Tag Archives: Horror

Fashionably Late Movie Reviews: Friday The 13th Part 7

Introduction
Another installation of fashionably late movie reviews. This time we’re reviewing Friday the 13th part 7:The New Blood. This is another of my favorites in this series. If you never seen this one, it’s the one were someone had a pair of balls in some shitty production meeting in 1987 and said “What if Jason fought Carrie White?” and in typical Hollywood fashion some rich asshole with more money than brains said “fucking brilliant, here is 20 million bucks, go make it!” That is pretty much how these things are app to go. So without further ado, I call this review, Friday the 13th part 7: The Search for More Money!

Synopsis
A plethora of cliché and shallow “teen” characters played by early 30 something actors are stranded in the woods of Crystal Lake for the billionth time, when PLOT TWIST, a psycho named Jason Vorhees shows up to kill them!

Characters
All the bullshit tropes are accounted for, nothing new here and all shallow as fuck!

Acting
Holy shit is it bad! I mean, the porn your parents made on their honeymoon was probably better acted then this shit. One of the worse acted of them all.

Dialogue
Fine, nothing that really stands out as absolute garbage.

Kills
Nothing over the top or interesting. This is one that could hold up well on TV, with minimum edits.

Conclusion
This is easily one of the more interesting entries in the series, if only for the psychic aspect. Had the characters been given more depth so we could care about them getting axed, along with developing the story a tad bit more, even with terrible acting, the seeds were there for a even better version of this flick. What we ultimately got was a mess of a movie that seemed to want to wade into unfamiliar territory but too scared to make those choices because it didn’t want to drop it’s successful formula in favor of originality. Had the film makers been less reticent, this might have spawned a whole slew of slashers straying from their A-B, horror by numbers. It is an ashame too, given Part 6 did just that and gave room with excellent box office numbers to get them to give different another go. Clearly, it wasn’t meant to be and it still turned out to be OK entry into the series and still one of my favorites, regardless.

3 out of 5

Halloween: A movie review of Blumhouse’s H40

Introduction

I don’t want to start off with the typical cliché of the fact that the Halloween movies are 40 years old at this point and go through all the old bullshit about how so many movies have been made, including the remake and all that other fun stuff. I’m going straight to the point and talk about the fact that this is the movie people have a wanting for a long time.

Synopsis / Plot

Michael Myers breaks out of sanitarium, terrorizing Haddonfield, 40 years to the day of the original babysitter murders.

Characters

The characters are only kind developed but once we get into the bottom below where I praise the acting you can find yourself being like well, the acting makes up for only so-so character development.

Acting

I think it’s spot-on even from the most bit characters, which is a new trend in Hollywood that has been happening the last couple years, which I find to be an extremely interesting and very much a pleasurable thing. Backround characters are treated as something of note. The annoying aspect of background characters being bad actors always make for a weak movie and this is definitely moving in the right direction from all those old sequels.

Kills

I highly enjoyed all of the kills. Now, none of them are particularly interesting, you’ve seen things like this before but I enjoyed that because lately, especially with the Saw movies, Hollywood has been getting very over-the-top with their kills in horror movies and it’s ultimately destroying the entire horror industry. None of it is scary, and it’s absurd as I pointed out. This movie got it right! it had some up front and personal kills mixed with the Quentin Tarantino aspect of shying away from showing everything but letting you build it up in your mind. This is the right way to do a movie! Afterthought on this: a lot of people complained about the infant crying after his mom was killed was a missed opportunity. I disagree, it was more brutal than a kill would of been. A newborn left to fend for itself is 10x more evil than stabbing it.

Subtext

None of note but we don’t need that in this movie.

Conclusion

Most of her critics were completely wrong about this movie. I find the gripes to be unfounded. A lot of people came away from this with a version of the Mandela effect because they aren’t remembering it correctly. They still entitled to their opinion but they really should have bothered to have paid more attention in my mind. The acting was superb, the Kills were nothing new but still decent, the characters were okay but the acting more than made up for it, the tension was there, which lately is a new trend, is actually great. My only real gripe is super nitpicky, with one exception, most of the actors in this movie are hot but just kind of mediocre looking. Not a single one is overly photogenic, which is weird for Hollywood, but I don’t see anything wrong with hiring Hot or ugly people, even in horror movies, provided they can act. it works because all these people can act even if they’re not all Brad Pitt and I’m okay with this trend overall. Ultimately Halloween hits on all the right notes and is really done a great fan service 40 years later. In my mind Laurie Strode was done well, so much better than H2O or Halloween resurrection. This is the movie that I’ve been waiting to see since I was a kid.

Over all this movie gets 4 out of 5 stars and I hope it gets a sequel ASAP.

Kagemas: A review of the IT remake

Introduction

I was given this for Christmas, so I’m going to give it a review for Kagemas. If you don’t know by now, I really despise the Stephen King novel IT. That said, I don’t necessarily hate the miniseries, it was imperfect, but it still had some charm since Tim Curry gave an otherwise banal character, a personality. I’m reviewing the remake of IT. Is this a good remake or is it a bad remake?

Plot

You don’t know by now this book is about a group of children, who are haunted by an evil clown. The clown claims to be Bob Gray, but also uses the name Pennywise. One by one the children are tormented until the clown decides to come and eat them. What sounds like a promising premise, is ultimately destroyed by piss-poor writing, and this movie is no exception, because it’s ultimately two hours of the novel’s greatest hits mixed with a little bit of “fresh” material.

Characters

The characters are the whole group of kids, a Motley Crew, if you will, of strange bullied kids. All boys and one chick, but it’s hard to tell each one of them apart, as in the novel, since each one is basically the same character with just a slight flaw and or slight idiosyncrasy that sits there and makes them “different.”Ultimately none of these kids are relatable to you. They are nothing like when I was a kid, this was true of the miniseries as well, but the kids are acting the made up for the lack of relatability and it was believable that the kids in the miniseries were friends. Here it just seems like actors. By the end of this movie, you will hope Pennywise wins,that’s not what happens, as if you didn’t already know and that is a very big let down.

Style/ effects

Nothing really new that set it apart, typical Maine from all the Stephen King movies with the brick architecture, the Mills buildings and everything like that.

FX are dated as all hell, from the headless kid on the stairwell, that look and moved like terrible stop motion. The leper from the book, he looked creepy as hell, but also moved like a shity skeleton from Jason and the Argonauts. I get it, new IT is based in the 80s, but do we really need a stop motion reference to Nightmare on Elm Street part 3? Although I do like the poster that was in the background. The biggest question is how are these kids supposed to be scared of these no-name things including the very horribly produced female like ghost Creature From The Conjuring movie like that? All of them were banal no name ghost, shit ghost. You could have included David S Pumpkins to round off the whole non branded, lame “scary” characters thing. Warner Bros owns the rights to Nightmare on Elm Street and Jason from Friday the 13th? So the fact they didn’t treat this like the novel and updated with the new monsters that would hunt children’s youth back then, is a missed opportunity.

The ballons were CGI, except in close ups. The FX were dated as hell. It seems like WB didn’t care, they just wanted to the cash in on this and hopefully make some money and they ultimately did. There’s nothing wrong with making money, but you know what, if you’re going to sit there and take a franchise like this that for most people, is beloved even if I hated it, you could at least put some fucking care into the goddamn fucking creation of this. Warner Bros could not even make the DVD well. The DVD has two of them, one just for bonus disc the other for the movie. I don’t know if they are trying to be retro or they’re just lazy and incompetent but the case is flimsy as hell. I can push on it and nearly destroy the DVD. Even though FBI warnings are retro as fuck, and Sound quality sucks. There’s just so much wrong with the presentation and production.

Acting
Acting is mostly decent, there’s nothing overly bad here whatsoever. I would like to add in the fact that, regardless of people’s reviews or fandom, Pennywise is not as good as they like to claim. It is not a horrible interpretation, but it is far from Tim Curry, and this is not the Heath Ledger version of Pennywise, there’s definitely room for improvement in the better actor could bring more to this role.

Subtext
Read my book review on this and then you realize at the end, I had nothing more to say on this, other than the fact that it would seem to me, that the subtext is this group of kids are really a bunch of murderers, that invented Pennywise, in order to deal and cope with what they did when they were kids. That subtext, is slightly more visible in this movie that I think they meant to.

Conclusion
I really hope WB learns from the mistakes of this DVD as well as the mistakes of this movie because there’s a second part coming out in 2019 and I am so not looking forward to it. I may not be the biggest fan of this franchise, but I did grow up reading Stephen King and enjoying his books. At the end of the day this was a blatant cash grab, updated to the late 80s and what it gave us was bad effects, all right acting, no real connection to the characters, poor writing and nothing really new to write home about. It is an abysmal failure of a movie, but it made money, so in Hollywood that means it was a stellar success and you are going to sit there capitalize by pumping out Stephen King movies. In 2019 besides IT part 2, we’re getting a remake of Pet Sematary, another mediocre movie based on a Stephen King novel. I personally would avoid this and any of the remakes of his flicks, as none of the originals were even that good. The books are better. If you’re going to sit there and waste time just go read the book. I give this movie

2 out of 5 stars.

Postscript:
For a company that said it wasn’t going to do the child gang fuck because it was “going to far.” They sure had no problem putting a teen in her skives and letting boys gawk at her, which seems just as bad. Not to mention, Hollywood is ass kissing the me too movement but there was two non consensual kisses in this. I guess that is why I review them and they make them, because they are clearly people who have their shit together./sarcasm

Castle Rock Series Review

Introduction

Today we’re going to look at the JJ Abrams produced Castle Rock for HULU. Castle Rock is named after a town in a lot of Stephen King novels. So is Castle Rock worthy of being part of Stephen King’s world? We will find out.

Plot

The plot focuses around a young black man, who is being raised by white parents in Castle Rock, Maine. One day he goes missing and is later found on the lake without hypothermia or any frostbite, he might even be the potential killer of his adopted father. In typical Stephen King fashion, none of this is truly as it seems and ultimately it leads to a weird ending.

Characters/Acting

The best developed character happens to be the main lead, who is super fantastic. The rest of the cast is pretty decent. Only two characters really seem to stand out besides the main character, those are the adoptive mother and the weird mute prisoner.

Style

Style is decent, doesn’t really strayed too much from typical television fare at the moment, but otherwise, it is fine.

Dialogue

Very good, nothing seems awkward and everything seems genuine, even in a story about the supernatural.

Conclusion

Castle Rock is not your typical scary show, if anything it is more reminiscent of the X-Files in the 90s. Sadly it’s not as interesting or engaging as the X-Files was, but it has potential here and there. If you are looking for straight up scary, this is not it. This is tension building up until the final moments which you may find intriguing. I personally do not like any of this whatsoever. Occasionally there is an interesting aspect but it’s only cringe, never really scary. I love all the Easter eggs to Stephen King stories but ultimately none of that is really worthwhile if you have to sit through a show this painful to watch. I find that this show is always pretty bland when it could be a lot more intriguing and I don’t see myself watching any more seasons. I think you will feel the same way too. Should you find yourself wanting to watch this, feel free to, but otherwise I give it a :

3 out of 5 stars

Netflix’s The Haunting Of Hill House Series Review

INTRODUCTION

Just got finished watching Netflix new series The Haunting of Hill House. Let’s dive into the finer nuances of the show and see if it’s worth watching.

PLOT
The story focuses on a family that used to live in Hill House, but have now become an estranged family, since their time there. This is nothing like Shirley Jackson’s original 1959 novel, but it is an interesting concept nonetheless.

CHARACTERS
It mostly centers on a family of six, which spent a summer at Hill House. To the series credit it does try to develop the whole family through flashbacks and modern-day storytelling, woven throughout the whole series. Ultimately, though, the series fails to develop the characters will enough for us to care about. They focus too much on the pitfalls of the family and how they become broken as opposed to developing them well-rounded.

ACTING
The acting in this series is actually pretty good, considering it’s a Netflix original, which usually lends itself to be pretty terrible, with the exception of 1922. The weakest point is one of the younger siblings, who becomes a heroin addict, while the strongest acting happens to be the director’s own wife who plays a lesbian. The children actors are also fantastic. Regardless it’s believable that they are real family regardless of time frame they are in.

STYLE
The style of the show was nothing to write home about it looks exactly like everything on television at the moment, so it doesn’t stray from that particular aspect and offers us nothing new in terms of visuals.

SUBTEXT
The show is essentially about family and I think Hill House has become an analogy of how easy it is for things to go south in an instance and change the lives of everyone involved. in this case, it is the possible mental illness of the family.

CONCLUSION
Why the show does somethings correct it fails overall. This show could have been better as a one-off movie instead of a one-off series because if they decide to do a sequel, I have no clue where they’re going to go with such and I don’t know if people are even interested in anything past this. The scares are unoriginal and lame with the exception of one. Story itself is okay minus a few things here and there was just don’t really make sense. At one point the lady playing the lesbian comes up from having just going down on her lover and you can see gash juice on her chin. No straight character, with the exception of Comedy has ever had a scene where where she has come up with cum on her chin. The fact the girl is a lipstick lesbian makes me think the scene was put in only to entice men to watch it. otherwise there was no point to the scene. The build-up to the end just was not there nor was there any tension throughout and the ending wasn’t very satisfactory. Although it was bittersweet and a decent tie up of the whole story.

3 out of 5 stars.

Kagemas: Christmas Presence Movie Review

INTRODUCTION

I’m reviewing another movie that is a Shudder exclusive, called Christmas Presence. Shudder has way better original content than Netflix does, but is this one of them? Short answer is no, it is not.

PLOT

An assortment of friends spend Christmas together at their well to do gay designer friend’s house. A spirit or ghost of some type inhabits the land. Bedlam ensues and people are killed leading to a dumb ending. Think Evil Dead with Hill House and you have this pile of dung.

CHARACTERS

Not well developed. 3 out of 5 characters are LGBT, we know this, cause they tell us and the characterized aspects are black and white, very unrealistic to those of us who have known LGBT people. Flamboyant gay man is flamboyant, the lesbian is a dude, the bi character is a straight male perpetrated fantasy, the black straight chick is angry and her beta cuckhold husband is in love with the bi white chick. Also, the gay man is in love with the bi white chick. The male lesbian is dating the bi white chick and the straight black chick is jealous of her. I’m not joking about any of this. The bi white chick also rants about the media and the treatment of LGBT as more of an alt-lite voice. This implies that leftists really have no clue on how to support diversity or show LGBT people as they truly are. Did I mention how they let us know how gay these characters are but the only kiss is between a gay man and the bi women?

ACTING

Alright, but it is not believable that any of these twats are friends for even a second.

STYLE

It looks cheap and indie, as opposed to Summer of 84, that feels big budget and could be released into theaters. The effects are decent, but nothing cutting edge or new.

CONCLUSION

This movie is not the worst movie ever, it is better than some of your old school, run of the mill, B flicks. You can watch it without cringing and maybe you might enjoy it, inspite of the flaws. That said, this movie is not for me.

3 out of 5