Category Archives: Reviews

Heffalumps and Woozles: Netflix’s Dracula (2020)

INTRODUCTION: I don’t think I need to remind my audience how much I love Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Here is the review on the novel for you. So naturally, I came across Netflix’s Dracula “series” and well, I’m perplexed as to who exactly greenlit this and why. It’s not really a series. 3 one hour and thirty minute episodes aren’t really a series. It could have been two six hour movies and it might have got somewhere. I do not like the liberties they took with the novel, but it isn’t all bad. So is it worth watching?

CHARACTERS: All of the original players are there with some new friends as well. Trigger warning for those who hate woke culture, one character from the book is gender swapped and the other is color swapped. The new characters are interesting, such as the Doctor from India. The other’s had some potential if given more screen time but ultimately, it doesn’t work. Harker is worse than in the novel, his fiancé Mina is all but forgotten about, the queer nun is very intriguing and Dracula is very fun mix of the old Hammer style with homages to other Dracula’s as well.

ACTING: Even the bit players are phenomenal. Dracula and Van Helsing are the only two really memorable performances, but the others are no slouches, you won’t come away from this like one would an 80’s slasher, with remembering how bad the bit actors are. All of them are excellent at what they do and deserve to be there with all the stars.

SFX: Pretty damn good! You can tell this was done on a very good budget, but slightly more money couldn’t have hurt.

TENSION: Virtually nonexistent. You get three jump scares and nothing more for “horror” in this, except for maybe some visuals, which isn’t enough to make you scared. It needed to be better.

DIALOGUE: Excellent! Nothing cringe worthy, unless you are a stickler for historical accuracy. Very excellent quotable in this as well, outside of the iconic lines from the novel.

CONCLUSION: So while I hate the fact they changed the source material to “freshen” this up and ultimately failed at that, they still kind of crafted a semi interesting “show”. It lacks suspense and intrigue, but makes up for some of it with homages to old shows and movies. Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets a reference in episode three with the way one vampire is dispensed. This is a movie that didn’t need to happen, but yet it did. It was as if the idea was born from a drunk watching of Dracula: dead and loving it and said “what if someone did that in a serious tone.” This is most noticeable when Renfeild, now Dracula’s lawyer, goes on about Vampire rights. The last part of season one takes place in the future, which sucks, because you’re introduced to all new characters whom are related to the old source characters and different from the first three hours of character development you got, so you don’t care for the resolution at all. It is as if they wrote themselves into a corner and didn’t know how to get out without such trite writing. Still, it has it has its moments and isn’t a complete let down. I don’t quite understand how they will take this to another season. Much like the Haunting of Hill House, it isn’t the worse thing, but it sure as hell is well below the mark.

3 out of 5 stars.

Woke Before it was Cool Movie Reviews: 007 GoldenEye

INTRODUCTION: It’s all the rage to bitch about Hollywood and its sudden “woke” culture that seems to be shoved down all the throats of the emasculated alt-lite. Annoying, efte men and the woman who love sleep with those guys male friends. So whenever I see a retro movie that was “woke” by today’s standards, I am going to do my best to make sure I review to see if it just these “men” or if there really is a problem. So here is our first flick, GoldenEye.

SYNOPSIS: A whole bunch of boomers wrote a movie, that is about the fear of the soviets intentionally beating us in the digital age. A movie that was dated in 1991, when the USSR fell. Oh and James Bond is back at it, beating villains like a mutha fucker!

CHARACTERS: All original characters are there but M is a woman now and Money Penny is younger. Clearly there was need for outrage, right? This is the only thing I found in a search and it’s written by, presumably, a woman named Janet.

DIALOGUE: Fantastic! But woke as fuck! I mean, M calling Bond a misogynistic dinosaur? How about Money Penny saying he was sexually harassing her,while enjoying it.

ACTION:Hokey as fuck! I mean, the cold opener doesn’t seem to understand the concept of 3 minutes. The whole thing clocks 10 minutes. It’s almost like a parody of the old Bond flicks, masquerading with the name. What was the point of Austin Powers then?

VISUALS: Dark, but very, very good looking. Some of the
best looking of he series.

SUBTEXT: OK BOOMER!

CONCLUSION: These woke movies are nothing new, but few complained back in the 1990’s, in fact, quite the opposite and while this movie isn’t nearly as good as it was in 1995, it is still a solid, albeit a slightly intelligence insulting flick. It has no good grasp on anything, from Tech to Russia. It’s only real finger on the pulse happens to be its awkward and woke moments. It is a very OkBoomer movie, but still enjoyable and it created an amazing game.

4 out of 5.

Fashionably Late Movie Reviews: Solo-A Star Wars Story

INTRODUCTION: This is it! The movie that killed all future Star Wars stories. What was wrong with it exactly? Depends on the side of the fence you’re on. Some thing it was too soon past The Last Jedi and other blame the forced politics of this one. Regardless, we’re going to look at this objectively.

SYNOPSIS: Han Solo’s origin story.

CHARACTERS: All the new characters are 100% rememorable. Not a single one is worthless. All are distinctive and add a different dimension to this film.

ACTING: Not a single worthless actor. Everyone was excellent in this. Playing Han was a big challenge and boy did Alden Ehrenreich live up to it.

FX:On point and amazing!

SUBTEXT: None! Don’t listen to the idiots who hate this, it isn’t pro feminishm. This idiots, who bullshit ramblings have higher diminishing returns than this movie need to shut up and go away. All the same things that have always been Star Wars are in this movie and a droid leading a rebellion to free other droids is not subtext, it’s old hat in this series.

CONCLUSION:
This movie doesn’t break from convention, but it doesn’t need too. While the story has a few inconsistencies with continuity, like Han being part of the empire for a while, which he fails to mention in any of the “Holy” trilogy, it is still fun and very much a Star Wars movie. I don’t care if any of these scenes are considered “iconic” as it was fun and given the firing of Lord and Miller during the zero hour and being able to still complete a fun film, that says a lot about the ability of these actors, filmmakers, writers and all the rest. I for one wouldn’t mind a sequel!


4 out of 5 stars

Kagemas:Jack Frost Movie Review

INTRODUCTION: Jack Frost, a movie I saw years too late and watched again recently. Not to be confused with that heart felt movie that with Michael Keaton, where the father comes back as a snowman, after he dies, produced around the same time. This one is a horror comedy with a young Shannon Elizabeth. It is quite interesting and very 90s.

SYNOPSIS: A killer, being transported to his execution, ends up in an accident. Unbeknownst to anyone, it is also transporting a top secret government science project that turns the killer into a snowman.

CHARACTERS: Well, it seems like a tight nit community and the characters are developed ok. I wouldn’t say you care about them, but it is done well enough to make you think this is real.

ACTING: Better than a Hallmark movie, worse than a good movie, but very passable.

MUSIC: Works, but nothing to write home about.

FX: Dated, but they would have been decent in their time. It works, I mean, it’s about a killer snowman, don’t overthink this.

SUBTEXT: Honestly, I think this has some, but it is weak. It’s about community, family and coming together in a way a lot of cheesy, hallmark rom-coms cannot even pull off.

CONCLUSION: This is a fun movie, but doesn’t really go far enough. It lacks the old school suspense of things like Halloween or Friday the 13, but is still enjoyable to watch. It has all the makings of a cult classic and is an excellent change of pace compared to other horror in its time. It wasn’t ever going to be an amazing flick, but for fucks sakes, it has a Snowman rape scene that is pretty brutal and hilarious at the same time and if that isn’t enough to sell you on at least seeing this one time, I don’t know what will, because it rarely gets more fucked up than that. Watch it for Christmas, because it is a lot less corny in comparison to everything else on television.

2 ½ out of 5

Kagemas: All the Creatures Were Stirring

INTRODUCTION: This was one for 1st Kagemas, but I guess I couldn’t have been bothered to write a review for it. Why? Well, read on.

SYNOPSIS: Couple go to movies where the play resembles stories about to be told.

ACTING: It’s acting, which is something that it indeed is.

VISUALS: Not bad. Shit movies have better budgets now a days.

TENSION: Only in the struggle to watch it.

MUSIC: it’s there. So that has to account for something, right?

FX: Better than 80’s movies, not that I hate old school FX.

DIALOGUE: People speak, so.

SUBTEXT: LOL

CONCLUSION: The very first story is the best, reminiscent of the 60’s Batman style. One would think the Joker was behind everything. This should have been turned into its own independent flick. After that, much like A Christmas Horror Story, they didn’t even try to make the stories interesting. If you’re looking for a good movie, this isn’t it. To be fair, I hate Anthologies even more than I hate Found footage flicks. Anthologies are usually lower brow than episodic TV and only just above Youtube videos. Dramas are slightly better, because they’re closer to movies in length and build. Movies are the height form of visual medium. I don’t watch many anthologies, but this isn’t a good one. Don’t waste your time.

1 ½ out of 5.

Kagemas: A Christmas Horror Story

INTRODUCTION: a Christmas horror story is a weird, kind of anthology series that is all interlinked, but not very well. It seems like it wants to be one whole story, but breaks it up into pieces that connect, as if the writer wasn’t sure how to do it. Well, it is different, that is for damn sure.

SYNOPSIS: WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?

CHARACTERS: BANAL AS FUCK!

ACTING: It has Bill Shatner and everything is ok, nothing too horrible.

DIALOGUE: Not bad.

TENSION/PACING: NOT A TAD FUCKING BIT

FX: OBVIOUS CGI IS OBVIOUS. Krampus is on point, though.

MUSIC: MEH

SUBTEXT: FUCK YOU!

CONCLUSION: I know this is different from my normal reviews in that it seems like I am not even trying and to be fair, you’re right and that is how you should feel, because that is how this film seemed. Oh it isn’t that bad, sure and you could possibly enjoy it, but it isn’t re-watchable and it isn’t overly enjoyable. It has it’s moments, but you’ll sympathize with Shatners character of wanting to get it over with as soon as possible or being drunk to get through it.

2 out 5