Here’s an idea that is sure to piss off the Republican Party;I am for mandatory welfare. It’s not for the liberal ideas that one would think. I simply want to keep certain people out of the general populace. Yes, keeping people away from others could be a huge benefit for society as a whole. I like to think of it as social segregation.

      I cannot be the only person to ever walk into a store and hear the clerk bemoan the fact they have to work. I’m sorry that your life is so bad,plus you have to work. My heart bleeds so much for you! I’m not understanding to this, seriously, pushing a button is easy as hell and making a burger is even easier, when all you have to do is put the frozen carcinogenic slathered piece of “meat” under a heat lamp, which sits there for hours on end, until the unsuspecting costumer comes in and desires sustenance so badly, they will eat the food equivalent of an STD.

      Besides the fact that work is super hard for them and life is clearly not worthwhile, there is also the fact that, well, they want 15 dollars an hour to do something much worse than I could do at home. I can burn my own overly antibiotic infused frozen “meat” patty myself and remember that I don’t want cheese on it. People make mistakes, it’s part of life, so I don’t let this part get to me too much, but damn if it doesn’t occur to me when listing off reasons for mandatory welfare.

      When you factor in the above, you start to get an idea for why I’m right about this. I don’t really need more reasons, but you’re going to get them anyways! Allow me to now extrapolate onto the idea that is mandatory welfare.

      Since work is so hard and you cannot be bothered to look at what you just wrote down on order pad or the screen, I am willing to work for you, just to keep you home, until either your disposition improves or you learn to shut up while working, whichever comes first.

      You will make whatever the minimum wage is per year and it will be inflated to adjust for the cost of living, just please stay away from me and others. One of the buyer beware scenarios, when you sign up, you will be given a long term contract, five to ten years, that states that you cannot leave your house. You will be sterilized, fully or temporarily, to prevent breeding and you must Netflix and chill for the duration of the contract. It’s really that simple of a system, basically what we already have going, but improved for the benefit of humans who don’t mind getting things done.

      Now, I can be understanding, since some costumers are pains in the ass, but the location is partially to blame for this. Starbucks for example has too many options. I’m sorry, I thought you wanted coffee, well coffee comes one of two ways, black and tanned. Want sugar, add it yourself. If you have to add twenty sugars to something to make it palpable to your taste, you don’t like the item you’re procuring, you like the sugar. Just eat sugar packets. Here’s an idea, caffeinated sugar. One packet has enough caffeine of an espresso. Snort it like cocaine for all I care, just make be honest that you secretly hate coffee, otherwise you would drink it as is. The second you add half a dozen toppings, it is no longer coffee, rather a desert as Bill Maher has pointed out many times in the past. 1,000 calories is not coffee! I’d rather down a six pack of beer for that many calories, at least it will give me enough of a buzz to make humans tolerable.

      Besides the annual salary, just to leave myself and others alone, you will also be given an allotment of your drug of choice. Yes, you can have it as a signing bonus, once a month, you will get either the biggest bottle of whiskey, beer, bag of weed, bag of cocaine, heroin, whatever you wish, just to make sure you stay tranquil and indoors. You can live with your lover and if you cannot find one, we will help you, since you won’t be breeding anyways.

      I am willing to work two 40 hour a week jobs, just to keep you away from myself and others who cannot stand listening to the rubbish that flies out of your claptrap on a daily basis. It would be a privilege and an honor to not have to be served by you.

      Anything and everything will be provided for you, just so my mental health is kept healthy and I don’t descend into insanity.

      You’re probably wondering how business’ will thrive without a lot of people shopping, well, there’s an app for everything now a days, so you can order food from most places, with your government provided iPhone.

      This is something that the U.S. government needs to consider, because too many people are just stupid, lazy, bitter, jaded and otherwise not worth dealing with. I think you’ll find that life will generally improve for all involved, and mass shootings will actually be reduced. Granted, serial killers and the like will still exist, you cannot help that, but the 1% of murders that happen, is just nature’s way of cleaning the gene pool. So it is a necessary evil, like Richard Dawkins twitter account, or Donald J. Trump being a racist. You just have to deal with it.

      Another name for this is trickle down happiness. Which you may have learned about watching a porn video. I promise you that this will make this planet a much safer, much saner and overall a much better place to live. In fact, I guarantee it! It’s the Oprah of systems, everybody gets something.

      Another benefit of mandatory welfare? Better politicians and choices for president. Now I won’t have to listen to the talking heads on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and half a dozen other “news” outlets opine about Emperor Palatine Vs Doc Brown being “saner” picks than Hilary Clinton vs Rand Paul. The only people saying this is unfair, are the idiots who would be locked up. The Paul Lepage, the John Boehner and Paul Ryans of the world.

     Heck, most of these jobs are practically welfare anyways. Why make the price of Big Mac go up, when we can just rid the world of the problem which is Bitter, overly entitled workers, who would rather not be there to begin with.

      Early adopters of the program will get healthcare paid for, as well, just to get you away from me faster! No need for a Bernie Sander’s presidency when we can fix the system.

      Mandatory welfare is going to be a thing and the best part, no more hipsters, working in Che Guevara hoodies. Is that not what life is truly about?

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Major Corrections to the text. ( 23 Nov. 2015)