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kageoween, Reviews, Writing

Kageoween: Hocus Pocus 2

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Introduction: I hated the first flick with a passion. I was born and grew up in Salem and remember when it was being made. I know and have seen all the local haunts in the flick. There was nothing more special about that flick than a million other movies before it. So was this worth a 29 year wait?

Synopsis: The witches are back. Thanks virgins!

Acting: very solid and on par with the first ones.

Dialogue: very good.

Characters: Slightly stock, albeit fun additions, be nice if they were better rounded.

Visuals: way better than the first, but the CGI sucked.

Subtext: None really, unless you want to get into some stuff about how these movies are very lesbian chic before it was cool.

Conclusion: This movie moves at a brisker pace than the original. It’s funnier than the original and in a lot of ways that actually improved things better the second time around. It’s darker in tone than the original, especially on one joke about eating a child’s face. Never mind the fact these versions don’t mess around. The worst part of this flick is how much of Sarah Jessica Parker’s legs seem to show in a kids movie. It’s nostalgic, while different. I actually enjoyed this one, unlike the original. Extra bonus points for the retro newspaper kiosk outside Walgreens.

3 out of 5 stars

Writing

Kageoween:Halloween Ends 2022

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INTRODUCTION: Finally, someone has the balls to stand up to Michael Myers in this unnessercery but still desirable sequel. So does it live up to the three act structure that I thought it was going last year? Let’s see.

STORY: it’s Halloween, again. But this time, Michael is done for. Wink, wink!

CHARACTERS: Typical of the last two of the modern era Halloween flicks.

VISUALS: Same as through the other two. At this point it isn’t interesting. Nice crane work and single tracking shots. Kills are no better than 2018.

ACTING: Best acting of ALL the Halloween movies, including the original.

CONCLUSION: This movie pretends to be something it isn’t, which is a Halloween sequel. It somehow combines literary tropes with genre and succeeds in droves. It’s a combination of classic horror, but takes a major deviation from the norm. It’s a slow burn that builds up characters, but when we get action it is great. Everything that the critics claimed about The Last Jedi taking chances with Star Wars, but wasn’t true, is true of this flick. A return to form, but new ground. It was so good, my three gripes are just nit picking. This movie’s biggest flaw is that it needs an extra hour to have made it even stronger than it was. Cannot say it will be everyone’s cup, but it is the most unique horror film in decades. This deserves an Oscar nomination for best picture. If it doesn’t win, that’s a crime in and of itself.

5 outta 5 Stars

Writing

Kageoween:Hellrasier 2022

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INTRO: Never been a fan of this series. I only ever liked the Pinheaded and the puzzle box. My favorite entry into this series was Hellrasier 3: Hell on Earth. So to say I had high hopes for this would be egregious overstatement. So how is it? Well I am reviewing it in the middle of watching it, for once.

SYNOPSIS: Uh, idiots find the rubric cube, we the lament configuration and hellarity ensues.

CHARACTERS: Shallow as fuck, stock idiot characters. All horrible characters, except for the gay brother, who cares for his junkie sister, but oh, fuck that character 20 mins in, says the director.

SFX/VISUAL: mediocre for Hollywood, good for HULU, but a YouTuber has probably done better.

SUBTEXT: None.

CONCLUSIONS: When compared to later iterations of the Hellrasier series, which became weird detective flicks, this movie seems like a step in the right direction. As a remake, it fails to live up to what made most people like the original, which was themes of BDSM, or some other bullshit. I honestly never noticed any of that, but people say they liked that, so if you’re one that liked that “subtext” then this isn’t for you. If you’re like me and only into this because Pinhead was awesome, this isn’t for you. If you want to see something that isn’t even unique like the 1987 movie, this movie isn’t for you. So who is this for? People that buy misfits shirts at Walmart and never even listened to the band. People who want to fit in and front about they saw a Hellrasier too. That’s who this is for.

1/5 stars

Writing

Back From The Dead, Halestorm Review.

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So I bought a new phone after years of saying no and dealing with either phones that came free with a switch deal or anything my sister or brother where getting rid of when they upgrade. Yes, I am that cheap. In fact, the last phone I got was a referb in 2018. It is now 2022, so let that sink in. Anyways, I have been listening to music more than I ever have in my life, given how amazing the audio is on this phone. Normally I don’t like to review music that is digital. I prefer records or cds if I am going to do this, but again, given the excellent audio, I will make an exception here.

So I was listening to this song and boy is it epic as fuck. Modern, yet old school. I then listened to the rest. All but one song does it for me, but this the best track.

Epic as fuck!

Now, apparently they’re currently on tour with Evanessence, some top notch shit. If you, like myself, have never heard of this band until a couple days ago, you owe it to yourself to check this album out. Now, 2022 has produced 6 months of some of the best music I have heard in years, but this album alone, might be record of the year in my mind. Nearly every song is, as the “kids” are saying now a days, a banger. If you’re a rock fan in anyway, shape and form, you also owe it to good taste to buy this album and blast it for the rest of the summer, and loud enough so your neighbors can know what a great album is is as well.

5 out of 5 stars.

EDIT: Only a day after posting this I went out and bought this album, in two different formats and a T~shirt.

Horror, Non-fiction, Reviews, Writing

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Netflix 2022, review. (Mostly Spoiler Free)

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INTRODUCTION: Ok, I make it not secret that I cannot stand the Texas Chainsaw Massacre film series. Yes, as a horror fan, I know this piece of shit is sacrosanct, but I could never find a way to like it. I went into this with lower than average expectations, even lower than I have with politicians, which is saying a lot, so was good?

STORY: Douche-bag Youtubers buy shit ghost town, accidentally kill leatherface’s mamma and how they’re fucked. Very Original/sarcasm

DIALOGUE: Mostly good, minus two cringe moment, one about death following one chick to this shitty town and the other about the wanna be Laurie Strode not being remembered by Micheal…er, leatherface.

SFX: Standard, but good.

VISUALS: Very good looking town, realistic for what is probably just stand ups as opposed to actual full sets. Sadly the shitting yellow lighting of a good portion of the movie to remind us the original was set in the 70s, was annoying.

KILLS: Decent, but not amazing. At one moment, what could of been a great massacre on par with Darth Vader in Rouge One, is plagued by “humor”.

SUBTEXT: Seriously? Consider the source material.

CONCLUSION: For a movie that is just a rip off of Halloween (2018), it is still the “best” this “series” has to offer and sadly way too late to be really worth your wild. When I say rip off, it is nearly point for point in the structure. Ignore all but the original movie? Check! Have actors that aren’t the most photogenic? Check! Have the original villain be smarter than he was in previous versions? Check! Original, albeit recast, character making a comeback for a show down? Check! Cliche ending? Check! This movie wins the 2018 horror movie bingo. Sadly, it is still just a mediocre horror movie at it’s core.

3 stars out of 5 for a normal horror movie.

4 out of 5 stars for a Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie.

Food, Kagemas, Review

Kagemas: Spicy fun

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Me trying a chocolate 7 pot. One of the hottest peppers in the world.
A gift given to me 12/24/21

So the above photos are to give some background to this short Kagemas review. I have been eating hot peppers heavily since I was about 17. This would be 2003. Although I did try some in the 1990’s, I wasn’t overly enchanted with a lot of spicy stuff. Anyways, the point is I have a pretty high fuckin’ tolerance after nearly 20 years of eating hot shit.

Let me start with Steve O’s hot sauce. I watched Jackass as a kid. It had it’s moments, but it isn’t high brow by any stretch of the imagination. Steve O is a fuckin’ idiot, so when I was given this hot sauce, I actually had high hopes that it would be stupid hot. That wasn’t to be. While it smells and taste great, it is, overall a mostly meh sauce. You can get one that smells like, but taste slightly different than this one, if you buy Badia’s Ghost Pepper sauce or Melinda’s Ghost pepper sauce. Both are far cheaper than this stuff is and probably comparably hot. Granted, it will probably be hotter if you’re not a “expert” like I am at peppers or eating hot sauce, so a rookie might think it is too hot. Overall though, it’s good and I could be inclined to keep a bottle around every once in a while.

3 1/2 stars out of 5.

The next product is not to be underestimated. It only has the scoville rating of a Jalapeno, which, for me, is like eating a bell pepper. So I had a bowl, sans the stir fry part and boy did this fucker kick. You would of thought I was a rookie at eating hot stuff, but nope, as I assured you above, I have been an hot sauce idiot aficionado, for quite some time. I can see why so many people didn’t make it through the Youtube challenges. It’s price is decent, but not the cheapest ramen. If you try it, make sure to have milk, because it doesn’t fuck around.

4 out of 5 stars.