween movie, that hold up, some 43 years later.

4 stars out of 5

Kageoween: Clash Royale, app game.

Quick view at gameplay. I won this one, thankfully to a crazy start.

INTRODUCTION: Normally this time of year I focus on Horror reviews, I mean it is Halloween time after all. While couple of those may be coming this month, I want to focus on this game as it has a Halloween theme this month so it fits right in.

GAME: Simple game. It’s like Infinity Wars, meets WWE Supercard with a bit of Magic:The Gathering sprinkled on. The concept is capture the flag like. First person to destroy all three castles or the major one wins. Seems super simple and in a small part it is, but it can be challenging and rewarding.

GRAPHICS: Remember Advanced Wars for the Nintendo Advanced? Yeah, these graphics were on point 22 years ago, but it suits the games cartoon like aesthetic.

PRICE POINT: Free to download but in app purchases. You can play without making a lot of purchases and this game does not seem like a pay to play. It balances everything out.

OVERALL: This game can be a time sap. My brother has been playing for over a year and I’ve been playing for three days, but it has its moments. I think it’s worth a gander.

4 out of 5 stars

Source:IMDB.com

Kageoween: Hocus Pocus 2

Introduction: I hated the first flick with a passion. I was born and grew up in Salem and remember when it was being made. I know and have seen all the local haunts in the flick. There was nothing more special about that flick than a million other movies before it. So was this worth a 29 year wait?

Synopsis: The witches are back. Thanks virgins!

Acting: very solid and on par with the first ones.

Dialogue: very good.

Characters: Slightly stock, albeit fun additions, be nice if they were better rounded.

Visuals: way better than the first, but the CGI sucked.

Subtext: None really, unless you want to get into some stuff about how these movies are very lesbian chic before it was cool.

Conclusion: This movie moves at a brisker pace than the original. It’s funnier than the original and in a lot of ways that actually improved things better the second time around. It’s darker in tone than the original, especially on one joke about eating a child’s face. Never mind the fact these versions don’t mess around. The worst part of this flick is how much of Sarah Jessica Parker’s legs seem to show in a kids movie. It’s nostalgic, while different. I actually enjoyed this one, unlike the original. Extra bonus points for the retro newspaper kiosk outside Walgreens.

3 out of 5 stars

Kageoween:Hellrasier 2022

INTRO: Never been a fan of this series. I only ever liked the Pinheaded and the puzzle box. My favorite entry into this series was Hellrasier 3: Hell on Earth. So to say I had high hopes for this would be egregious overstatement. So how is it? Well I am reviewing it in the middle of watching it, for once.

SYNOPSIS: Uh, idiots find the rubric cube, we the lament configuration and hellarity ensues.

CHARACTERS: Shallow as fuck, stock idiot characters. All horrible characters, except for the gay brother, who cares for his junkie sister, but oh, fuck that character 20 mins in, says the director.

SFX/VISUAL: mediocre for Hollywood, good for HULU, but a YouTuber has probably done better.

SUBTEXT: None.

CONCLUSIONS: When compared to later iterations of the Hellrasier series, which became weird detective flicks, this movie seems like a step in the right direction. As a remake, it fails to live up to what made most people like the original, which was themes of BDSM, or some other bullshit. I honestly never noticed any of that, but people say they liked that, so if you’re one that liked that “subtext” then this isn’t for you. If you’re like me and only into this because Pinhead was awesome, this isn’t for you. If you want to see something that isn’t even unique like the 1987 movie, this movie isn’t for you. So who is this for? People that buy misfits shirts at Walmart and never even listened to the band. People who want to fit in and front about they saw a Hellrasier too. That’s who this is for.

1/5 stars

Army of the Dead

This isn’t so much of a review, as much as it is a bitch fest, so this will be wicked short. I watched this the other night and well, while the movie is alright, I couldn’t help but see one too many parallels to something else that deals with zombies, so my review is going to be summed up in this picture.

The Movie

CONCLUSION: Besides Zynder’s call backs to his remake of Dawn of the Dead (2004), which seem hokey and retro in a badway, this movie doesn’t move the genre forward in anyway, shape or form. It’s a mediocre movie in everyway, shape and form. All the most interesting parts are ripped off the game Left4Dead, which is the super zombies that are harder to kill. Included are the witch, the hunter and some Glen Danzig wanna be. If you added the “boomer” zombies, you could of easily called this Left4Dead 3. I hope Netflix gets sued for plagiarism.

2 out of 5 stars.