Category Archives: Reviews

Kageoween: The Haunting of Bly Manor

INTRODUCTION: So, I’ve just finished The Haunting of Bly Manor, a sequel season, to an anthology series of haunted houses, all of which, are apparently mansions. Presumably because the ghost of the mansions are subtext for white guilt because Ole Mike here is more successful than you and feels bad about it. I digress though. This is an adaptation of an old gothic horror novella from 1898, one of which I will now make sure to read. Is this “show” worth it though?

STORY/PLOT: An au pair takes a job at a haunted mansion, how original of Netflix, uh? They really pushed the boundaries of a narrative here.

CHARACTERS: Not bad for horror, but could of been better overall. I know he gets praised for developing characters in horror better than horror normally does, but I feel like his development is equal to that of a prepubescent child with hard nipples from the winter chill as opposed to a fully developed adult woman, but for horror, I’ll take whatever I can get. It isn’t always easy to develop characters well anyways.

Once again I find myself dismayed at the LGBTQ representation being the equal to that of a fratboy having fantasies. I mean, I haven’t hand a chance to know every lesbian in my lifetime, but I do know drunken benders that lead to lesbianism, do not seem to be the major narrative in a lot of gay love stories. It’s more dishearten, given he has his wife play another Lesbian character, whom identifies as Bi, so Mike should know better, but atlas, I will have to put up with shitty characters that don’t even have build to them being lesbians, it’s just trust onto us. I mean, he is only 8 years old than I, but is lesbianism really a shock and awe moment? Kind of behind the 8 ball on this one.

ACTING: Mostly shit, except for two actors. The cook and the guy who played the farther in the The Haunting of Hill House.

STYLE/VISUALS: Kind of reminiscent of early 2000’s dramas for me, like The Practice or Boston Legal. Since this story is based in the 1980’s, it works, but still nothing exciting.

WRITING: Very good.

DIALOUGE: I get it’s England, but a lot of it is fuckin’ cringe.

TENSION: Quite splendid for this show. Sadly it was a big let down to nothing of worth at the end. Once again he added in a scare that I didn’t expect and I’m not afraid to admit it. I lothe the heavy reliance on jump scares though.

MUSIC: Forgettable at best. This show’s tension at it’s highest when there isn’t a score anyways, so.

SUBTEXT: Not a lot, but for me it seems to be about legacies and the impression one makes on others, family and friends being the most important, so that one isn’t forgotten about.

CONCLUSION: While the mid-season twist were perfectly predictable, I like the first 5 episodes even better than I the original. Sadly it wears out its welcome by episode 8 and 9 seems like a tedious epilogue that wasn’t needed. My thoughts are the complete opposite with The Haunting of Hill House, which was boring up until the end. I was afraid this was going to go Deus Ex Machina, but that would of been welcome to the let down of an ending we did get. Episode 8 was so out of place, it really seemed tacked on, when it could of been at the beginning of the season and while a diversion from the narrative, it was somewhat integral to see where the story was heading. It’s just one more let down though, but I’ve wasted my time on worse.

3 out of 5 stars.

EDIT: ADDED WRITING AND DIALOUGE BLOCKS. 18 OCT 2020 AT 2:15 PM

Kageoween: Hubbie Halloween

INTRODUCTION: Adam Sandler and Happy Madison did it again and I do not mean making a great movie. Props to the most meta movie comment ever when a teacher Cleopatra, when prompted to help Sandler’s Character, says “No, he overstayed his welcome!”.

PLOT: A stupid but “lovable” shlub, is hated by his hometown and ends up in the midst of a murder mystery.

CHARACTERS: It’s a Sandler movie, it’s shallow as fuck stock characters. Fuck him and fuck Netflix too!

STYLE: This shit would of been straight to DVD when I was a child, so it looks good from that Standpoint but not really something that would be visually stunning in a theater.

WRITING: Typical Sandler movie with the same bullshit juvenilia that plagues all his movies now a days.

MUSIC: *Shrug*

SUBTEXT: Presumably it’s more schadenfreude from Sandler, the textbook simpleton, who was most likely disliked as a child due to being a moron and who “grew up” to “make something” of himself, so he likes to constantly write the same story and shove it in people’s face.

CONCLUSION: This is all the same beats as Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison. It’s a guy, who would be living in a half way home if someone cared enough about them to get them some help, but as usual, the dumbass somehow saves the day or gets the girl. You know, shit that doesn’t actually happen in real life, given that Sandler and his characters are possibly legally retarded, so the hot girl boning him is the adult equivalent of pedophilia. These movies where cute when you were a child, but they’re sad and pathetic now. If wanted to see middle aged losers who couldn’t cut it in the real world and couldn’t grow up because adulting is “too hard”, I could look on YouTube and find half a dozen Millennial Neckbeards that fit the profile. Adam is the young boomer, proto-millennial who couldn’t grow up back in the 90’s and still cannot. When you factor in his core audience is the same, you get a movie that is not needed. In an alternative world, where Adam Sandler’s audience grew up and he didn’t, those intellectually obtuse neckbeards would be watching these dated, but new “classic” Sandler flix with kids of their own. So while they would still be trite, at least they would serve a function. If Adam really wanted to impress me with a new movie, he would take his formula and combine it with Uwe Boll’s Rampage, it would be more in line with the majority of his former audience and he could call it InCel. It would make a fortune.

EDIT: If anyone would actually like to see a movie that is Billy Madison+Rampage, let me know in the comments and I’ll launch a kickstarter to direct it.

Ramen Noodles and Me

I’ve loved Ramen Noodles since I was teenager. They’re quick to make, cheap and readily available. Too bad the sodium packet they came with caused me issues. Too much of one of my favorite things would spike my blood pressure. So Ramen was something I had to give up for a while. Now I’m back in the swing of things and experimenting with all different types. My prestation sucks and needs vast improvement.

I have made multiple different styles, but here is two. Both were good, but need improvements, like cutting my egg better. Still, I got the yoke right. Also, my home made Chinese chilli needs to not be over cooked and more vibrant colors added to the bowl with veggies.

Below is bowl one followed by the current bowl.

The Wrong Missy, David Spade Revival Theater

INTRODUCTION

Well, it seems Netflix decided what the world needed after nearly two decades of absence was another David Spade flick. Oh joy!

CHARACTERS:
Shit! All the same BS these movies are known for, simple archetypes, if you can call them that.

ACTING:
None have ever been horrible actors, so, unlike this flick, its tolerable.

VISUALS:
Fantastic, which is more than I can say for the rest of the movie.

WRITING:
Shit! Fuckin’ stupid premise, horrible jokes, terrible story overall.

DIALOGUE:
Same as above

MUSIC:
None that I noticed.

SUBTEXT:
Devoid of it

CONCLUSION:
They couldn’t be bothered to make a movie, I can’t be bothered to do much of a review as I have said before. This piece of shit is unfunny. Happy Gilmore is nothing but a group of aging boomers that never grew up and the subject matter shows in this movie. I would say they are attempt to recapture their “glory years” but you would have to have had glory years for that to be true. It’s sad and pathetic group of people that are now stealing money from companies like Netflix, whom will see no fucking return, just to keep their dipshit friends employed within Hollywood. They’re not actors, they’re over glorified welfare recipients. David Spade sent his career to finally visit Chris Farley and after this outing, maybe he should consider doing the same.

0 out of 5 stars.

Fashionably Late Movie Reviews: Friday The 13th 2009

INTRODUCTION: I saw this movie in 2009 when it came out. I wasn’t hugely keen on remakes and especially not Platinum Dunes taking the lead and even though I tend to like Michael Bay flicks, which I know it isn’t hip, cool, edgy or intellectual of me, but you know what? Fuck the pretentious cucks that hate him. He has made some fun movies and Friday the 13th remake seemed like one for the ages. So how good is it after ten years?

PLOT: This makes retro Jason movies seem like they took good care to create plot.

CHARACTERS: Cliché Jason fodder, but that is pretty much the point. It takes a whole group of WB tv show rejects and gives them a movie. Personally, the douche leader is the most interesting, followed by the Stoners. Oh and the blonde girl the douche bangs, she really was stupendous, who was acting in that scene? No one!

ACTING: Surprisingly good from everyone but that one dude from Supernatural, who normally is a better actor, albeit, dry. Must not have been feeling it in 2009.

FX: It is Friday the 13th. Everything is practical and looks good.

LIGHTING: Retro, but works.

STYLE: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003. It works here, but the faux dated shit is old.

KILLS: Not the most over the top, but solid and cool.

TITS: Only that one blonde. The other woman need to sue their plastic surgeon for malpractice. I’d rather see real A cups than fake DD’s any day.

MUSIC: You couldn’t tell there was any, but Sister Christian, am I right?

SUBTEXT: STUPENDOUS!

CONCLUSION: I’m not really sure why this movie was made. I mean, it doesn’t even know what decade it is in. Retro Budwiser cans that are dated between 1970-2000 ish and retro 70s/80s clothing mashup. It looks like the 03 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, which sucked balls and this wasn’t much better. Even the lighting was very 70s in some scenes. How the fuck could you do a movie when you can’t even figure out what decade the original series is from? Still Jason runs and is super aggressive again, which was much needed and different from Kane Hodder’s and Friday the 13th needed that, very much. Derek Myers very much deserves one more flick, he was a fun Jason. The ending was a major let down, but it had some cool jump scares, but nothing new or original. If you just want something that is retro cool to drink and chill with, this is your flick and in that case, it is very good, but if you were expecting a really good movie, then find something else. This serves as nothing more than a kill count movie and sometimes, that is all it needs to be.

3 out of 5.

Heffalumps and Woozles: Netflix’s Dracula (2020)

INTRODUCTION: I don’t think I need to remind my audience how much I love Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Here is the review on the novel for you. So naturally, I came across Netflix’s Dracula “series” and well, I’m perplexed as to who exactly greenlit this and why. It’s not really a series. 3 one hour and thirty minute episodes aren’t really a series. It could have been two six hour movies and it might have got somewhere. I do not like the liberties they took with the novel, but it isn’t all bad. So is it worth watching?

CHARACTERS: All of the original players are there with some new friends as well. Trigger warning for those who hate woke culture, one character from the book is gender swapped and the other is color swapped. The new characters are interesting, such as the Doctor from India. The other’s had some potential if given more screen time but ultimately, it doesn’t work. Harker is worse than in the novel, his fiancé Mina is all but forgotten about, the queer nun is very intriguing and Dracula is very fun mix of the old Hammer style with homages to other Dracula’s as well.

ACTING: Even the bit players are phenomenal. Dracula and Van Helsing are the only two really memorable performances, but the others are no slouches, you won’t come away from this like one would an 80’s slasher, with remembering how bad the bit actors are. All of them are excellent at what they do and deserve to be there with all the stars.

SFX: Pretty damn good! You can tell this was done on a very good budget, but slightly more money couldn’t have hurt.

TENSION: Virtually nonexistent. You get three jump scares and nothing more for “horror” in this, except for maybe some visuals, which isn’t enough to make you scared. It needed to be better.

DIALOGUE: Excellent! Nothing cringe worthy, unless you are a stickler for historical accuracy. Very excellent quotable in this as well, outside of the iconic lines from the novel.

CONCLUSION: So while I hate the fact they changed the source material to “freshen” this up and ultimately failed at that, they still kind of crafted a semi interesting “show”. It lacks suspense and intrigue, but makes up for some of it with homages to old shows and movies. Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets a reference in episode three with the way one vampire is dispensed. This is a movie that didn’t need to happen, but yet it did. It was as if the idea was born from a drunk watching of Dracula: dead and loving it and said “what if someone did that in a serious tone.” This is most noticeable when Renfeild, now Dracula’s lawyer, goes on about Vampire rights. The last part of season one takes place in the future, which sucks, because you’re introduced to all new characters whom are related to the old source characters and different from the first three hours of character development you got, so you don’t care for the resolution at all. It is as if they wrote themselves into a corner and didn’t know how to get out without such trite writing. Still, it has it has its moments and isn’t a complete let down. I don’t quite understand how they will take this to another season. Much like the Haunting of Hill House, it isn’t the worse thing, but it sure as hell is well below the mark.

3 out of 5 stars.