Category Archives: Movies

Fashionably Late Movie Reviews: Scream

INTRODUCTION:
With all the reviews I do, sometimes I don’t get around to reviewing old movies, especially ones I love and have impacted me a lot. One of those movies is Scream. I loved it back in 1996 and I love it today. I am reviewing some twenty three years after the fact and I am not going to hold back on my thoughts, because all is fair for a skewer or praise, even my own favorite things. So what is your favorite scary movie? One of them is Scream!

SYNOPSIS:
Woodsboro is a quiet town where not much happens. It has seen better days then the murder of a young mother, but a year after that, things become hectic, and Woodsboro is never the same again.

CHARACTERS:
Shallow as puddles. I mean, exposition attempts to give us back story, but not really in a way that is needed, since it is being shown. For instance. Dewy saying to a smoking chief, “I thought you quit” when he is smoking, yet the body language is enough for us to see he is tense, his past doesn’t make this scene more poignant than it already is. A longer movie that build up the relationships better or better chemistry between the actors would of helped a lot. Otherwise, you really don’t care for most of them.

DIALOUGE:
Not bad at all. Although I do have some issues with one aspect and that is Randy’s Rules for a horror movie and one other aspect about the boyfriend always being a suspect. First about the boyfriends, what movie was it ever the boyfriend? It never was! I’ve seen 1000’s of horror movies and this was never a thing and while I haven’t seen every single horror movie made, I still can’t even find movies where it turned out to be the boyfriend. This seems like made up bullshit that found its way into the series. Second are the rules are never actually real rules. Let’s take rule one, being a virgin. Not a single survivor girl is ever labeled a virgin, we’re just presumptuous because usually the survivor girl is typical girl next door, reads books, but the question must be asked, whose perspective are these written from? I would expect a popular chick to not want to bang the nerdy kid, but not a single man picking up the easy nerdy female ass? I get if a killer is on the loose not to run off to a room to get off, because you’re going to be venerable, but Come on now, to think every character that ever went up against a killer in these movies couldn’t get laid or never did, well, this insults my intelligence. The other two make sense, but they really aren’t rules for a horror movie, more like, how to survive period. Don’t get intoxicated for instance. Well no shit Randy Meeks! How about, always have a gun? The “I’ll be right back” aspect also barley happens in movies. It seems to me that screams meta aspect, while there, is over inferred and whatever movies Williamson was watching were not movies I was watching nor anyone else. One of the weaker parts of the movies that is never discussed.

ACTING:
When I first saw this, I hated Officer Dewey, but David Arquette is really the guy who jumps off the screen with the best acting of them all. He never hams it up on screen or has an uneven performance. I have to appreciate David and his acting through this series more now than I ever did in the past. He is really good! The rest of the cast are uneven and one wonders if this is the first acting gig for most of them or if they were too cool to bother putting in the effort on such a low brow film. The answer is probably a mixture of both. Courtney Cox gets an honorable mention, even though Gail is over the top, she seems to have taken this seriously and brought an A game perforce and she is another character I loathed in the series.

PRODUCTION:
Production is weird on this. Scream, regardless of what some think, is not Wes Craven’s finest hour. It features weird 1960’s batman angles which not only look like shit, but add nothing and I noticed this was nixed later on in the series. A poor choice that, thankfully, didn’t hinder this movie or his career, because it seems so amateur. The set style attempts to be so not 90’s that somehow it is even more 90’s than being dated would have been, if that makes sense? The clothes are not teenage choices of the era, the set dressing barley have anything 90’s about them. I would presume they wanted to go “evergreen” so it looked good no matter the year, but somehow made it look like this was created by two out of touch old men. Then there is the police, which are all dressed like 70’s California Highway patrol. I don’t know where Woodsboro is, but it seems like it should be in New England, given that Dunkin Doughnuts outside of the region where hard to come by back then, so I don’t know how these Eric Estrada fanboys were getting it.

KILLS:

Awesome! They’re just right for the film series. Gory but not over the top and weird.

SUBTEXT: None

CONCLUSION: Scream worked well in its time frame because few movies were like this. You had Jason Lives with the meta aspect and that was all. It still mostly holds up, even though the cloning of cell phones was a dated reference even then, the fact Sid manages to make a 911 call on a system that never existed in the 90s, right after she tries the phone. Back then, this would have disconnected her from the net and she would have been frustrated waiting to reconnect via dial up. Kudos to her for being the first woman to ever have DSL before it existed. The production seems to be done by out of touch old men and the acting is typical fare for these films of any era, never mind the shallow cast of character. Scream’s charm lies not in how original it was or wasn’t but in how real it was, especially in the original decade of school shooters. It could happen anywhere and that is where the really scary part comes into play. It’s a movie that, had I seen as an adult, I don’t think would of influenced me as much, but because I was the right age and right time, it ultimately is one of my favorite horror movies and I am glad that I had the chance to see it then, because it really is a great and fun movie, despite all its flaws.

3.5 out of 5.

Fashionably Late Movie Reviews: Friday The 13th Part 7

Introduction
Another installation of fashionably late movie reviews. This time we’re reviewing Friday the 13th part 7:The New Blood. This is another of my favorites in this series. If you never seen this one, it’s the one were someone had a pair of balls in some shitty production meeting in 1987 and said “What if Jason fought Carrie White?” and in typical Hollywood fashion some rich asshole with more money than brains said “fucking brilliant, here is 20 million bucks, go make it!” That is pretty much how these things are app to go. So without further ado, I call this review, Friday the 13th part 7: The Search for More Money!

Synopsis
A plethora of cliché and shallow “teen” characters played by early 30 something actors are stranded in the woods of Crystal Lake for the billionth time, when PLOT TWIST, a psycho named Jason Vorhees shows up to kill them!

Characters
All the bullshit tropes are accounted for, nothing new here and all shallow as fuck!

Acting
Holy shit is it bad! I mean, the porn your parents made on their honeymoon was probably better acted then this shit. One of the worse acted of them all.

Dialogue
Fine, nothing that really stands out as absolute garbage.

Kills
Nothing over the top or interesting. This is one that could hold up well on TV, with minimum edits.

Conclusion
This is easily one of the more interesting entries in the series, if only for the psychic aspect. Had the characters been given more depth so we could care about them getting axed, along with developing the story a tad bit more, even with terrible acting, the seeds were there for a even better version of this flick. What we ultimately got was a mess of a movie that seemed to want to wade into unfamiliar territory but too scared to make those choices because it didn’t want to drop it’s successful formula in favor of originality. Had the film makers been less reticent, this might have spawned a whole slew of slashers straying from their A-B, horror by numbers. It is an ashame too, given Part 6 did just that and gave room with excellent box office numbers to get them to give different another go. Clearly, it wasn’t meant to be and it still turned out to be OK entry into the series and still one of my favorites, regardless.

3 out of 5

Halloween: A movie review of Blumhouse’s H40

Introduction

I don’t want to start off with the typical cliché of the fact that the Halloween movies are 40 years old at this point and go through all the old bullshit about how so many movies have been made, including the remake and all that other fun stuff. I’m going straight to the point and talk about the fact that this is the movie people have a wanting for a long time.

Synopsis / Plot

Michael Myers breaks out of sanitarium, terrorizing Haddonfield, 40 years to the day of the original babysitter murders.

Characters

The characters are only kind developed but once we get into the bottom below where I praise the acting you can find yourself being like well, the acting makes up for only so-so character development.

Acting

I think it’s spot-on even from the most bit characters, which is a new trend in Hollywood that has been happening the last couple years, which I find to be an extremely interesting and very much a pleasurable thing. Backround characters are treated as something of note. The annoying aspect of background characters being bad actors always make for a weak movie and this is definitely moving in the right direction from all those old sequels.

Kills

I highly enjoyed all of the kills. Now, none of them are particularly interesting, you’ve seen things like this before but I enjoyed that because lately, especially with the Saw movies, Hollywood has been getting very over-the-top with their kills in horror movies and it’s ultimately destroying the entire horror industry. None of it is scary, and it’s absurd as I pointed out. This movie got it right! it had some up front and personal kills mixed with the Quentin Tarantino aspect of shying away from showing everything but letting you build it up in your mind. This is the right way to do a movie! Afterthought on this: a lot of people complained about the infant crying after his mom was killed was a missed opportunity. I disagree, it was more brutal than a kill would of been. A newborn left to fend for itself is 10x more evil than stabbing it.

Subtext

None of note but we don’t need that in this movie.

Conclusion

Most of her critics were completely wrong about this movie. I find the gripes to be unfounded. A lot of people came away from this with a version of the Mandela effect because they aren’t remembering it correctly. They still entitled to their opinion but they really should have bothered to have paid more attention in my mind. The acting was superb, the Kills were nothing new but still decent, the characters were okay but the acting more than made up for it, the tension was there, which lately is a new trend, is actually great. My only real gripe is super nitpicky, with one exception, most of the actors in this movie are hot but just kind of mediocre looking. Not a single one is overly photogenic, which is weird for Hollywood, but I don’t see anything wrong with hiring Hot or ugly people, even in horror movies, provided they can act. it works because all these people can act even if they’re not all Brad Pitt and I’m okay with this trend overall. Ultimately Halloween hits on all the right notes and is really done a great fan service 40 years later. In my mind Laurie Strode was done well, so much better than H2O or Halloween resurrection. This is the movie that I’ve been waiting to see since I was a kid.

Over all this movie gets 4 out of 5 stars and I hope it gets a sequel ASAP.

Kagemas: A review of the IT remake

Introduction

I was given this for Christmas, so I’m going to give it a review for Kagemas. If you don’t know by now, I really despise the Stephen King novel IT. That said, I don’t necessarily hate the miniseries, it was imperfect, but it still had some charm since Tim Curry gave an otherwise banal character, a personality. I’m reviewing the remake of IT. Is this a good remake or is it a bad remake?

Plot

You don’t know by now this book is about a group of children, who are haunted by an evil clown. The clown claims to be Bob Gray, but also uses the name Pennywise. One by one the children are tormented until the clown decides to come and eat them. What sounds like a promising premise, is ultimately destroyed by piss-poor writing, and this movie is no exception, because it’s ultimately two hours of the novel’s greatest hits mixed with a little bit of “fresh” material.

Characters

The characters are the whole group of kids, a Motley Crew, if you will, of strange bullied kids. All boys and one chick, but it’s hard to tell each one of them apart, as in the novel, since each one is basically the same character with just a slight flaw and or slight idiosyncrasy that sits there and makes them “different.”Ultimately none of these kids are relatable to you. They are nothing like when I was a kid, this was true of the miniseries as well, but the kids are acting the made up for the lack of relatability and it was believable that the kids in the miniseries were friends. Here it just seems like actors. By the end of this movie, you will hope Pennywise wins,that’s not what happens, as if you didn’t already know and that is a very big let down.

Style/ effects

Nothing really new that set it apart, typical Maine from all the Stephen King movies with the brick architecture, the Mills buildings and everything like that.

FX are dated as all hell, from the headless kid on the stairwell, that look and moved like terrible stop motion. The leper from the book, he looked creepy as hell, but also moved like a shity skeleton from Jason and the Argonauts. I get it, new IT is based in the 80s, but do we really need a stop motion reference to Nightmare on Elm Street part 3? Although I do like the poster that was in the background. The biggest question is how are these kids supposed to be scared of these no-name things including the very horribly produced female like ghost Creature From The Conjuring movie like that? All of them were banal no name ghost, shit ghost. You could have included David S Pumpkins to round off the whole non branded, lame “scary” characters thing. Warner Bros owns the rights to Nightmare on Elm Street and Jason from Friday the 13th? So the fact they didn’t treat this like the novel and updated with the new monsters that would hunt children’s youth back then, is a missed opportunity.

The ballons were CGI, except in close ups. The FX were dated as hell. It seems like WB didn’t care, they just wanted to the cash in on this and hopefully make some money and they ultimately did. There’s nothing wrong with making money, but you know what, if you’re going to sit there and take a franchise like this that for most people, is beloved even if I hated it, you could at least put some fucking care into the goddamn fucking creation of this. Warner Bros could not even make the DVD well. The DVD has two of them, one just for bonus disc the other for the movie. I don’t know if they are trying to be retro or they’re just lazy and incompetent but the case is flimsy as hell. I can push on it and nearly destroy the DVD. Even though FBI warnings are retro as fuck, and Sound quality sucks. There’s just so much wrong with the presentation and production.

Acting
Acting is mostly decent, there’s nothing overly bad here whatsoever. I would like to add in the fact that, regardless of people’s reviews or fandom, Pennywise is not as good as they like to claim. It is not a horrible interpretation, but it is far from Tim Curry, and this is not the Heath Ledger version of Pennywise, there’s definitely room for improvement in the better actor could bring more to this role.

Subtext
Read my book review on this and then you realize at the end, I had nothing more to say on this, other than the fact that it would seem to me, that the subtext is this group of kids are really a bunch of murderers, that invented Pennywise, in order to deal and cope with what they did when they were kids. That subtext, is slightly more visible in this movie that I think they meant to.

Conclusion
I really hope WB learns from the mistakes of this DVD as well as the mistakes of this movie because there’s a second part coming out in 2019 and I am so not looking forward to it. I may not be the biggest fan of this franchise, but I did grow up reading Stephen King and enjoying his books. At the end of the day this was a blatant cash grab, updated to the late 80s and what it gave us was bad effects, all right acting, no real connection to the characters, poor writing and nothing really new to write home about. It is an abysmal failure of a movie, but it made money, so in Hollywood that means it was a stellar success and you are going to sit there capitalize by pumping out Stephen King movies. In 2019 besides IT part 2, we’re getting a remake of Pet Sematary, another mediocre movie based on a Stephen King novel. I personally would avoid this and any of the remakes of his flicks, as none of the originals were even that good. The books are better. If you’re going to sit there and waste time just go read the book. I give this movie

2 out of 5 stars.

Postscript:
For a company that said it wasn’t going to do the child gang fuck because it was “going to far.” They sure had no problem putting a teen in her skives and letting boys gawk at her, which seems just as bad. Not to mention, Hollywood is ass kissing the me too movement but there was two non consensual kisses in this. I guess that is why I review them and they make them, because they are clearly people who have their shit together./sarcasm

Star Wars: The Last Jedi Movie Review

Introduction

I probably should have done a year ago, but decided to wait until the hype died down. This is all about Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Regardless of what you may have heard about this picture, it really isn’t what you think and that’s not the quote Luke Skywalker or I should say paraphrase. So we’re going to go right into it and see whether or not the Last Jedi is really as bad as I and other people thought it was upon first viewing.

Plot
Why can’t quite remember when it was set, I do know this clearly takes place a few years after the events of The Force Awakens. Rebellion is being chased down by the new Empire and basically it’s kind of a greatest hits of The Empire Strikes Back.

Characters
All the same characters from The Force Awakens are back and they introduce a couple of new characters, none of which are overly interesting. There is Rose Tico, who is a minor character and doesn’t really offer much outside of being a potential love interest for Finn. There is also General Holdo, which is played by Laura Dern, not a overly interesting character. The code breaker, a uninspired name, but basically a new Lando like character, played by Benicio del Toro, who was a lot of fun and I enjoy that character, but sadly the whole side quest to find him what’s a complete waste of a B storyline.

Acting
It could have been so much worse in terms of the acting but really it was fine.

Dialogue
Dialogue has some quirks but we’re used to this by now, because we seen Star Wars so often and the language has always been one of the biggest jokes about Star Wars. With the exception of a “your mama” joke at the beginning of the movie, it is still a Star Wars film and it’s nothing to really complain about.

Subtext
Regardless of which side you’re on in this debate, if you think it’s Pro female or if you think it’s all anti-male, you are wrong, those interpretations of both bullshit. The film is really shallow of subtext and I don’t find any.

Conclusion
The Last Jedi is a flawed film, but still not the worst movie to have ever been put to celluloid. It has its moments of enjoyment and some weird things, none of which are really new to Star Wars Universe in my mind, they just seen fresh because of the way Rian Johnson did them. The hatred for this film is way too overblown and fanboys have become so nit-picky over the last 20 years, that ultimately they’ll hate everything put to the screen. While I’m not particularly a huge fan of this installment, I recognize that the film is not really as bad as I initially thought in apoun three different viewings, has it’s moments. Particularly, I really like seeing Yoda as a force ghost, it’s too bad they couldn’t bring back Ewan McGregor as well as Anakin Skywalker himself, who could have helped Luke in that particular scene. Still, I might go see episode 9, regardless of if I do or don’t, this film is not to blame, as it’s just another OK film in the franchise.

3 1/2 stars out of 5.

Kagemas: Christmas Presence Movie Review

INTRODUCTION

I’m reviewing another movie that is a Shudder exclusive, called Christmas Presence. Shudder has way better original content than Netflix does, but is this one of them? Short answer is no, it is not.

PLOT

An assortment of friends spend Christmas together at their well to do gay designer friend’s house. A spirit or ghost of some type inhabits the land. Bedlam ensues and people are killed leading to a dumb ending. Think Evil Dead with Hill House and you have this pile of dung.

CHARACTERS

Not well developed. 3 out of 5 characters are LGBT, we know this, cause they tell us and the characterized aspects are black and white, very unrealistic to those of us who have known LGBT people. Flamboyant gay man is flamboyant, the lesbian is a dude, the bi character is a straight male perpetrated fantasy, the black straight chick is angry and her beta cuckhold husband is in love with the bi white chick. Also, the gay man is in love with the bi white chick. The male lesbian is dating the bi white chick and the straight black chick is jealous of her. I’m not joking about any of this. The bi white chick also rants about the media and the treatment of LGBT as more of an alt-lite voice. This implies that leftists really have no clue on how to support diversity or show LGBT people as they truly are. Did I mention how they let us know how gay these characters are but the only kiss is between a gay man and the bi women?

ACTING

Alright, but it is not believable that any of these twats are friends for even a second.

STYLE

It looks cheap and indie, as opposed to Summer of 84, that feels big budget and could be released into theaters. The effects are decent, but nothing cutting edge or new.

CONCLUSION

This movie is not the worst movie ever, it is better than some of your old school, run of the mill, B flicks. You can watch it without cringing and maybe you might enjoy it, inspite of the flaws. That said, this movie is not for me.

3 out of 5