Jesus is the reason for the season, or so I’ve always heard about. While only about half true, given late year festivals go all the way back to Ancient Greece, if not longer, he IS responsible for how many Americans view the Christmas season. Tonight, I want to look at Jesus’ feats and see, what, if any, hold merit.

JESUS TURNS WATER TO WINE

On the third day a wedding took place at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples had also been invited to the wedding. When the wine was gone, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no more wine.” “Woman,why do you involve me?” Jesus replied. “My hour has not yet come.” His mother said to the servants, “Do whatever he tells you.” Nearby stood six stone water jars, the kind used by the Jews for ceremonial washing, each holding from twenty to thirty gallons. Jesus said to the servants, “Fill the jars with water”; so they filled them to the brim. Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the master of the banquet.”They did so, and the master of the banquet tasted the water that had been turned into wine. He did not realize where it had come from, though the servants who had drawn the water knew. Then he called the bridegroom aside and said, “Everyone brings out the choice wine first and then the cheaper wine after the guests have had too much to drink; but you have saved the best till now.” What Jesus did here in Cana of Galilee was the first of the signs through which he revealed his glory; and his disciples believed in him.

It never says Jesus turned water into wine. It was presumed that traditional Jewish water jugs only held water. Within the jugs, the story suggests that Jesus knew that more affluent foalk would hide the good wine. What is the take away? Jesus was good at deducting things correctly and ignorant presumptions are just that.

Let’s take an alternative look at this story in the informality of it.

What would it have taken to turn water to wine? Grapes, yeast and time. Jesus’ story takes place in Israel. A relatively dry climate. Finding water might have been his biggest miracle of all.

The Bible states that Jesus showed aptitude at a very young age, also being highly literate long before adulthood. Not necessarily common in those days. It’s fair to say, by social standards of the time, understanding how wine works would not be common place and consider an excellent skill.

Plausibility of the story happening? Very good.

JESUS’ HEALING OF A NOBLES SON

Once more he visited Cana in Galilee, where he had turned the water into wine. And there was a certain royal official whose son lay sick at Capernaum. When this man heard that Jesus had arrived in Galilee from Judea, he went to him and begged him to come and heal his son, who was close to death.

Close to death? What does that mean? We can’t really know, we weren’t there, but given the era, almost EVERYTHING, could bring you close to death. So hyperbole aside, what are we to make of all of this?

It’s stated that Jesus is a man of medicine. Which makes him a man of science. To ignore this, even though the science may be bad by today’s standards, is an atheist contradiction. It should also be noted that Leprosy was a catch all term for all skin conditions, not just the one that killed people.

Given that hypocrates was a quack doctor, but people still read his work and also given Chinese medical treatments, none of which were proven to work, but helped to open up trade routes with other countries, albeit in a different time frame, we can conclude that Jesus’ time had similar aspects and weather or not he actually helped is dubious, given we have so little data to go on.

I’m calling this plausible, even if it is dubious.

JESUS GETS FISH

One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God. He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat. When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken, and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.” So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

This one was a test of patience for everyone involved. The second they wanted to give up, Jesus said try again, they did and were rewarded. I believe this is more a story about not giving up too soon, but fishermen can go hours with nothing and then find a massive catch.

I rate this as a potentially true claim, given once again, it happens all the time. Although by modern standards, rating it a miracle might be a touch overzealous.

JESUS CAST OUT A UNCLEAN SPIRIT

Just then a man in their synagogue who was possessed by an impure spirit cried out, “What do you want with us, Jesus of Nazareth? Have you come to destroy us? I know who you are—the Holy One of God!” “Be quiet!” said Jesus sternly. “Come out of him!” The impure spirit shook the man violently and came out of him with a shriek. The people were all so amazed that they asked each other, “What is this? A new teaching—and with authority! He even gives orders to impure spirits and they obey him.” News about him spread quickly over the whole region of Galilee.

Ok, figure of speech is what I’m getting. A heckler mocks Jesus and Jesus chills him out. Happens all the time in comedy clubs. Happens with celebrities all the time too. There is nothing here that is outrageous about a person doing this by any means. Maybe uncommon in Jesus’ day, but not unlikely. Very plausible!

JESUS HELPS PETERS MOTHER IN LAW

Simon’s mother-in-law was in bed with a fever, and they immediately told Jesus about her. So he went to her, took her hand, and helped her up. The fever left her and she began to wait on them.

Is it a real fever or figurative? who knows. Not a lot is here to make an educated decision. That said, the Romans used to make bayleaf to make antacid cakes, so if ye olde tums could exist, maybe ye olde Tylenol could as well?

Very plausible.

JESUS HEALS A LEAPER

A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, “If you are willing, you can make me clean.” Jesus was indignant. He reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed. Jesus sent him away at once with a strong warning: “See that you don’t tell this to anyone. But go, show yourself to the priest and offer the sacrifices that Moses commanded for your cleansing, as a testimony to them.” Instead, he went out and began to talk freely, spreading the news. As a result, Jesus could no longer enter a town openly but stayed outside in lonely places. Yet the people still came to him from everywhere.

Now, as stated above, Leprosy wasn’t anything more than a catch all term for everything. Given we don’t know what they had to correctly make an accurate assumption, we can still chalk it up to plausible, given lots of other places had just as much junk as any other place, and who knows, maybe it did work. Wasn’t long ago that the US thought a lobotomy was a good idea and leeches too. So…

Finally we come to

JESUS WALKS ON WATER

Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him. Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”

Newtonian water aside, this story is not about a man literally walking on water, no, it’s about a man who braved a tempest.

In some cultures, you stand on line, not in. I have no doubt that this is a simple mistranslation and that Jesus walked into the water to brave the storm, something that to this day, would still frighten sailors and have taken a toll on many. Jesus would have been a miracle man for being so fuckin ballsy.

A bouns just for Christmas.

JESUS WAS BORN OF A VIRGIN BIRTH

One night an angel came to Joseph in a dream and told him that Mary’s baby was the Son of God. The angel told Joseph to marry Mary and to name her baby Jesus. Jesus was to be the Savior of the world.

This is, 100 percent, true. In Latin, the word virgin means “reserved for man.” The prefix VIR, pronounced Wir, would be associated with men. Since sexual immorality is the only claim for a divorce within the Bible it was important that Joseph understood that the child wasn’t him being cucked. Now, the whole son of god thing could be considered over the top, but given the time frame when there was no DNA testing and proving a child was yours was hard to do, many fathers and mothers often cast their potential progeny away. It never claimed Mary never had sex, just that Jesus was her first child.

The biggest miracle of all was how everyone managed to survive into adulthood to even write the Bible to begin with, never mind be literate enough to know how write. On top of all that, not having parchment to even write this down on.

Seems to me, Bible literacy needs to make a return in a big way, because too many people are arguing informality instead of what the bible actually says.

And just so we’re not busting up 100% on atheism. Mary and Joseph were never rejected by an inn keeper. Jesus wasn’t born in a manger either. Read your bible, sirs

18 This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about : His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. 

19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. 

20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 

21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” 

22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 

23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means “God with us”).

Matthew

Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.

Praise him and all his glory!