Category Archives: retro

Local Girl Plans to Lose Virginity at Prom (2011)

Prom is the highlight of any teenager’s high school days, often leading to fond memories during a person’s midlife when they realize life didn’t turn out how they planned. Students spend the entire year, saving and awaiting this one night and at least one girl, plans to make the most of it.

“I’m gonna lose my virginity at prom” says eighteen year old, Chinpoko High Student, Jessica Marsh. “It’s gonna be so much fun. I’ve been planning it since Freshman year.”

Showing off her pink prom dress that she designed and made herself, she mentions how she always pictured the perfect moment that she would lose her virginity. “Every girl always dreams of that perfect moment, that she’ll have her first time and hopes it will be special. I’m no exception.”

When asked if there was one special boy she planned to give this gift to, she said “My dream has always been to lose it to the football team.”

Going into graphic detail that can’t be printed here, she laid out her whole night and how she hopes it will unfold. “Nothing can stop this perfect moment. Not even that stuck up bitch, Brittney Olsen” she said. “it’s gonna be magical. I can’t wait to have all those Cocks.”

“The Cocks” are Chinpoko High’s championship winning team and Jessica is hoping that they will enjoy the extra perks of winning the state championship this year. “I hope this means as much to them as it does to me.” She added, smiling.

The Kage Daily Sun reached out to the Chinpoko High “Cocks” for comment, and all we got where sly grins and everyone high fiving one another.

Asked about her plans for the future, she told me how she can’t wait for college. “I’m majoring in woman’s studies” She said. “It’s not science, but there’s gonna be a lot of experimenting, if you know what I mean.”

Brittney Olsen couldn’t be reached for comment.

Ambrosia (2012)

Your smell intoxicates my senses in ways that make me glad to have imbibed the nectar of love.

You make my heart flutter like the wings of a dove.

I have shunned these feelings that burn in the deepest recesses of my loins and heart.

From you I cannot bear to part.

Yet, I cannot abate these emotions that tear me apart and fill me with strife. They forebode my heart like the twist of a knife.

Hitherto, I can see the heavens and the revolutionary spheres.

You doth make me quiver and repeal my fears.

I have gazed into the abyss and ye it has gazed unto me.

You are my weakness, my sin, my Aphrodite

For quid, or for naught, I give you a bid. I am the ego and you are the id.

The ninth level of hell, I have been cast.

Missing her love that I yearn to bask.

My chamber feels empty without you nearby.

You make me evolve without it being contrived.

Where others might perish, my will doth thrive.

Yet to my heart, you are always nearby.

The world is a stage and we’re all merely players.

The cosmos are better with your existence here.

Have I said all I can say? Could there be more in store?

It cannot be said, and this I abhor.

It is you, my ambrosia that I’ll love, forever more.

What the fuck? (2012)

We live in a world that’s entirely disconnected from one another. We use social networking sites ironically. We bond, through bondage. We forge our chains in life and wear them to the grave.

We give thanks at Thanksgiving and celebrate goodwill towards man at Christmas, all ironically. For it is inherit to paylip service to ideals but not truly believe in them.

We all think we are right but couldn’t be more wrong.

We force our views on everyone in a need to control everything.

We judge collectively. We form tribes in everything we do. We are tribes within tribes within tribes within tribes. Sports to racism. It’s all tribalism at its worst.

We are greedy, narcissistic and contradictory.

We don’t have sex. We fuck. EVERYTHING.

All life is sacred. Some are more sacred than others.

We are selflessly selfish.

We are surrounded by others but always alone.

We have emotions but do not truly feel.

Greed and Empathy are lovers. For in order to do for others, we must first ask how I would feel.

We shun living as one but all ready do.

We look alike, talk alike, dress alike and think alike. Will the real humanity please stand up?

We are collectively individuals.

We are logically illogical.

We fear indoctrination but indoctrinate everyday.

We don’t have kids. We have clones.

We don’t live. We just pass time till death.

You are not the problem. Everyone else is.

We grow up yet we don’t. We are the unevolved evolved.

We are everything and we are nothing.

This piece is everything it hates.

I,I,I,I,I

Me,Me,Me,Me,Me

We,We,We,We,We

Us,Us,Us,Us,Us

Them,Them,Them,Them,Them.

We are fine. You are not.

We are insanely sane. Uncomfortably comfortable. Unsymbioticly symbiotic. Patronizingly Patriotic. Condescendingly condescending. Openly Closed. Highly low and lowly high. Perfectly imperfect. We are upside down and inside out. We know nothing about everything and everything about nothing and we are spiritlessly spiritual.

I am he, as you are he, as you are me and we are all together. Everything is in interpretation.

Don’t panic. It’s just a ride.

Everything will be fine.

Retro Appetizer! (2008-2010)

Here is a bunch of short blog post, in their original format, under their original pen names and everything I did in that era, which were not articles, but with more to come.

John Edwards Cheats

“Cats and dog’s living together, mass hysteria”-Bill Maury “Ghostbusters”

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/08/08/edwards.affair/index.html

You mean, under that very expensive hair cut, John Edwards is *GASP!* HUMAN! Oh my God! What is the world coming to when a human being makes a mistake and does something that goes along with their carnal nature? *shock, horror*

Who would have thought that a human being was anything short of infallible? Clearly not those who are reading this story on Edwards.

There is no way he could possibly, ever run a country now because he cheated on his wife.

Oh, woe is he who would vote for a man on his credentials on running a country and not on his sex life. Edwards should never run for president ever in the near future, because this is simply too much to bare. it warps my entire worlds view.

Anyone willing to discount a person from being president based on his personal life, especially after they elected a Jesus freak, ex coke head to office, needs to be shot.

Man Has Kid
Just because you changed your sex to become a man, does not make your pregnancy a “miracle”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23942218/

A woman who had a sex change 10 years ago to become is now “pregnant”.

News flash! Getting a sex change, but keeping the female reproductive system you where born with, cause you were a woman to begin with, doesn’t count.

Sadly, idiots like to feed into a person like this who is just looking for attention and publicity. In a different article she was even quoted, I believe, as saying that she liked the fact this would generate controversy and mess with taboo’s.

I don’t think we should even consider this news worthy to begin with.

Show me a Man who was actually born a man, and who can get pregnant and I will show you a true miracle. Til then, file this under “Retarded attention whores”

Change?
America needs to stop deluding itself that is has made Change. Fact is, America has not made change and probably will not make real change for a long, long time. Sure people will say But we elected a black man to the highest office in our nation Yet we are so quickly ready to forget that Obama is half white. What does that speak of about our country? That we will elect someone, but only if he is half white? What if Obama was totally black, would our nation still have elected him, or would we have snubbed him based on race? What if Obama was totally white? Would he still have clinched his parties nomination?

How can we pride ourselves on making Change when in the same night, a state, who voted overwhelmingly to elect a man who is half black to our nations highest office, also voted against gay marriage in the same night?

America: We want change, but not THAT much change.

CUNT OF THE YEAR AWARDS
Well, who could possibly be the biggest cunt of 2009 before it is even over?

Daniel Petric, 17 of Ohio. This piece of shit killed his mother and his father, while they were in bed, then tried to make it look like a murder suicide and pin it on his father, all because they took his Halo game away from him. Oh, cry me a river fuck face.

They gave the little shit 23 years to life with parole. They say it isn’t fully his fault, because he was young and the video game influenced him.

FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!!

This video game made him do it shit is fucking lame as hell. That is just as bad as saying the Devil made you do it. You have no one to blame but yourself, fuck face! Stop scapegoating shit and own up and take fucking responsibility.

They should of gave you LIFE, if not killed you. You are so fucking Ohio didn’t give you the death penalty, if they even have it.

I hope you enjoy taking black dick for 23 years, because you are going to be filled out like an application.

I also hope every night before you go to bed, you see your mothers face and you are haunted for the rest of your fucking life.

“At the trial, Mark Petric testified that his son came into the room and asked his parents: “Would you guys close your eyes? I have a surprise for you.”
The father testified that he expected a pleasant surprise. Then his head went numb from a gunshot.”-THOMAS J. SHEERAN Yahoo News

Article on the douche bag

EDIT: We have a two way tie for biggest cunt of 2009;Tyler Weinman, ladies and gentleman, the “alleged” Florida cat killer. fuck you, too, you stupid cunt!

Calling a spade a spade

What the hell is up with the term “Sex offender”? It is so broad and vague. Is a sex offender someone who offends the opposite sex?

Why can’t we just toss political correctness to the side and call a spade a spade?

Lets call a child molester what he is, a fucking child molester. No special names for what they are. Same goes for pedophiles, rapist, dog fuckers and other people that end up on the “offender” list.

Don’t vague it up in an attempt to hide what these people did and give them some semblance of a normal life.

Do we call Serial Killers “Multiple life removers”? No, we don’t. Why cut corners here?

The term sex offender is also a form of scare tactics on suburban life. When you distribute fliers about how a “sex offender” lives next door to you, you are inciting fear in everyone nearby, because they jump to the conclusion that a “sex offender” is automatically a child molester.

Why should Holly house wife have to live in fear,–which passes onto her kids, because kids can feel their parents fear–when you can just straight shoot with us?

I’m not going to worry if Joe Dog Rapist is living 20 feet from a school zone. I do care when Ron Pedophile/Child rapist is, though.

Sure we can just look the person up on the list and see how he offended…but if we can find that out anyways, why not just tell us?

In fact, I think that all “sex offenders” should legally be forced to change there last name to reflect there crimes so there is no mistake about who they are and what they did.

Lets see Ron Pedophile hide from his crimes now.

Letter to the Editor

What happened to a time when people who committed the crimes where responsible for what they did? It appears those times are gone, as the local 7-11 is trying to stop things before they even happen, in an attempt to thwart some crimes.

See, if you are a certain age or below you get carded for cigarettes, and I am all for being carded; keeping minors from buying cigarettes/alcohol is a good thing, but potentially stopping me from making a purchase because I have someone with me who may or may not be a minor is just plain idiocy.

I am an individual, and what I do has nothing to do with anyone but me. You cannot assume I am going to commit a crime before I am even out the door, and if I do commit a crime once I am outside, then the responsibility goes to me and me alone.

It is not 7-11’s job to make judgment calls about what might happen.

If we’re going to start trying to predict crimes, why don’t they stop selling alcohol to anyone to drives to 7-11 with a car? After all, each person who buys alcohol and then gets into their car could be a drunk driver with the ability to harm others, could they not? Might as well go the full nine yards with this one, right?

Does 7-11 also extend this policy of double carding to parents who purchase tobacco or booze in the presence of their children? After all, children are most likely to get tobacco or alcohol from their parents than any other source around. Ask someone who started smoking or drinking at a young age and I bet you are most are apt to find that they were getting it from a parent’s stash as opposed to getting some stranger to buy them alcohol or tobacco. (To answer my own question posed above, 7-11 does not double card parents who are with their children. My mother was able to purchase alcohol and we were told only one of us need be carded and it didn’t matter which.)

The irony to this story is that while 7-11 is hassling young people in a vain attempt at stopping crime, they are also one of the biggest perpetrators of another crime, the use of Marijuana. They guise their sale of “Blunt wraps” under the cover of tobacco use only, but unlike the water pipe that has tobacco use roots in the Middle East and traditional Zig-Zag rolling papers which are used for roll your own cigarettes, blunt wraps are clearly meant for rolling weed in. Some come with names that are associated with Marijuana or carry pictures of popular hip-hop stars that are known to have smoked the illegal substance.

What pillars of the community, uh?

-William

Sex for Dummies?
Right, so what is the dumbest “for Dummies” book one could think of? If you said “Nuclear bomb buliding for dummies” well, you’re prob right. What is the second dumbest? “Sex for dummies” (Yes, this book is real) Honestly, how stupid does one have to be to read this book? What the fuck would it even look like anyways?

Chapter one:
Remove your clothes (Socks optional)

Chapter two:
Wrong hole dummy, aim higher

Chapter three:
The Promised land

Chapter four:
PULL OUT! PULL OUT!

Chapter five:
Oops! Where to find the morning after pill

Chapter six:
She wasn’t laughing at you…ok, maybe she was.

Chapter seven:
Don’t panic, that’s why we have penicillin.

Chapter eight:
Condoms. (Maybe we should have put this chapter in front of the book)

Chapter nine:
She told me she was eighteen. (and a 101 other excuses)

Chapter 10
Other things you could have bought besides this book.

FUCK NERD CULTURE (2009)

Starwars sucks. There, I said it. I just commited the highest blasphemy in geek history. My cpu will be sent trojans (unforuntly not condoms, cause a Starwars fan has never known a womans touch) Dorks will camp outside my house for months just to get a chance to hit me with there plastic TOY sabers. The anti-christ will come forth to cause destruction and cats and dogs will be living together. Mass hysteria!

Now, with that said, I will not overlook the contributions that Starwars has given to the cinema. Without Lucas and ILM making Starwars, who knows where movie special fx would have went. Would we have a lot of our beloved movies we have today, had Starwars not come first? Prob. not. We also have it to partily thank for Kevin Smiths career. Kevin Smith is awesome, but I digress.

I highly doubt there is a Starwars fan among you that can say they, at one point or another, have not been fed up with the “holy trilogy”. Even bored by it. How many times has Lucas messed with the oringal flims? How about how bad Episodes 1 and 2 sucked? the only reason people liked 3 was to see the return of Vader. Hardly Worth suffering through Jar Jar binks for.

Starwars has become too mainstrem for its own good. Everyone is a Starwars fan now. Part of being a geek is liking the obscure. Things others don’t find cool, we do.

This goes double for you fantasy loving geeks out there. Lord of the Rings SUCKS! Those are the most blatlenty homo-erotic movies ever concived. While the books might be good, the movies are boring and GAY! Just because you’re the grandfather of all fantasy, doesn’t mean everything about you is awesome.

While I am at it, Horror needs a kick in the nuts. Its all the same. Saw movies SUCK! Hostel movies SUCK! PG-13 horror SUCKS! J-horror SUCKS! Remakes SUCK! Zombie movies and fans, SUCK! I ain’t even talking about Rob here, I am talking about movies about zombies. Zombies are the worst monsters ever, stop holding them up on a pedestal, RETARDS!

Following this suit, Freddy, Jason, Micheal, Chucky and Pinhead, need to stay DEAD! Freddy is a joke. Jason is boring. Micheal gets raped by shitty musicans who think they can direct, and the Hellrasier movies, while they all suck to begin with, don’t even involve Pinhead anymore.

Horror just plain sucks now. It’s fun while your a kid, but it soon loses it luster after you realize how they’re all the same movie, repacked to be sucked up by the idiot public.

RPG’s are DUMB! D&D sucks. So don’t you if you have discussions about how your broad soward gets +7 damage if cast at night and other retarded things. The only decent RPG is prob Vampire the Requiem and other White Wolf games.

If you’re one of those losers that plays any RPG all day, and I don’t care if it’s D&D or World of Warcraft (Which sucks just as much) or any RPG, you need to take a stright edge razor and end your life now. Losers.

While I am at it, here is a list of other “Geek” things, that are overrated now.

1.Monty Python and the holy grail. Funny movie, but quoted ad nasuem. Find a new movie to quote.

2. The Evil Dead. The first movie is boring as fuck. The second one alright and Army of Darkness, watchable. The ONLY thing these movies had going for it was the direction of Sam Rami and the acting of Bruce Campbell.

3. Not sure what should go here, I attacked most everything, except Star Trek, and trust me trekkiees, you’re NEXT!

This is the end of this little diatribe…for now. I will update it from time to time with things I may have left out in my attacks. Geeks and fanboys are safe, for now

OMG, BARRACK OBAMA IS GAY? (2009)

Oh, my God;Did you see that Adam Lambert just admitted he is gay? I don’t believe it.

So ends another vapid exchange between two lesser beings, also known as American Idol fans(I apologize to my great friend, who happens to be smarter then the average American Idol fan, but still enjoys the show.)

America needs to get over its gay obsession. Guess what? gay’s are not new, they have been around as long as humans have. Stop pretending like they are the new toy you just got for Christmas, and awing over them.

I had to check the calender today to see if it was 2009 or 1996…you see, thirteen years ago, a celebrity–hell, anyone really–coming out the closet might have been a major shocker. Now its old hat.

Oh my God, did you know [insert celebrity name here] is gay? The right response to this question is “Who gives a fuck?”

Hey, did you know so and so is straight? That might be more of a surprise in a nation is that slowly becoming gayer and gayer.

Hell, this country seems to have such an obsession with gays that Sometimes we know you’re gay before you even do.

Hey America! If you love gays so much, why don’t you marry them? Oh, thats right, because we’re still a nation of homophobes. Our obsession with gays is more that of an anthroplogist, studying the tribe.

“The gays, they act like real people…astonishing!” “They feel, just like us.”

What an incredible discovery we made;Gays are human, go figure?

and enough with this bullshit phrase “I came out of the closet” it is so cliche. So many gay people “come out” of it on such a daily basis, that one has to wonder; is it a closet or a fucking clown car?

Gay’s and Clowns have a lot in common;both wear obscene amounts of glitter and make up, both are bedecked in outrageous outfits and apparently you can fit shit loads of them into small, dark, tight spaces.

Thats right, I just compared homosexuals to clowns, get the fuck over it.

We need to go back to don’t ask, don’t tell. Because who you fuck is none of my goddamn fucking business. How is knowing the EMT–who is saving your life– takes it in the ass on a nightly basis from his boyfriend going to change who he is as a techinican? So long as he is compentat at what he does, that is all that matters.

No more “gay pride” prades. Guess what? The majority of Americans couldn’t care less you’re here, you’re queer and you’re proud. What I give a shit about is that your fucking parade is holding up traffic.

I’ll vote agasint gay marrige, just on the fact you made me 15 minutes late to my goddamn appoitment.

Another thing, stop comparing this “gay rights” bullshit to the civilrights movment of the 60’s. They are not one and the same thing.

You didn’t see headlines in the 60’s read “Louie Armstrong says “I’m black” did you? It must of been a real shocker when Sammy Davis Jr came out as well.

“Boo hoo, we can’t marry” How would you like a special bubbler(water fountain) that says “Gay use only”?

Oh, thats right, we don’t segerate strights and homo’s, do we? and even if we did, it isn’t as if you could hide it like the blacks could hide there skin color, right?

“but people shouldn’t have to hide who they are” blah blah blah, SHUT IT! The world isn’t perfect, it is the way it is, and you have to make the most out of your life with what you’re delt.

You don’t see me running around yelling out how stright I am, do you?

Do I hog up traffic with stright pride prades, marching giant plaster of paris vaginas up and down the street to show the world how much I love pussy, do you?

Why is that? Because no one gives a shit.

You decide to “come out” you deal with the reactions you get. Its like yelling “fire” in a crowded building,there is going to be a reaction.

I guess what I really wanted to say is this: Being gay is no longer news;stop wasting ink and trees on how the next American Idol winner is queer. Because no one really gives a shit…except for the tweengirls whose hearts you just crushed because the Backstreet Boys are fags.

Well, thats the end of this lengthy diatribe;so much more I want to say, but maybe I’ll save it for a extended version or a part two.